Sir Snibbs and the Dragon

[sevenearths]

Here is a childrens story I have written. I thought I'd share it here :)

D = Description
T = Text

Page 1
D: Snibbs is in the kitchen and his dad asks if he wants to go and get the post that has just arrived
T: “Snibbs's dad is excited for the post has come,
He grabs his keys and says 'Lets have some fun”

Page 2
D: Snibbs leaves the house and turns into a knight. He descends the steps to set off on his quest. (leaving a castle, people waving him off, inc. his mother)
T: “With heavy armour and ready to fight,
Sir Snibbs marches out into bright daylight”

Page 3
D: Snibbs and his dad head off on a little detour through the woods
T: “Between Snibbs, his father and the prize,
lies a forest of great size”

Page 4
D: Snibbs's father swipes down to pick snibbs up a stick to play with. Snibbs imagination takes over
T: “With a steed and a sword of great might,
There is not a single thing he can not fight”

Page 5
D: A lumbering dragon with floppy ears comes towards them through the wood. With the sun behind him the dog looks like he's on fire.
“But wait! What is this beast we can not evade,
Come on Snibbs, be strong, don’t be afraid”

Page 6
D: Fearful of the Dragon Snibbs dismounts his steed and hides. His dad gets rid of the dog by throwing a ball off into the distance
T: “The dragon comes closer it's mouth open wide,
Snibbs thinks 'I don't want to be in it's inside'”
“Snibb's runs from the dragon in great fright
but his trusty steed knows a game it might like”

Page 7
D: With the dragon gone Snibbs mounts his steed and carries on with his quest
T: “With the Dragon vanished and the coast clear
Sir Snibbs can feel the prize in near”

Page 8
D: Snibbs and his father reach the post box and retrieve the mail (the mail is the prize/gauntlet)
T: “What is this that is square in size?
Can it be? The ultimate prize?”

Page 9
D: Snibbs and his dad return to the house along the track all the while on the look out for dragons
T: “With the prize in their hands
they return to the castle through dangerous lands”

Page 10
D: The dragon is blocking the door (sleeping). Oh no!
T: “But just as they are about to enter the keep
They find a dragon who is asleep”

Page 11
D: Snibbs raises his sword to slay the dragon
T: “This is the time to strike, one blow,
to rid this land of this awful foe”

Page 12
D: Daddy shouts out 'No! We do not hurt animals'
T: “But the kings voice thunders 'NO!'”
“THERE ARE SOME PLACE WE DO NOT NOT GO!”

Page 13
D: Snibbs puts his sword down. The dog licks his face
T: “The knight puts his sword by his waist,
the gentle dragon licks his face”

Page 14
D: Snibbs runs into the kitchen with the mail triumphantly in his hands
T: “Mummy hears Snibbs's little feet, 'Wow (she thinks), the quest must be complete'”

Page 15
D: Mum picks up snibbs and swirls him round
T: “It is always important to do what is right,
For every day needs a brave knight“

What broad indicative price ranges did the illustrators suggest, OP, if you will be commissioning them.

I expect you will but make sure the contract grants you the rights that reflect the uses you need (print, web, self-publishing, juridictions, ownership of copyright, acknowledgement) and what you want about future works, to the extent this would be fair based on whatever balance of upfront or deferred payments or other types of deal you agree.

Good luck.

"what is the core of the story?" - I'll be honest with you, this story came to me in a dream. The theme seems to be; fun, adventure, danger with a moral component as well.

"what are you trying ... to communicate to the reader?" - Just a fun story.

"what are you trying ... to communicate to the child?" - A fun story, but also actions have consequences.

"what are you trying ... to communicate to the parent?" - That they have a story and something they can talk about with their child

Wow! That all made me really think :)

"What best-selling books aimed at the same audience/age do you like and what do you think the core of their story was?" - Woah! Soooo many. My two favorites are Ferdinand the Bull and the The Brave Cowboy. My mum used to read them to me and I read them to my son. For Ferdinand the Bull is was a story of pacifism, & for The Brave Cowboy it was an adventure and helping people I suppose.

"Good luck." - Thanks :)

@Zilla1

What broad indicative price ranges did the illustrators suggest, OP, if you will be commissioning them.

I expect you will but make sure the contract grants you the rights that reflect the uses you need (print, web, self-publishing, juridictions, ownership of copyright, acknowledgement) and what you want about future works, to the extent this would be fair based on whatever balance of upfront or deferred payments or other types of deal you agree.

