Partner was sexually assaulted as a child

[Stanno]

I’ve recently found out that my fiancé was sexually assaulted when he was 16. He didn’t want to say anymore than that and I didn’t push him.

This and other demons from his past are having an effect on our future plans so he decided the time was right to deal with these and he asked me to have couples therapy with him so that I would know everything.

He was contacted by a clinic yesterday having been referred and one of the questions asked was whether either of us had been sexually assaulted in the past. He said yes and was told it changes everything and that he had to speak to a doctor straightaway.

He talked the doctor through everything and was asked if he knew his abuser. He said yes and was advised that the police and social services would be notified and that they would contact him this week.

He disclosed that the abuser was a sports coach, father of his friend and a police officer hence why he didn’t report it at the time. He said who believes a 16 year old over the word of a policeman.

He’s now freaking out about naming him to the police because he has been petrified of this man knowing where he is for the past 20 years hence cutting off all childhood friends and moving away from where he grew up.

I am struggling with knowing how best to support him. I am scared of saying the wrong thing, of asking questions and putting pressure on him to name the perpetrator.

Does anyone have any advice?

[Coyoacan]

I think he needs to change counsellors. My dd had something similar when she went for support as a victim of DV and they wanted to force her to report it to the police. (not in the UK)

[Fab973]

If he doesn’t say the man’s name they can’t arrest him. Once his name goes on the record they legally have to arrest him even if it
comes to nothing. This happened to me and I decided to let sleeping dogs lie and did not disclose the name. I went on record about WHAT happened but not who did it in case it ever did have to go to court and I changed my mind later

[Tg2023]

They can't make him name his abuser and nor should the try forcing his hand!
He needs to move and deal at his own pace; that's the only way you can support him.

[Autiebibliophile]

When I was a counsellor there was a duty of care to report if the person disclosing was still a minor or if the abuser currently worked in a position of power around children ie children. In the second case there would need to be significant details given But he doesn't have to disclose names/details and unless he does the counsellor doesn't really have anything to report. (Unlike with a minor where the child is still considered to be vulnerable)

[Neverseenthatmuchjunkinthetrunkbefore]

The talking about the issue may have made all of those feelings about being a defenceless child who just had to put up with it, come back again. However, this is now within his control, not his abusers. He isn’t a child any more and people do believe him. This man cannot do anything to him ever again, and because of his actions now, he will never be in the position to do it to anyone else again either.
Wishing you both strength in the time ahead.

[OrderOfTheKookaburra]

Whether he wishes to disclose the name or not is completely up to him. He doesn't have to. Not reporting abuse towards yourself is not a crime.

But the therapists etc are under an obligation to go through the reporting process.

[Stanno]

Thank you for your replies.

He has named the man and is now having therapy.

He also ended our relationship which has been very difficult.