Sex abuse trial at court in a couple of weeks/not coping/anxious/ill/paranoid

[Peacefulnight]

Hi,
I am a newbie here, but I am really, really struggling with my mental health so I thought it was worth reaching out in the hope that I can get some advice and pull myself out of this deep, dark hole I am going deeper into.

I have rarely openly discussed what happened to me from 11 years old. I 'coped' with it by almost pretending it hadn't happened and trying my best to forget my abuser.
Unfortunately it never, ever leaves you. The fear, anxiety, deep, deep insecurities and fear are always there ruining your life.

Last year I finally made the decision to make a formal report to the police and although I don't regret it for a second, I am absolutely terrified.
My abuser has been charged with rape of a child (I don't know the exact charges) and my case is finally due at Crown Court next week.
To say I am terrified is an understatement.

My abuser is a relative and I have not seen him for approx 30 years. When I was old enough to realise that what he was doing was not right, I told him to keep away from me. I have not seen him since that day.

I have been offered 'special measures' but declined. I want him and the jury to see the pain in my eyes, to see the damage he's caused.

In terms of my MH. I am not coping well at all. I am paranoid all of the time. I am so focused on this trial that I worry that something will happen to stop it.
Will I be ill, will I be run over, will I get Covid and not be able to go to court, will it be postponed again?
All sorts of ridiculous scenarios run through my head daily, it's crippling and it is becoming too much.

My other stupid, irrational fears are that I won't be able to get my words out, I won't be able to answer the questions, I won't remember important dates or information..... My anxiety is horrendous and I don't know how to cope with it.

The Covid circumstances haven't helped and I feel selfish and ungrateful.. So many people have suffered and lost loved ones etc. However, I would have gone on a stress busting holiday or two to combat the anxiety, chill and relax before the trial, but I have not been able to do that this year.

I have booked a spa break, just one night which includes a massage to de-stress and a night out with friends to help me relax beforehand, but I really do think that I am losing my mind and I'll be dead or sectioned before next week.

I have also been suffering with absolutely dreadful IBS/colitis which is badly affected by stress. So that is playing on my mind too. I have abdominal pain, nausea and need to use the toilet with urgency. I am so concerned that will happen when I am giving evidence and I won't be able to use the toilet, focus or get away and I will be embarrassed.
I can't work out what is worse, the physical symptoms or the MH/anxiety.

In the aftermath if I ever get through It, I can't even begin to think about the verdict. What If he gets not guilty, I will be devastated, I really don't think I will cope.

So many worries, so many things to think about, I am a hell of a mess at the moment, deeply, deeply depressed and I don't know how to pick myself up.

Any help would be so appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Hey op sorry to hear you are going through a tough time.

I have a trial for something coming up too (date not set yet). Wont go into the deets date the whens and whats. But covid has caused so many delays. And every time theres a lead up to one of the dates I spend the fortnight before, sick with worry. Feck knows what I'll be like when the actual trial date comes. A jibbering wreck no doubt.

Is advise you to rethink facing him. To take the protective measures offered. I know you want the jury to 'get it' and maybe, want to face him but...your mental health is important. And I think it might just feel more like... punishing yourself. He wint give shit, won't feel remorse. And tbh, he is such as... small thing, he is nothing. And shouldnt be given any more power over you.

Be kind to yourself op. Otherwise he is still winning. Because you're stil playing his shitty control game. If he cant face you, he can't play it. He cant make you feel small.

That's my take anyway.

Ok, I want to acknowledge your post and current stressors. Understandably you’re stressed,anxious,and recalling trauma
You don’t have to sort yourself in one go,wee steps, little bit by bit

Both of you, take care @Peacefulnight @Bunnymumy

You're brave. It will be hard but you'll get through it.

I had a similar story but it didn't end up going to trial as he pleaded guilty at the last hurdle. Pleading guilty and being 'sorry' kept him out of jail too. I was devastated (he also lied in court during sentencing). Now, 3 years on, I am able to not think of it much. I am glad I went through it. I'm happy that all those close to him now know what he is. But I hadn't been prepared for him to do no time at all despite a guilty plea. So be prepared. And no matter what remember you were innocent. No 'result' will take the pain away so don't expect it to. And he has to live with himself and his guilt forever.

Wishing you strength

To Bunny
Thank you and others for your post, your support and help is so appreciated.
I am so sorry that you too are having to go through a court case or something like that.
My case was meant to be a few months back but was adjourned due to CV so hopefully this time....

The facing him and the jury in court is more about me than him tbh. My reasoning is that it'll allow me to take back control, he will be the one feeling helpless, ill be taking all the power away from him if that makes sense.
I want him to see that and more importantly the jury too. I want him to see the pain he's caused, but know that by being 'brave' and giving evidence, the result could be that he gets a custodial sentence. The power will come from me knowing that (I hope, first I have to overcome the anxiety and get through the trial)

It's not just the actual case that I am worrying about, the irrational fears are killing me, I feel like I am going out of my mind.

The best of luck with your case, I really hope it goes well and you get the result you hope for.
Thank you for your help. Take care.

Alma,
Ohhh my goodness, I am so sorry that you had to go through it too.
Well done for having the courage to take that step, that alone is a massive hurdle that you should acknowledge and reward yourself for.
Look at it this way, at least he sort of took some responsibility in pleading guilty. It WA trashy for him to lie, but they never tell the truth, they don't have any morals or integrity, but that's the best you could have hoped for.
I am so sorry that the justice system let you down, but at least he has to live with the shame. I can't imagine life is easy for him, he has to watch his back, be cautious about where he goes etc because anyone that knows who/what he is will want to hurt him or give him hassle.

Well done, you really should reward yourself for having got thorough it.
Thank you for your reply, help and encouragement.

Take care.

Do you have a liaison person you can talk to? Id contact them and tell them how you feel. I wish you well x.

Yes I have a Independent sexual abuse advocate or whatever they are called.. I've never met her, usually just ring or email, but she has been off work due to CV and sickness.
I've felt a bit like a burden tbh and been a bit afraid to contact anyone else.
It's only the last week or so things have gotten real bad.

How did it go OP? How are you?