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Would you read on?

18 replies

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 21:11

It looks like the end of the world out here, or the beginning. Mud, waters, and the tide stirring them - that's all. Air moving past your face in a desperate, soughing rush - salt, and brackish seaweed spat out by the sea, brown and bubbly, hooked round slimy rocks so you can hardly tell vegetable from mineral any more. Everything grey-bronze, slippery and shining wet.

That day, a row boat was drawn up at the edge of the water, you could only tell it was on water rather than land because it jerked restively against its rope, grey and oozing like the rest. Further up the mud two sail boats leant together for support. Nothing moves of its own volition, only swerves in the sea, flaps in the wind. The flapping, slapping noise intensifies as the wind heightens, and the masts across the river ring out like bells.

Over by the row boat something else flaps, something whiter than all the rest - not gleaming white, but discernibly pale. The movement catches his eye, the solitary dog walker. Sixty two, widowed last year, up early, trying to flee a hangover, blow it away in the salt air. He comes closer, curious, and his dog raises its head from the enticing smell of dead crab it was investigating, and bounds over, oddly skittish. He notices that, because his dog is old, and rarely excited now.

The man draws closer, close enough to see over the rim of the vessel, to see in. The white is her sleeve, her trailing lace sleeve. The rest of her lies there, held in the womb-like hug of the boat's wooden ribs, her long white dress bundled around her, her face radiant to the sky. Her eyes still open. Her left hand across her breast, with its useless armoury of rings. Do you take her, til death you do part?

The man goes down on his corduroy knees and it isn't in pure shock. He feels the cold mud kissing his knee caps as he stares at her. In his befuddled state - he shouldn't have finished the bottle, he knew that, it still sat on his bedside table reproachfully, the other table empty ten months now - he feels he wants to push her out to sea, alight perhaps, a Viking bride to Valhalla. She is very blonde. But of course he can't. He takes one last look at her beautiful, dead face, calls his old dog away from sniffing her hand, and retraces his steps to the phone box on the hard. He calls them in.

And then, then it all begins.

OP posts:
barbarianoftheuniverse · 27/03/2009 21:49

Yes I would read on. It is mesmerising.

Floatylight · 27/03/2009 22:05

Honestly? No.

Sounds like 1st year creative writing with a little too much emphasis on descriptive imagery.

However, hidden beneath the unnecessary frou-frou is a decent premise of a story.

I'm not keen on the real-time delivery either, the use of the present tense - it's a bit exhausting to read, somehow. It would be fine just for the introduction though.

All IMHO of course

suwoo · 27/03/2009 22:09

Yes

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 22:11

thanks! glad you like it barbarian. floaty I was hoping for an atomspheric prologue and then into story who why how. Do you think I'd better cut to chase, straight into chapter one?

OP posts:
Floatylight · 27/03/2009 22:38

Weeell. I would leave the prologue in, but the first paragraph is not an attention grabber. I would ditch it that paragraph altogether. I personally would start with the boat, which has more character and mystery than the landscape. As in "That day a row boat was drawn...". I think it sometimes works to be a bit cheeky, take the reader by surprise - what row boat - where are we? - and then let them realise bit by bit. Don't pave the way so obviously. It's the same to your man character, no need to spell out he's a widower - the pills, the booze and "the other [bedside] table empty ten months now" tell the tale more enticingly than "widowed last year".

Also, (I'm being terribly picky here) the use of "you" and "your" as in "Air moving past your face"; "so you can hardly tell vegetable from mineral" etc, sounds juvenile and I would try to find an alternative approach.

I would also be a stricter over the inclusion of some of the descriptions, ie "cold mud kissing his knee caps". I know the use of kissing in this context is creative, and I see why you've used it, but as the reader's brain is processing the description mentally (kissing knee caps??) it creates a kink in the flow. Lots of kinks = a bumpy read.

barbarianoftheuniverse · 27/03/2009 22:44

I really did like it, especially the first paragraph.
Cut to the chase though, is very good advice.
Also interesting and useful exercise is to delete all adjectives and then put back only the ones you really cannot do without.
(Kill Your Darlings, is (alas) absolutely sound)

janeite · 27/03/2009 22:48

Sorry _ I am putting my English teacher hat on here so I hope you'll forgive me if some of this sounds a bit harsh.

Be careful that you're not switching tense - the second paragraph is past and the rest is present and it jars.

It has some really nice touches but on the whole I feel that you're trying to pack too much in and it becomes a bit dene and over-written.

The bit about the widower is rather shopping-listy and could be held off until later, if he's important. If he's only important as the discoverer of the woman, the details aren't important.

