Sexual assault

[Elephant2501]

I really don’t know if this is the place for me to be or if writing this will help in at all but I feel so so lost.

I have 3 children, 2 from a previous relationship and a baby with my current partner of 5 years.

A month ago my partners dad sexually assaulted my 9 year old daughter in our home. He had been taking a keen interest in her doing gymnastics (unbeknown to me) and on this particular occasion he asked her to do a handstand against the wall and go into the splits, he then rubbed her on her vagina. My teenage son walked into the room, he didn’t see the assault but he told police he knew something was wrong because my daughters top had come up and that FIL was looking down her top like he was ‘eyeing her up’
Fortunately she told me the same day, it was the first time it had happened but she later told the police that he had made her feel uncomfortable in the past because he always asked her to do gymnastics and he had taken videos of her doing it. In his police interview he admitted to touching her but said that she had a crumb there and he was removing it- I 100% know this is a lie.

We’ve had SS involvement which has been devastating but they are due to close our case because I’ve assured them that there will never be any contact between him and the children again.

My daughter seems ok, a bit confused and emotional but she’s getting support for that and I’ve reassured her that she’s done the right thing and that it wasn’t her fault.

Police are waiting for his devices to be checked and a decision from cps- I’m not holding my breath though. The officer in charge initially told me that she thinks there is a strong possibility of it going to court but has since said that she really can’t be sure.

My boyf was so close to his dad, it feels like a bereavement. I was also close to him, I saw him as a father figure, I don’t have my own dad so it was so lovely to share his.

I don’t know that my relationship can survive this. Although my partner has ‘sided’ with us and hasn’t disbelieved my daughter at all he has recently made a few comments like ‘what if she is confused’ he has also not said a bad word about his dad, despite all the hurt his actions have caused our family. There is also a possibility that he will want to continue a relationship with his dad in the future and I don’t know how I will feel about that. I’ve said that our mutual child will not be allowed contact at all but in time my partner might push for that snd it worries me. I’m scared that if the cps don’t take it through that people might doubt my daughter. I’m scared of having another failed relationship.
I know this is hard on my partner but he’s so unsupportive at the best of times. I just don’t know what to do.

What an awful situation. You poor thing, I am so sorry. Have you spoken to your partner about all the things you’re scared about?

Hey 👋
I have tried to discuss it with him but he really can’t cope with it. I haven’t even been able to tell him updates on stuff with the police😣 it feels like he blames me somehow.
There are things he doesn’t know that I’ve had to deal with alone, like the image of my daughter showing me how he touched her, it wasn’t a brushing motion it was a clear back and forth rubbing, daughter telling the police that he rubbed the crease of her leg first and then moved to the middle 😥also that his dad went to the shop and bought her a present after he’d done it, the police questioning me about my baby daughter who FIL had unsupervised contact with- did she ever seem distressed afterwards, show any sign of infection.
It’s all stuff that I’m having to deal with alone while he grieves for his dad xx

I am so sorry. You sound like a great mum.
I was going to say you need to sit down with your partner and come done like a ton of bricks on ‘maybe she was confused’ as while his feeling for his Dad is understandable, there is quite enough evidence to show she isn’t.

But you last comment, that he is generally unsupportive is very concerning. How is he unsupportive?

I am so sorry OP. Your partners grief for his father is understandable, but his questioning of your daughter is not. I understand you are protecting her privacy , but can you say enough to make it absolutely clear no mistake is possible (although that is clear already honestly). If he he is going to deny relativity then that obviously does not bode well. Can you spell that out to him?

It seems like you’re coping really amazingly with probably the most nightmarish situation that most people can imagine. It must be absolutely awful what you’re going through. Did the police recommend any support services that you could access? That your partner could try? Though it doesn’t sound like he’ll be open to that yet. He might be in time.

I wonder if a good option might be to firmly but gently tell your partner (perhaps in a letter?) what you’re frightened of, so he has time to process it. You could say that you can’t ever allow your children to be near this man again and you never imagined a situation where you’d make your partner choose but that is what it’s come to. Say that you understand that it’s not your partners fault and he can take his time to decide etc. But that if you’re going to be a family together it has to be without his dad and without any doubt or suspicion towards your daughter. It might make sense to give him some of the detail you’ve previously withheld from him.

Show your partner this thread

Hope this all worked out well op. Your dd has a amazing mumma by the sounds of things

That is such a horrible situation. If you broke up with your partner, how would you know that he would keep children away from his father?

Oh dear, OP hasn't returned.

Like many others, my main worry is that you have a DP problem more than an abusive FIL problem. But I also worry that you don't get it [yet, I ever so dearly hope].