[Background: New couple are about to shag for first time...]
As the music fills the room, I place a furtive hand on Olly?s back, over the thick blue jumper, and run it up and down. I desperately try to remember some pressure points that lead directly to his penis that I can reach from here. Small of the back? Are there some nerves there? Something sensual? Or am I confusing it with the article I read yesterday on sciatica?
Olly raises his head and murmurs encouragingly. Ooh, here we go. I press harder, pushing my fingertips either side of the base of his spine. Now I look like a talented masseur, someone who knows his body better than he does himself. I dig in deeper, Olly hastily shifts position, turning round to face me. Shit. He obviously hated that and is moving away before I snap a vertebrae.
But there?s his face. That dear, familiar, beautiful face. The face I?ve longed to kiss for so long. That sexy aquiline nose. Those sleepy eyes. Those, hmm, those really, really sleepy eyes. I need some big move to wake this encounter up, something he?ll boast about tomorrow when he goes to work. Something that will make him limp around the office on crutches, wincing whenever someone offers him a chair. Or better, something so powerful that he?ll call in sick tomorrow. Perfect! They saw us leaving together; if he fails to show up the next day, my reputation as a sexpert will be sealed forever.
Men will be queuing up to shag me, I?ll be like a sexual Lourdes. Maybe they won?t even demand full sex ? ?Just let me feel your titties, darling,? they?ll say, hand extended like a beggar. ?My willy hasn?t worked for 10 years but one touch from you will cure it.? And I?ll bestow favours beatifically ? ?Here, you can have the left one. You over there, you get the right.? I?ll save the full sex for the really sick.