Loss of ambition- anyone else?

[Dontstandonthat]

I'm not really sure why I'm posting here- just to find out if anyone else has been through the same process I think.

For as long as I can remember, it's been my ambition to write a novel. In my twenties, I took it so seriously- writing every evening, weekends. I took a course and joined a writers' group. It felt like a huge part of my identity and I couldn’t imagine ever not writing. I've been shortlisted for a few good competitions- including for a novel-in-progress- but I never managed to finish that novel or any of the others I started after that. But writing was something I couldn’t imagine not doing.

Cut forward ten years and two kids later... and that's exactly what I'm (not) doing. I just don't have head space. I start new projects, get about 2,000 words into them and completely lose motivation. I keep then thinking I need to get my head back into writing but then I think- why?? I did my writing course about fifteen years ago now and a few people from that have been successful and published novels and I'm not convinced it's made a massive difference to their lives. Coupled with that, the events/public speaking they've had to do to promote their work would be my worst nightmare.

The idea of giving up writing at the moment feels like a relief.

Anyone else? As I say, I don't know why I'm writing this, except that I'm really surprising myself that I can go from something that was such a burning passion to just... nah.

This is what your writing group is for. If you need to produce something for the group each time that acts as motivation.

I'm terrible at this myself but establishing a routine is so important. At the moment I only write before and after my writing group sessions. It's slow going but it's progress.

I've also read several posts by people who were worried about being underwhelmed by how they feel after publishing. That success wouldn't be satisfying. I'm afraid I can't really identify with this. I write for the pleasure of it and hopefully for the satisfaction of having finished something difficult eventually.

Noone asks DH when he's going to become a professional footballer when he goes for a kick about in the park with his friends. It's accepted that he can do it because it's enjoyable and good for him. But for some reason when I talk about my writing everyone is waiting for me to present them with my finished manuscript for them to review and asking when I'm publishing. It's my hobby, it doesn't require your input.

As for starting and abandoning projects ..sounds like you could do with changing your approach. Are you a discovery writer? Could you benefit from writing an outline of the whole plot before begining the story? That will give you clear goals and structure. Doesn't have to specific.

I'm not convinced it's made a massive difference to their lives

Interesting to see this as a reason to not do it. Is that what you were doing it for? I doubt it. Even though getting published can potentially make some difference, it's not a reason to do the writing day in and day out. You can only do that if you're driven to do the writing and tell the story, and it's the same at the other side of being published. Even if you'd had a big hit it'd still boil back down to arse in chair and getting those words out. It's nice to fantasise about writing a book changing your life but it sounds like you're wisely realising that's not a valid part of the motivation (probably more apt than ambition) and if you've no longer got the need to do the writing and finish the projects - and maybe never were driven to get the projects finished - then that's totally fine and nothing to feel bad about.

Maybe novels weren't really your form anyway and you could write something shorter if you want to write at all, but if not, enjoy the freedom. And enjoy not schlepping around doing all the promo as you're right, that's a big part of it now too.

What you said about starting and giving up on ideas, I think is probably really normal. I think it will just be like one day you will wake up with a really great idea and all that was just practice, and it will be organic without setting time slots you 'have' to use

This- thank you! It's the drive to write I've completely lost at the moment. Maybe it'll come back at some point.

You're so right with the football analogy- there's such a strong push towards publishing writing as opposed to doing it for the thing in itself. I've been thinking about that- it would be so appealing to write something I know will never see the light of day! But for some reason I'm not convinced I'd do it- possibly because of my style of writing- I edit so much as I go that it's hard, hard work. Perhaps I need to go with the flow more.

This is interesting because I have a thread that's both similar and opposite - having lost motivation AFTER completing work.

I think it's because ultimately writing is work and you have to be your own boss - the carrot and the stick. And that's not always easy. I used to be on a forum where the main personality would say 'if you're a real writer you'd write every day' but she had no kids and no job. Now I accept that you don't have to write every day, but you probably will write consistently-ish throughout a year if it's an active goal.

