Sir Snibbs and the Dragon

[sevenearths]

Here is a childrens story I have written. I thought I'd share it here :)

D = Description
T = Text

Page 1
D: Snibbs is in the kitchen and his dad asks if he wants to go and get the post that has just arrived
T: “Snibbs's dad is excited for the post has come,
He grabs his keys and says 'Lets have some fun”

Page 2
D: Snibbs leaves the house and turns into a knight. He descends the steps to set off on his quest. (leaving a castle, people waving him off, inc. his mother)
T: “With heavy armour and ready to fight,
Sir Snibbs marches out into bright daylight”

Page 3
D: Snibbs and his dad head off on a little detour through the woods
T: “Between Snibbs, his father and the prize,
lies a forest of great size”

Page 4
D: Snibbs's father swipes down to pick snibbs up a stick to play with. Snibbs imagination takes over
T: “With a steed and a sword of great might,
There is not a single thing he can not fight”

Page 5
D: A lumbering dragon with floppy ears comes towards them through the wood. With the sun behind him the dog looks like he's on fire.
“But wait! What is this beast we can not evade,
Come on Snibbs, be strong, don’t be afraid”

Page 6
D: Fearful of the Dragon Snibbs dismounts his steed and hides. His dad gets rid of the dog by throwing a ball off into the distance
T: “The dragon comes closer it's mouth open wide,
Snibbs thinks 'I don't want to be in it's inside'”
“Snibb's runs from the dragon in great fright
but his trusty steed knows a game it might like”

Page 7
D: With the dragon gone Snibbs mounts his steed and carries on with his quest
T: “With the Dragon vanished and the coast clear
Sir Snibbs can feel the prize in near”

Page 8
D: Snibbs and his father reach the post box and retrieve the mail (the mail is the prize/gauntlet)
T: “What is this that is square in size?
Can it be? The ultimate prize?”

Page 9
D: Snibbs and his dad return to the house along the track all the while on the look out for dragons
T: “With the prize in their hands
they return to the castle through dangerous lands”

Page 10
D: The dragon is blocking the door (sleeping). Oh no!
T: “But just as they are about to enter the keep
They find a dragon who is asleep”

Page 11
D: Snibbs raises his sword to slay the dragon
T: “This is the time to strike, one blow,
to rid this land of this awful foe”

Page 12
D: Daddy shouts out 'No! We do not hurt animals'
T: “But the kings voice thunders 'NO!'”
“THERE ARE SOME PLACE WE DO NOT NOT GO!”

Page 13
D: Snibbs puts his sword down. The dog licks his face
T: “The knight puts his sword by his waist,
the gentle dragon licks his face”

Page 14
D: Snibbs runs into the kitchen with the mail triumphantly in his hands
T: “Mummy hears Snibbs's little feet, 'Wow (she thinks), the quest must be complete'”

Page 15
D: Mum picks up snibbs and swirls him round
T: “It is always important to do what is right,
For every day needs a brave knight“

@Zilla1

What broad indicative price ranges did the illustrators suggest, OP, if you will be commissioning them.

I expect you will but make sure the contract grants you the rights that reflect the uses you need (print, web, self-publishing, juridictions, ownership of copyright, acknowledgement) and what you want about future works, to the extent this would be fair based on whatever balance of upfront or deferred payments or other types of deal you agree.

Good luck.

"Good luck." - Thanks :)

@StayWithMe21

OP you might want to look at this video from Maverick

maverickbooks.co.uk/submissions/picture-book-submissions/

Good luck with the book - wishing you all the best!

Hey thanks for the link. They have some good points there

"Good luck with the book - wishing you all the best!" - Thank you. That means a lot :)

It sounds like your making progress, OP. Are you based in the UK or USA? If the UK, I'm not sure 'sole rights' to the drawings will necessarily give you what you need.

@HollowTalk

Are you actually familiar with books for five year olds, OP?

You use a lot of words that the majority of five year olds wouldn't know:

• a steed and a sword of great might
• evade
• trusty steed
• The ultimate prize
• a keep
• the quest must be complete

Then you make a lot of mistakes with your own punctuation. Who will you ask to proofread your book?

The main problem though is that there isn't really a story there to keep young children interested. Have a look at something like "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" and compare the story there with yours. Look at what actually happens in it.

If you want to publish it in the traditional way you simply have to know about all the books that the parents might buy at the same time for their child. You don't provide an illustrator. A publishing house would organise that.

If you want to self-publish, then think about it: children that age don't read Kindle books. Of course Amazon or vanity publishers will let you self-publish, but how would you let parents know your book exists? Self-publishing is really difficult and while the odd person succeeds, I've never heard of a successful author writing for five year olds, simply because parents want to see what they're buying (eg in a bookshop) or to buy something which has a lot of fantastic reviews.