Agree with Floaty re: use of the second person. It's a bit clumsy.

You can clearly visualise the scene well. I think you should cut out some of the 'over-dressing' and focus just on a few key details.

Again, all mho and feel free to ignore!

janeite · 27/03/2009 22:49

Dense not dene. My keyboard is playing up.

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 22:52

fantastic feedback, thanks, leaving out the first para is SUCH a good idea. And also dispenses with those 'yous'. I see what you mean about the other comments,and suspect similar affects what I write in general. Why is it so hard to see for oneself?! I'm rather attached to the muddy knee caps but I'm going to watch out for too much of this - all the other changes are going in right away. Really appreciate your time in helping with this, takes me forward from stuck to determined
and thanks also for the encouragement barbarian

OP posts:
BlaDeBla · 28/03/2009 13:13

I think it's a lovely idea with good things going on. I too, was a bit confused by the tense. I'm not entirely sure what is going on in the boat, since boats are usually female, and I got a bit muddled by sails flapping and clothes flapping. Are you talking about a boat or a female corpse? I think you are talking about a body!

It is a very vivid image and a good place to start.

ninah · 28/03/2009 18:23

yes it's a body in a boat
outing myself here but never mind
Narrative goes on to explain who what why
I liked the image too but floatylight is right it def needed tightening up and now I think I see how

Floatylight · 28/03/2009 23:14

Hope it works out for you! Will you let us have more to read (perhaps a weekly installment? )

I'm quite curious as to the widower as much as the bride in the boat, I hope he plays a part in the story.

We'll have to disagree on those kissing knee caps though . Would wet mud seeping through to one's knees really be akin to a kiss? .

Can I also clarify that if there is salt and seaweed present, they are on a beach in which case why is there mud as opposed to sand? Or is it more an estuary?

I should just add, I couldn't paint a picture in words like you do, it's so easy to judge when it's not your own work...

ninah · 29/03/2009 21:46

Do you know Mersea Island off the Essex coast? well it's there, kind of. A shore of utter mud. And yes the widower does have a part in the story, later on. I wanted to ask you to comment on text as it progresses, but didn't dare - so if you are willing, I shall add as time goes by, with comments gratefully received.
I tend to be overly visual, and I am conscious that can get wearing to read

ninah · 29/03/2009 21:47

ps the mud kiss is a kind of suck

ninah · 29/03/2009 21:48

actually I should just put that, sucking

Floatylight · 30/03/2009 13:30

Hmm, yes, sucking would work!

You must certainly give us another page or two to have a look at.

IMHO, you certainly have a talent for picturing the scene in detail and using vocabulary creatively. I think the descriptive text definitely works best as more of a seasoning than the main meal IYSWIM, peppering the text only where appropriate.

Good luck with the rest

ninah · 03/04/2009 18:17

thanks!

ninah · 04/04/2009 17:44

fwiw I think this is LOADS better and thank you all so much

That day, a row boat was drawn up at the edge of the water. It jerked restively against its rope, grey and oozing like the rest. Further up the mud two sail boats leant together for support. Nothing moved of its own volition, only swerved in the sea, flapped in the wind. The flapping, slapping noise intensified as the wind heightened, and the masts across the estuary rang out like bells.

It could have been the end of the world out there, or the beginning. Mud, water, and the tide stirring them - nothing alive but weed coughed up by the sea.

Towards the row boat something else flapped, something whiter than all the rest - not gleaming white, but discernibly pale. The movement caught his eye, the solitary walker. Sixty two last year, up early, trying to flee a hangover, blow it away in the salt air. He came closer, curious, and his dog raised its head from the enticing smell of dead crab it was investigating, and bounded over, oddly skittish. He noticed that, because his dog was old, and rarely excited now.

The man drew closer, close enough to see over the rim of the vessel, to see in. The white was her sleeve, her trailing lace sleeve. The rest of her lay there, held in the womb-like hug of the boat's wooden ribs, her long white dress bundled around her, her face radiant to the sky. Her eyes still open. Her left hand across her breast, its useless armoury of rings. Do you take her, til death you do part?

The man knelt down, and not in pure shock. He felt the cold mud beginning to suck through corduroy but he still couldn't move. In his befuddled state - he shouldn't have finished the bottle, he knew that, it still sat on his bedside table reproachfully, the other table empty ten months now - he felt he wanted to push the boat and body out to sea, alight perhaps, a Viking bride to Valhalla. She was very blonde. Instead, he took one last look at her beautiful, dead face, called his old dog away from sniffing her hand, and retraced his steps to the phone box on the hard. He called them in.

And then, then it all began.

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