Good luck.

"What broad indicative price ranges did the illustrators suggest, OP, if you will be commissioning them." - I've only just started talking to illustrators.

"I expect you will but make sure the contract grants you the rights that reflect the uses you need (print, web, self-publishing, juridictions, ownership of copyright, acknowledgement) and what you want about future works, to the extent this would be fair based on whatever balance of upfront or deferred payments or other types of deal you agree. " - You are absolutely right with all of this. I will have to find a contract that I can adapt and use.

OP, the story needs more work before you commission an illustrator. Reread what some pps have said. Those 250 words need to be perfect.

Also, what are you planning to do once you’ve had it illustrated? Try to have it published traditionally published or self-publish? Have you researched children’s picture book agents and checked whether they will even accept an already-illustrated MS, or whether they prefer to take text only and pair it with an illustrator themselves?

Decent illustrators are deservedly expensive. You could be blowing a lot of money on making your book less likely to be published.

It depends on whether OP is:
a) Going to have a couple of books produced for friends and family as a bit of fun
b) Wants to self publish and sell to the public
c) Wants to traditionally publish.

If a) fine, go ahead with what you have and an illustrator if you're happy with it.
b) You can do as above, but the prose needs work if you're hoping other people are going to buy it. You might sell a little, but it doesn't read well out loud. You need to get the length of the lines right as well as the rhyme at the end to read well. Also there's some errors (such as it's rather than its for a possessive) which need correcting.
c) Don't bother with the illustrator as if they like it they'll appoint their own. But as above you'll need a lot of work on the prose. I know someone who does this age books and they would tell you that because there are so few words, every word has to count. If you're rhyming then don't lose the meaning to get the rhyme you want, which happens a few times. I know they say they write exactly what they want on the page before trying to sort out a rhyming couplet, otherwise you lose the story.

Good luck.

OP you might want to look at this video from Maverick

maverickbooks.co.uk/submissions/picture-book-submissions/

Good luck with the book - wishing you all the best!

Are you actually familiar with books for five year olds, OP?

You use a lot of words that the majority of five year olds wouldn't know:

• a steed and a sword of great might
• evade
• trusty steed
• The ultimate prize
• a keep
• the quest must be complete

Then you make a lot of mistakes with your own punctuation. Who will you ask to proofread your book?

The main problem though is that there isn't really a story there to keep young children interested. Have a look at something like "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" and compare the story there with yours. Look at what actually happens in it.

If you want to publish it in the traditional way you simply have to know about all the books that the parents might buy at the same time for their child. You don't provide an illustrator. A publishing house would organise that.

If you want to self-publish, then think about it: children that age don't read Kindle books. Of course Amazon or vanity publishers will let you self-publish, but how would you let parents know your book exists? Self-publishing is really difficult and while the odd person succeeds, I've never heard of a successful author writing for five year olds, simply because parents want to see what they're buying (eg in a bookshop) or to buy something which has a lot of fantastic reviews.

I also think there's no real story here. There's no reason for the 'adventure', he's just collecting the post. The story itself is confusing.

I think it's great that you'd like to write a children's book but you need to revisit the drawing board & come up with a better concept.

I find your approach, finding an illustrator etc, perplexing.

I must say, you are very good at taking constructive criticism OP! Good luck with the project.

@HollowTalk Bear Hunt was one of the stories I had in mind when I was trying to gently make my points.

It's one of my favourite books!

It’s a brillliant book, and encapsulates for me why small children’s picture books are so difficult to do really well. One thing that regularly reading aloud to a small child makes you realise is how important the sound and rhythm and mouthfeel of the words is!

There was a programme about it recently - did you see it? They were reading it aloud almost like a song, and it made me realise that I read it to my children in exactly the same way, though I'd never heard it read aloud. It's such a skilled book - I absolutely loved it.

I didn’t, but you’re right, the way it’s constructed dictates the rhythm. It’s very skilled. I saw an adorable touring stage adaptation with my the toddler years back.

@HollowTalk I saw the Christmas? adaptation (did this have the story changed?) Was this what you saw? If not, grateful for a link or Channel (BBC Four?) or a hint.

I've been trying to remember - I think it was a programme about Michael Rosen - will try to find it.

I found this hosted on a dedicated website -

www.jointhebearhunt.com/

It sounds like he's slowly recovering.

It was so terrible, hearing about his physical problems since he had Covid. That isn't the video I saw, but it's said in the same way. It's driving me mad!

