Please look at my poem!! I need some opinions please, its for my assignment that is due in on Monday Arghhhhhhh please help

[MegSophandEmma]

I have had to put an anthology of poems together. The poems have to be connected by a theme. I have had two of my poems ok'd by my tutor, but am having no joy with my tutors email. The anthology and commentary needs to be handed in on Monday. Please help TIA

Addicted

By

The light is here.
Blinking yellow eyes,
The glorious red,
Enters your mind.
You try to dismiss me,
And tell your head no,
But all you imagine,
Is me lining your throat.

Hands all a tremble,
Your face ashen,
Glaring at me,
I am your passion.
Your hands move closer,
Your eyes ablaze,
Your aim misses me,
You head is aflame.
Screaming inside,
Your thirst isn't fed,
You know the pain will go,
Once you are... Dead.

what sort of critique are you after?

When I usually present my poems to my tutor, the main thing she picks up on are the extra words I tend to use. They are often not needed and dilute the point I am making, but I can't usually see this until she points it out. The word I tend to use too much is "the" which I haven't had a problem with this time.

This is also the first poem I have written that rhymes. Usually a freeverse girl lol

I haven't gone with the pentameter thingy ma bob. the poem just started rhyming lol

Can you see anything to make it better or anything that appears basically poo?

well, the last line is complete cliche for a start - sorry but you did ask. Also you are mixing your metaphors - you don't 'feed' thirst, you 'quench' or 'slake' it.

Ahhh Pants. Rush jobby for you lol

I see what you mean I did think about the "fed" part but I chose that word to also describe the hunger of addiction. I also have a limited word count so had to end the story abrubtly, hence the dead bit. IYSWIM