It's also okay if it's not an active goal for a while. When I was struggling with infertility I put writing on the backburner for years (albeit I did some fanfic!) - it's also a hobby/passion you can come back to at any time.

Another element is that thinking 'I'm a writer' can become so heavily embedded in what we think of as our identity that we become scared to let go or change that identity. If you don't enjoy finishing stories and don't want to get published then you don't have to keep going. Even as adults we change and evolve and that's FINE. This year I've been doing loads of gardening and language-learning, so naturally I have less time to write. Maybe that's okay too - I can adopt those elements into my identity. It's okay to change.

So give yourself a purposeful break where you don't feel guilty for not writing - however long you need, whether it's a month, three months, a year. Then say to yourself 'do I want to write?' and see how you feel.

If you do, give yourself a goal of finishing something, whether it's a story or a chapter - learning to keep going is an important skill. Tell yourself (only if you find this helpful, some do some don't) that it's okay to write a crappy first draft - it's a lot easier to edit a page that exists than write one that doesn't.

It sounds to me as if you don’t want to write any more, at least for now, and that you need to give yourself permission to stop, and (temporarily or permanently) to cut loose this part of your identity.

Do you take any pleasure any more in the process? If someone with a crystal ball told you you would never be published, would that be terribly disappointing or a relief?

Im similar i that i tend to edit edit edit. I have a bad habit where I start reading from the beginning to catch contradictions/name changes etc then I spend all my writing time editing the first few chapters and never get to progress the plot beyond the current stage. I'm not even convinced its much better, just different.

My writing group leader (published herself) has encouraged me to try to finish the book, however bad it is, so for me that means completing a rough outline and filing in the plot. The plan would be to go back and finish the detail in a heavy redraft once the 'hard' bit is done. Unfortunately I don't have an ending I'm happy with yet it falls a bit flat.

@ChaoticCrumble I like that idea, just getting the bones of a story down

I completely identify with what you’ve said, OP. In my twenties I too wanted to be a published author more than anything else in the world. I wrote novel after novel all through my late teens till early thirties. Then: kids, jobs, houses etc and it became impossible to write with the same intensity, although I carried on in a subdued way. Then suddenly the kids were older and I had time. I wrote another novel, and I got a proper book deal. Hooray! It came out at the end of 2021. And …. It wasn’t underwhleming, exactly, but it wasn’t the ecstasy I’d imagined when I was 35 and DESPERATE to be published. It was just … quite cool and nice. That’s all. (And yes the public speaking/events you suddenly have to do is actually dreadful.)
i now understand you have to separate writing from being published.
good luck getting your mojo back.

Thank you @strawberryvodka, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I think I’m exactly at that point you describe when kids, house etc are too overwhelming to leave enough headspace for it. And I do feel guilty about that and a fear I’m throwing away what I’ve worked for so far. Like a couple of people have said, there is identity mixed up in it too- which makes feel very different to another kind of hobby where you could pick it up and put it down at will. So I am feeling this weird need to declare I’m giving up completely, as opposed to- the much more sensible option- realising it’s not for me right now but who knows- I might get my mojo back in the future. Or I might start a bottom-drawer project that I absolutely definitely will never send anywhere, just to try and find joy in making something.

Thanks everyone- you are all very lovely and inspiring.

This thread really resonates for me. I've always loved writing, and somehow when you pour so much time and effort into making something there is this feeling like it has to pay off in some amazing way. I've just about come to terms with the fact that there will never be any adoring masses, I will never be 'redeemed' by commercial success. I've written 2 novels and one sort of novella thing now. I enjoy reading them from time to time, and I harbor hopes that one day my kids might read them. There is a kind of freedom in letting go of the idea of publishing. My works don't have to be highly polished to be complete, the flaws in my writing style matter less when my intended audience is just me, and that frees me up to get more things completed.
Write (or don't) the way that works for you

