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Feedback on my first chapter

16 replies

masterfxck · 12/07/2020 21:06

Hi,

Have posted for feedback before and got quite a few bits of helpful advise, however, it was in a completely different genre and style to the new piece I've written.

So just wondering, if I post in the comments the first part of my opening chapter, anyone would be willing to provide some feedback?

It's not the full chapter. Just the first 800 words ish. First draft. Have literally just written it.

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masterfxck · 12/07/2020 21:25

Sorry, there's some typos in my OP, I'm not a lost cause, I swear. Grin Well, I might be!

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shash1982 · 12/07/2020 21:29

I'm happy to have a read of it. Am always looking for new authors & books.

masterfxck · 12/07/2020 21:45

@shash1982 Thank you! I appreciate that. I'll post it down below in a new comment.

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masterfxck · 12/07/2020 21:48

Here it is for anyone who would like to have a read. I'd really appreciate some honest feedback. It's the opening of my first chapter. First draft.

Erika Hansen wasn’t ready to die. Hell, at eighteen, she’d barely lived. She’d never been drunk, she’d never been abroad, and she hadn’t even finished school yet. Now, here she was, standing in front of the bathroom mirror as blood poured from her nose, convinced she was about to die. Still, perhaps, she’d miss prom and that was definitely a plus.

She leaned forward slightly, her pale reflection staring back through bloodshot eyes. Gingerly, she lifted her hand and wiped it across her sweaty forehead, pushing back her sandy coloured hair. The woman in the mirror mimicked her actions but she didn’t look like Erica, not anymore.

Her skin was normally tanned with a smattering of freckles along the bridge of her nose, partly obscured by her black rimmed glasses. Behind her glasses, were emerald eyes. One of the only things Erica liked about her appearance. They were wide and bright. Or they usually were. Except when she’d pulled that all-nighter last week to study for the dreaded History Exam. Her eyes looked even worse now with dark circles beneath them. Even her hair was different. It was usually thick, glossy and naturally straight. The sandy coloured strands fell to just past her shoulders but the hair was now dull, limp and matted in places. Still, pale skin, tired eyes and nosebleed didn’t necessarily mean she was about to die, right?!

Erika might’ve been able to ignore all of those things, including the crap night she’d had with barely any sleep. She’d woken herself up with a hacking cough, like something was stuck in the back of her throat but no amount of coughing would clear it. But fine, whatever, she was sick, she had a cough. Totally normal. She could definitely ignore all of those things and get ready for school. That’s when she coughed again. She covered her mouth with her hand, catching it just in time. Her stomach lurched, what the hell was happening to her? She looked down at her trembling hand. It was now covered in bright red blood. Her heart was beating fast, slamming itself against the side of her rib cage.

She took a tentative step forward and steadied herself against the edge of the sink as the ceiling lights began to blur.

“Breathe, Erica,” she murmured. “Just breathe…”
Make a plan, that’s what she needed to do. Get cleaned up, call her Ma, and calm the hell down.
She straightened up and ignoring her bloody reflection, started turning the tap. It wasn’t normally this stiff; or perhaps it was because she was suddenly so weak. She gave herself a little shake. Focus, damn it. Finally, the dribble of water turned into a steady stream and she submerged her bloodied hands. She scrubbed at them until the water ran clear and then splashed it up against her face, rubbing at the dried blood beneath her nose and soaking her clammy forehead with the cold water.

What would she say to her Ma? “Hey Ma, only me, sorry to bother you at work but my nose is bleeding and I’m coughing up blood”? Erika sighed. That wouldn’t work. It’d only panic her. But if she downplayed it her Ma would tell her she was fussing over nothing and to suck it up. Maybe she should just go back to bed, wait for her Ma to come home and hope she didn’t die in the meantime.

She turned the tap off and, giving her reflection a final cursory glance, headed for the door. Her bare feet padded silently across the cold stone floor. The distance from the sink to the door was minimal but as her outstretched hand reached for the handle, her legs buckled beneath her and Erika collapsed to her knees with a gasp that was hastily replaced by another wet cough. This time, she didn’t catch it in time and a spattering of red painted the back of the bathroom door. Her eyes widened briefly at the sight. Then she blinked. Again and again. Her vision blurred and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Then, Erika Hansen lost consciousness.

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masterfxck · 12/07/2020 22:30

There's paragraphs on the website but not on the app Hmm

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Phossy · 12/07/2020 23:15

Honestly, I think that it’s not a good point to ask for feedback after only a few hundred words — you’ve barely got going and the chances are you’ll end up going back and completely rewriting the start anyway, so it’s not worth agonising over at this stage. I’d push on.

But for what it’s worth, I think the very beginning was smart and effective. The ‘Hell’ sounds rather US, as does ‘prom’ — is it US-set? ‘Woman’ sticks out slightly in that I don’t think many eighteen year olds would unselfconsciously view themselves as a woman in an individual sense.

