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Victims of crime

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. For free advice contact Victim Support.https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/

Not a mum thing, Just want advice.

18 replies

ToastieCardiff · 15/07/2022 19:22

I'm studying in uni, i moved to cardiff with a friend as we both are on the same courses. We house share. Not really any issues. But i feel uncomfortable while her boyfriend visits. we are 19 he is 32. I had an uneasy feeling when i first met him, i dont know why. He just creeped me out. i couldn't put my finger on it. untill we went for drinks in town this week. i had noticed my friend drinking more since being with him. but he hardly drinks. So after having drinks, she got wasted. so he said he would take her home. i stayed in the club. and when i went to the bar the Girl who served me asked where my friend had gone. i said her boyfriend has taken her home. She then said the guys name and the company he works for and a hotel in cardiff he had worked for. i asked how she knew him and she explained. to make a long story short. she informed me that while he worked in the hotel. he attacked a female co-worker while she was drunk. and that he has a young daughter he doesnt or isnt allowed to see as the childs mother has also accused him. she then told me his last realtionship. his ex ended up in hospital due to him again being found out that he cheated (mental breakdown) but he had actually attacked another drunk girl last year, whos an alcoholic. she also made a comment about him and the ages of his partners and how they age out. i havent brought it up with my friend... but today he knocked the door (with three bottles of wine) and i just asked him if he ever worked at this hotel and if he knew the barmaid at the club. He went pale, then looked angry, my friend came to the door and he gave her the bottles and said he was going. i now feel bad like i've ruined my friends realtionship. but i cant find the words to explain to her. i feel its just sticking the knife in as shes upset that he isnt answering any messages. in hindsight i've also realised that when they first started seeing each other. his youngest childs mother also said over the phone that my friend overheard that she is taking him to court to stop him having his boy and called him an abuser, and recently he has had police speak to him about only having supervised visits with children. (asking a family member who is quite high up in social servicea, who said police dont usually inform people of this unless its court ordered as part of court proceedings) she also said something along the lined of you dont see your daughter because (named daughters mum) doesnt trust you with her and he needs to stop going after younger women/girls, who dont know better.

i really dont know how to approach this with my friend. Or what to do if he comes back, now he knows i know.

OP posts:
Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 15/07/2022 19:24

Op you could possibly have saved your friend's life. And I am sure i am not being dramatic when I say that.

Could you apply for a Claire's Law check?
Your friend is lucky to have you..

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 19:25

Id tell my friend I’m worried about her boyfriend as you’ve heard things about his history. That you don’t know if they are 100% true but you can’t keep what was said to you from her, it’s her right to know. And then just tell her. Ask her what she wants to do and that you’re always there for her and support her.

ToastieCardiff · 15/07/2022 19:29

i think it has to be her or a family member of hers. i have thought about it. but if hes not been charged or reported would it show up?

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 15/07/2022 20:49

But if you said you were in a relationship with him, how would they know any different?

ToastieCardiff · 15/07/2022 22:01

i dont know. good point. we just basically had it out, shes a bottle and a half drunk and hes messaged to see if i was there So he can come over, shes asked why he wants to know is it cause of the hotel thing and he's stopped replying. And i've basically messaged his Facebook and got blocked for just asking him to explain. and i've messaged his boys mum.

OP posts:
onlymyselftoanswerto1 · 15/07/2022 22:09

It doesn't have to be a family member, anyone who is concerned about her can do it as long as you have the information they need in the form. You won't hear anything back but if there is anything to disclose they will go directly to her with it. Please consider doing this for your friend. But also please stay safe, this is quite a dangerous time for you (both)

something2say · 15/07/2022 22:18

I'd be careful of him. For the next while, you need a lifeline to safety - your phone. If shes not inclined to let him in, all the better. Chain on door, dont let him in, be extra careful and ring 999 if scared or he kicks off or follows you. I'd caution against stirring by contacting people, dont anger him. This all hinges on your friend stopping seeing him.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 22:31

You sound really out of your depth here and I'm not suprised, this is heavy. It's really important that you both keep yourselves safe, do you have anywhere you can both go and stay for the weekend? I would sleep in her room, make sure she doesn't contact him, or answer the door. If he turns up at the house I would call the police immediately. Would your parents be supportive, or hers? If not is there any welfare officer at Uni you can get in touch with over the weekend? I'd be really tempted to let her sleep it off and suggest you both hop on a train in the morning and take a night or two and a bit of distance, to weigh up your options.

bluekostree · 15/07/2022 22:51

My first thought is you've possibly saved your friends life. You need to tell her what you know.

ToastieCardiff · 15/07/2022 23:17

So he has just gone silent, his boys mum replied and said its 4 girls/women all together and its why she has taken him to court. He has also been investigated in work for 1) innapropriate communication with a woman he works with and 2) another male worker has had words with him or caught him staring numerous times at young teen girls. His boys mum said dont expect to hear from him now. we cant really just get on a train as we both have uni work to finish. we have a ring doorbell so if he shows up we wont need to answer. I think i over reacted about telling my friend. she basically said all the times they have been intimate, shes been very drunk.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 23:26

I dont think you've overreacted at all. Not in the slightest. I'd talk to her again tomorrow when she's sober and tell her what you know, I'd also urge her pop to the police station and explain the situation so that if he does show up you can all them and they're aware of the situation. She needs to stay well from him, if she doesn't she is putting you both in danger. Don't contact him or his family.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 23:27

Women's Aid can offer you support, they have a chat service which is brilliant.

007DoubleOSeven · 15/07/2022 23:30

You did not overreact in telling your friend. It was absolutely the right thing to do. She can access Clares Law for info from the police too.

If he comes around, scares or unnerved you in ANY way, or if you're just not comfortable - call the police, 999. Honestly.

Your friend might be in denial about things when she sobers up, that's a fairly normal response when you've had news like this. If you want to keep posting, we'll talk you through.

Lots of us here have had experience with men like him, trust me: you've not overreacted. Flowers

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/07/2022 23:35

I'm sure you are frightened.

I hope your Friend accepts the information and isn't too far involved with him already.

Now you've told her it is up to her to dump him, if she doesn't move out pronto.

Let all her family know what has been said.

BerryTree1 · 15/07/2022 23:42

Well done OP. You've been a good friend.

I don't think OP meant she over reacted by telling her friend. I think OP means she over reacted thinking it would be a huge deal or drama telling her friend, but it seems her friend is actually ok hearing the information and has agreed that she has been very drunk when intimate with this guy.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/07/2022 23:44

Can you ring non urgent police line incase something happens later.

In the hope of a quicker response.

These types of people don't like to be confronted or caught out by their past.

Take your friend's phone if she's drunk, she could text him later.

ToastieCardiff · 16/07/2022 13:37

He has blocked her because his boys mum messaged him. he had messaged a few times last night with excuses. All the women are jealous etc. classic narcasist replies. when my friend said we messaged his kids mum and its four times, 4 different women, who dont know each other and four similar accusations. plus my mate saying he only bothers with her when alcohol is involved. and the complaints he is dealing with in work. He blocked her. have emailed Uni and asked that they contact his work, as thats how he met my friend and he has access to young women as he drives buses. Hopefully get him removed from our local routes.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 17/07/2022 13:36

I hope your friend stays strong and doesn't let him convince her that he is the nice guy.
It happens.
Any further updates, has he contacted you?

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