Yes and hearing when he was admitted too. I listen to R4 Word of Mouth which is usually interesting.

@FittedSheet

OP, the story needs more work before you commission an illustrator. Reread what some pps have said. Those 250 words need to be perfect.

Also, what are you planning to do once you’ve had it illustrated? Try to have it published traditionally published or self-publish? Have you researched children’s picture book agents and checked whether they will even accept an already-illustrated MS, or whether they prefer to take text only and pair it with an illustrator themselves?

Decent illustrators are deservedly expensive. You could be blowing a lot of money on making your book less likely to be published.

"OP, the story needs more work before you commission an illustrator. Reread what some pps have said. Those 250 words need to be perfect." - I have two editors working on it thankfully

"Also, what are you planning to do once you’ve had it illustrated? Try to have it published traditionally published or self-publish? Have you researched children’s picture book agents and checked whether they will even accept an already-illustrated MS, or whether they prefer to take text only and pair it with an illustrator themselves?" - I was just going to self-publish on Amazon

"Decent illustrators are deservedly expensive. You could be blowing a lot of money on making your book less likely to be published." - Your telling me. Well if it doesn't get published it's not the end of the world. One book for my son would make me happy :)

@MargaretThursday

It depends on whether OP is: a) Going to have a couple of books produced for friends and family as a bit of fun b) Wants to self publish and sell to the public c) Wants to traditionally publish.

If a) fine, go ahead with what you have and an illustrator if you're happy with it.
b) You can do as above, but the prose needs work if you're hoping other people are going to buy it. You might sell a little, but it doesn't read well out loud. You need to get the length of the lines right as well as the rhyme at the end to read well. Also there's some errors (such as it's rather than its for a possessive) which need correcting.
c) Don't bother with the illustrator as if they like it they'll appoint their own. But as above you'll need a lot of work on the prose. I know someone who does this age books and they would tell you that because there are so few words, every word has to count. If you're rhyming then don't lose the meaning to get the rhyme you want, which happens a few times. I know they say they write exactly what they want on the page before trying to sort out a rhyming couplet, otherwise you lose the story.

Good luck.

I think I'm in the 'B' category there.

"b) You can do as above, but the prose needs work if you're hoping other people are going to buy it. You might sell a little, but it doesn't read well out loud. You need to get the length of the lines right as well as the rhyme at the end to read well. Also there's some errors (such as it's rather than its for a possessive) which need correcting." - I'm looking forward to seeing what the editors have to say that I have given it to. Let's see :)

OP, this still sounds a bit mad — almost everyone has said the text and the story concept need considerable work before you do anything else, but you’re setting up a website, hiring an illustrator and have two editors working on it? As a pp said, your approach is puzzling.

Go for it OP - it will be great fun and you'll learn so much along the way. It doesn't have to be a best seller for you to be proud of what you did and what you achieved once it's in print.

Nothing has to be perfect to gain some learning along the way. This could be the beginning of a great new career for you. Many authors aren't successful on their first book and it takes time to learn a craft. I hope you get some good feedback from your editors and it's a success. Good luck.

I can totally see why you’re excited to get it going- cool- but it is quite clunky to read, not that exciting a concept and there’s a lot of phrases and words that will go over most young children’s heads. Your writing needs a good proof read (please note your/you’re)

I wouldn’t want to read the word ‘Mail’ instead of ‘post’ in a British story.

I think you seem more excited in what the illustrations would look like rather than the quality of the writing, which is a shame.

@Zilla1

What broad indicative price ranges did the illustrators suggest, OP, if you will be commissioning them.

I expect you will but make sure the contract grants you the rights that reflect the uses you need (print, web, self-publishing, juridictions, ownership of copyright, acknowledgement) and what you want about future works, to the extent this would be fair based on whatever balance of upfront or deferred payments or other types of deal you agree.

Good luck.

"What broad indicative price ranges did the illustrators suggest, OP, if you will be commissioning them." - The prices I have seen so far have been between $800 to $2,500

"I expect you will but make sure the contract grants you the rights that reflect the uses you need (print, web, self-publishing, juridictions, ownership of copyright, acknowledgement) and what you want about future works, to the extent this would be fair based on whatever balance of upfront or deferred payments or other types of deal you agree. " - Yeah I have managed to find a good contract I think I'm going to use. It mentions that I have sole rights over all drawings involved in the project (obviously its more long winded then that)