Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Victims of crime

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. For free advice contact Victim Support.https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/

Flip

Original poster

Is it still rape if your husband has sex with you but you say no

24 replies

Jade90 · 25/02/2018 11:19

Hi just wanted some advice. I had an argument with my husband the other night and things got a bit heated, I asked him to leave but he refused, then he started to try and calm me down but I was so angry with him that I just wanted him to leave. He started to kiss me I kept pulling away from him I did say no but I think I only said it once, the next thing I knew we were on the kitchen floor which was really cold and uncomfortable and having sex. Did he rape me? Thank you for your time and advice in advance

OP posts:

UndomesticHousewife · 25/02/2018 11:33

If you didn’t want sex then it was rape. The fact that it’s your husband is irrelevant.

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 01/03/2018 01:26

My exdp raped me, I didn't say no but he knew I didn't want it. He got 8 months

ExcuseTheCheese · 01/03/2018 01:34

Is it still rape if your husband has sex with you but you say no

Yes. Unless in your chain of events you said yes at some point after, your body language changed and you showed you were consenting by reciprocating then the answer is still yes!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 01/03/2018 01:41

It’s rape. You need to call the police, report him and end the marriage. If you have kids you can’t raise them in a house with a rapist.

lottieandmia22 · 01/03/2018 02:18

This is awful and yes it absolutely was rape.

Thisimmortalcurl · 01/03/2018 02:20

Yes , if you said no at anytime then it is rape. Sounds awful, are you okay just now ?

Pfftkids · 31/03/2018 10:46

I think only you can decide if you were raped or not. It's not for others to tell you that you were when they weren't there and not knowing all the facts

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 31/03/2018 10:51

You said no.
It is rape.

Just because it's your husband doesn't change what it is.

If a stranger did this what would you think?

sheddooropen · 20/04/2018 17:58

Aww I’m so sorry OP that’s rape. You said no, you didn’t encourage and you resisted/try to push him off, that’s rape. You probably won't have much evidence to prove if it went to court sadly, not sure what you want to do next I couldn't stay with someone like that but you need to speak to a counsellor or something. Has he spoken about that night at all?

NT53NJT · 21/06/2018 23:10

If you clearly communicated "no" to him then it's rape.

Imchlibob · 21/06/2018 23:25

Yes it is rape.
It used to be that men owned their wives like property and could force sex whenever they wanted and that was no crime, just "claiming marital rights". Original legislation against rape viewed rape as essentially theft of property from either a woman's father (if unmarried) or husband (if married)

The idea of women as property was abandoned quite a while ago but the legal status of forced sex within marriage being actual rape was only established in law in the UK in 1991.

Yes you were raped. You have the right to bodily autonomy. Your husband does not own you. He did not force himself on you out of love but was using his penis as an instrument of subjugation and control. He is despicable.

MumUnderTheMoon · 03/09/2018 19:01

If you do not explicitly consent to sex by saying "yes" then it is rape. Even if you hadn't said no, even if you hadn't pulled away if you don't say yes it's rape

Luglio · 03/09/2018 19:04

I think only you can decide if you were raped or not.

Nope. Rape has a legal definition which is independent of what the victim thinks. Thankfully.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2018 19:05

If you do not explicitly consent to sex by saying "yes" then it is rape.

What happened to the OP is rape. Definitely.

But just because someone doesn't explicitly consent by saying yes, doesn't make it rape. You can enthusiastically consent in other ways. For clarity. The point is that consent is needed. Actual consent. Not just the absence of a no.

MongerTruffle · 03/09/2018 19:05

Yes (but surprisingly only since 1991).

Hassled · 03/09/2018 19:07

It was absolutely rape.

If you're in England or Wales, have a look at the Rape Crisis website. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

NynaeveSedai · 03/09/2018 19:08

It's not for others to tell you that you were when they weren't there and not knowing all the facts

The facts are that the OP said no and he forced her. That's rape. Are you suggesting he might have thought she consented? It's still his responsibility to ensure he has enthusiastic consent before proceeding. Believes consent is not a defence if there was no reason to believe so.

mummydolan · 01/10/2018 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JusticeSystem · 18/04/2022 13:27

@Notavictimbutasurvivor

My exdp raped me, I didn't say no but he knew I didn't want it. He got 8 months

How on the earth did that go through?

I’ve reported my ex for rape that he admits on a voice recording but they haven't even arrested him.

I can't see him going down for it.

JusticeSystem · 18/04/2022 13:34

@Notavictimbutasurvivor

I also want to say that I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm glad you got justice

Felix125 · 19/04/2022 09:23

@Iwasjustabouttosaythat

It’s rape. You need to call the police, report him and end the marriage. If you have kids you can’t raise them in a house with a rapist.

I agree with this

If there is no consent - its rape

You need to put yourself and your children first. Its a crime of extreme violence and he can not be around you or your family.

You need to report it so you can get access to the support services and look at non-molestation orders etc. to remove him from your home.

You don't need to pursue it all the way to court, but it needs reporting and you need support.

JusticeSystem · 19/04/2022 10:28

So sorry I just realised I resurrected an old post. I hope you had a good outcome @Jade90 and are okay now

GucciBear · 19/04/2022 10:46

I put up with this from my husband. Didn't know about "marital rape" until I read about it on Mumsnet.

JusticeSystem · 19/04/2022 11:23

Sorry to what that. Can I ask, did you do anything about it once you realised?

Flip