Oh, I love this thread!
I especially love @Cerialkiller 's comment about someone playing footie in the park not being asked why they don't want to try to go professional. That really made me chuckle.
I write short stories for pleasure (mainly, though I do enter competitions sometimes), but when I tell people I write they always seem to think I want to write/publish a novel!
I really don't!! The thought of writing 50,000 (or whatever) words makes me feel utterly panicky and overwhelmed. And as for doing any kind of promo work, that'd be horrendous.
Short stories really suit me, and the limited time I have available to write, with juggling family and work.
If you just want to go with the flow, it only takes a few hours to write something. On the other hand, if editing and redrafting are your thing, short stories are great - there's not so much to read through!
Short story competions are nice, because they offer a prompt/starting point, and a deadline. Even if you don't even enter them, let alone win, it's still fun.
(I really like the 'Best' magasine short story comp. £500 first prize, and two runner up prizes of £200. You only need to write approx 1200 words, and the theme is usually jolly and uplifting. Next competition will be in the mag next week, July 16th. And no, I don't work for them, I just like to keep an eye out for this one!)
But most of all, writing should feel good... a release... an escape... fun. Outside of education, it should never feel like a burden, or something you have to do.
So if you don't want to write, don't.
I used to write a lot in my 20s, a bit in my 30s, then nothing at all, other than letters to friends and work reports for years... then I joined a writing group on a whim, and now in my 50s its suddenly a joy again.

I had a dream I wrote a story and everyone was saying how bad it was. I changed my identity, it was so embarrassing

I also had something of a complete break from writing in my thirties to early 40s.... with young kids and my work being focused on editing and content creation, I found I just didn't feel much like doing it. Or it felt overwhelming trying to fit writing fiction in around small kids.

Well, the kids are a bit older now and I've had more time to write and written a novel (which I'm currently re-drafting).

A couple of things that helped - reading for pleasure; reading a book like Save the Cat writes a novel; listening to podcasts about writing.

I used to edit as I went along (I still do sometimes).. and I think it used to really slow me down and not allow my writing to flow or take shape organically. I was so busy worrying about writing a great first or second sentence that I barely wrote anything at all. Maybe try freewriting or journalling to try and let go of perfectionist tendencies and allow your writing to be bad!! That for me was quite freeing.

I would love to be published, but, like you, hate the thought of the events that go with it.. But I love what I've written (and what I've learnt from doing it) so even if I never get a publishing deal, it will still feel worth it.

I'm loving all the talk about writing for its own sake on this thread! Very true about the pressure to publish too- I wonder if part of it is because of all the profit to be made these days from 'how to publish a successful novel' type courses?

It's made me think of this letter from Kurt Vonnegurt on creativity too, which is phenomenal...

www.highexistence.com/make-your-soul-grow-84-year-old-kurt-vonneguts-wonderful-letter-to-a-group-of-high-school-students/

I think that letter is patronising, given KV’s uncompromising attitude to his own work, and his sense that the literary establishment never took him seriously.

But I absolutely agree on enjoying the process and reminding ourselves about the pleasures as well as the slog. Like I was at a big stadium gig on Friday night and realised midway that I was also with my protagonist walking along a dark farm track in midwinter listening to her mobile ring in her pocket.

More food for thought
https://www.theguardian.com/books/article/2024/jul/22/love-letters-how-to-write-a-book-podcast-elizabeth-day

writing can be experiential creative fun for while, but it can also be very very hard work, learning lots of new skills, and a lot of it isn't pleasant. Since most authors don't earn any money, it can feel like a waste of time to develop these skills or finish your story when you probably won't get paid for it. It IS something possible to learn and get better at, but imagine what you could do if you spent all that time learning something marketable or that generates income (personally I write fantasy and make a living, but just barely... still it's enough to keep the motivation going because it pays the bills.

I think because I’m a copyeditor, I find it hard to regard the first draft as just that. So I’m constantly tweaking and cutting sections that it later turns out I should have kept.

I now try to write 1k words on writing days. I allow myself to read previous output (though not the first couple of chapters which have had far too much attention already) and beef it up a bit but I don’t let myself finish for the day without having produced some entirely new material. Even if it’s just a paragraph. Then, on non-writing days, I ponder on plot holes and try to advance the story ready for when I have arse to chair again. I’m about halfway through I think, and still enjoying the process but I!m very aware it’s work, and almost certainly unpaid work at that!