” Are you actually familiar with books for five year olds, OP?” - Yes I read to my son all the time

” You use a lot of words that the majority of five year olds wouldn't know:” - luckily I have a friend who is an educational psychologist. She says it’s fine to introduce a child to these words at this age. It’s a good point though.

” Then you make a lot of mistakes with your own punctuation. Who will you ask to proofread your book?” - yeah thank god I’ve got a brother who is an editor/copyrighter who’s going to correct all that for me .

” The main problem though is that there isn't really a story there to keep young children interested. Have a look at something like "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" and compare the story there with yours. Look at what actually happens in it.” - I never read that to my son. I’ll have to have a look at it. Thanks for mentioning it.

@EarringsandLipstick

I also think there's no real story here. There's no reason for the 'adventure', he's just collecting the post. The story itself is confusing.

I think it's great that you'd like to write a children's book but you need to revisit the drawing board & come up with a better concept.

I find your approach, finding an illustrator etc, perplexing.

Thanks for taking the time to read it. That’s very kind of you :)

@Terrazzo

I must say, you are very good at taking constructive criticism OP! Good luck with the project.

Thanks for saying so Terrazzo. It’s nice having people reach out and tell me what they think (positive or negative). I’m always happy to hear it :)

[quote Zilla1]@HollowTalk Bear Hunt was one of the stories I had in mind when I was trying to gently make my points.[/quote]
It’s on the list. I’ll get it next time I’m down the library :)

@FittedSheet

It’s a brillliant book, and encapsulates for me why small children’s picture books are so difficult to do really well. One thing that regularly reading aloud to a small child makes you realise is how important the sound and rhythm and mouthfeel of the words is!

I read somewhere that to have a successful children’s book you should have; unique title, a animal & rhyming language (I don’t know if that’s true)

@Demilunary

OP, this still sounds a bit mad — almost everyone has said the text and the story concept need considerable work before you do anything else, but you’re setting up a website, hiring an illustrator and have two editors working on it? As a pp said, your approach is puzzling.

That’s ok. I’m getting feedback from other places as well (don’t worry. It’s not friends and family) and I’m going to talk to some authors as well and see what’s what.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and posting :)

@StayWithMe21

Go for it OP - it will be great fun and you'll learn so much along the way. It doesn't have to be a best seller for you to be proud of what you did and what you achieved once it's in print.

Nothing has to be perfect to gain some learning along the way. This could be the beginning of a great new career for you. Many authors aren't successful on their first book and it takes time to learn a craft. I hope you get some good feedback from your editors and it's a success. Good luck.

Whoa @StayWithMe21! Thanks for stour comment. It’s a bit of fun and if I only have one copy on my sons shelf I’ll be happy :)

As you say it doesn’t have to be a best seller.

OP, this thread has got even odder. Why do you keep ignoring people’s advice (and many of the people on this thread are authors) to forget about hiring illustrators and starting websites until you’ve reworked the text considerably to sharpen plot, characters, language? How many drafts have you written to get it to this point?

Also, the one piece of advice that is relevant whatever type of book you write is that you need to read very widely in your genre/age group. Yet you haven’t read one of the most enduringly classic modern children’s picture books for your age group? I’d strongly recommend you get yourself down to your local library and bookshop.

Honestly I love the character's name, there's something very whimsical about it. I like the concept but there needs to be more. More action, more thrills. I think it could go somewhere if you fleshed it out but I'd do all that storyline work now before getting the illustrator/editors/website etc.

The standard UK children's book is 24 pages, or 12 doubles.

A few new words are fine. It helps if they can be figured out. ie "He raised his scimitar..." next to a picture of somebody holding a large sword in the air.

Publishers like to find their own illustrators for books they get sent, but as you're talking about self publishing that's not relevant.

Animals books are great, but stick to famous animals or you'll have to spend time explaining what it is.

Another thing to put publishers off: Rhymes. It means they can't translate them for different languages. Personally I like them and nearly all my books (None published and given up) rhyme. Not harmed Dr Seuss much though.

I was a little confused by the story at first. If Dad is the horse who is the King?

The rhyming needs to be much much tighter.
Try to get the same amount of syllables in each line you rhyme.
And aim for a rhythm.
DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM, DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM.
DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM, DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM.
e.g.
WILL-you-EAT-green-EGGS-and-HAM?
WILL-you-EAT-them-SAM-i-AM?
You should be able to clap along with it.
A bit of mine to show the rhyme:

"Weird Luke was a cowboy
But a special kind of one.
He wore a cowboy hat and boots
But never used a gun.

He slept beneath the stars
And helped the cows when they got stuck,
But it wasn't from a horse's back
'Cause Luke would ride his duck.

Sure, the duck was small
And Luke got laughed at by the farmers,
But the duck was brave and loyal
With the strength of 20 llamas."

Anyway, good luck. A child who uses their imagination on ordinary situations could lead to countless stories.