But it seems to me to lose its way a bit and slacken once you start the lengthy description of her looking at herself in the mirror — it’s almost as much of an opening chapter cliché as your POV character waking up in the morning on page 1. (And is someone really going to be musing about her own ‘emerald‘ eyes if she thinks she’s dying?)

The description of her symptoms feels a bit like the beginning of ‘House’ (where we see a patient collapse with whatever strange set of symptoms Hugh Laurie would spend the episode diagnosing) or a magazine story about some unusual condition — I didn’t know where you were headed with this. What kind of novel is this?

NCParanoia · 12/07/2020 23:20

Happy to give my uneducated two cents OP. Disclaimer: I am a narrator so, whilst I read a lot of books, I am not a writer nor editor but I feel my experienced reading may help?

Anyway. The passage to me has a definite voice and pace. I was swept up in her panic and could imagine Erika and her surroundings well as I read. I enjoyed reading it too and was interested to know what had happened to E so that's always good!

Some of it was a bit obviously descriptive imo. 'Black rimmed glasses' 'pushed her sandy coloured hair' i just think you can describe these in a less obvious way iyswim.

It felt a bit repetitive towards the end, i got lost a bit in the last few chunks where I think you could edit it down a bit.

Overall I really enjoyed it and think you have a talent here for sure (again, my uneducated opinion!!). Keep going!!

NCParanoia · 12/07/2020 23:22

Seem to have lost all my paragraphs too, sorry!

Sjl479 · 13/07/2020 09:50

It’s very American (maybe you are American though 🙂) and the description bits feel rather contrived, but I want to know what happens next, which has to be a good sign!

themental · 13/07/2020 11:02

I feel like the pacing, particularly in the last paragraph is off, which doesn't really leave me feeling swept up in the story or really pack the punch of the cliffhanger.

She turned the tap off and, giving her reflection a final cursory glance, headed for the door. Her bare feet padded silently across the cold stone floor. The distance from the sink to the door was minimal but as her outstretched hand reached for the handle, her legs buckled beneath her and Erika collapsed to her knees with a gasp that was hastily replaced by another wet cough. This time, she didn’t catch it in time and a spattering of red painted the back of the bathroom door. Her eyes widened briefly at the sight. Then she blinked. Again and again. Her vision blurred and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Then, Erika Hansen lost consciousness.

She turned off the tap and gave her reflection a final cursory glance. Bed. She needed to go back to bed. Cold tiles bit at her feet as she attempted to close the small gap between her and the door.

Her breath slowed as the weight in her limbs increased.

She blinked, the handle gleaming at her from across a room that was suddenly the length of a football field.

A hand as shaky as her breath reached for the door.

And fell directly into nothing.

Knees buckling, she hit the tiles. Hip. Elbow. Shoulder.

Air pushed from her chest on impact - a pitiful moan that ended in a whimper - and it didn't sound like her. This wasn't her.

Another cough. Hacking. Another gasp. Useless.

Her shoulders clenched as she fought for air.

The world darkened, tiles becoming duller, but all she cared about was air.

She lay down, no longer able to carry the weight of her small frame on her elbow. Not when her chest heaved and every muscle in her body grappled with her cough.

Bed. She just needed to go back to bed.

Okay so that's probably not how I'd write a first chapter because it's likely* too much. But if your character is going to faint and almost die, you really need to make the reader feel like that's what's happening. You want them reading quickly (so less big paragraphs - especially the same lengths of paragraphs repeated again and again as that's just an invitation to skim, more small paragraphs, small choppier sentences, white space on the page - subconsciously tells the reader to big up the pace of their reading, dubious grammar etc, because the scene is supposed to feel rushed and a little panicked)... that said, I wouldn't personally do this before the reader was given the chance to connect with the main character. They need to actually care about what happens to her. Right now, we have a teen girl and a brief mention of school and her mother - so basically nothing to differentiate her between any other teenager in the country.

Readers start to care about characters when they feel like living, breathing (coughing 😁) people.

And what makes people, people? Opinions! That's incredibly difficult to do when your very first chapter seems like she's waking up with a bleeding nose?
What makes readers feel like characters are living? Setting! Setting viewed through the eyes of character. Again, not great to try to build any sort of depth with setting when the character is waking up in a familiar surrounding and something has their attention straight away.

IDK. These are just my personal thoughts. It's not a bad piece of writing at all, I could type plenty of great things to say about it too but I don't think that's ever very helpful. So yeah, I'd maybe consider if you could make your job a little easier and start somewhere else. Good luck!

masterfxck · 13/07/2020 13:28

@Phossy Yes, you're probably right about that. I haven't written anything in quite some time so I just had a sudden panic and thought, what if it's utter rubbish?! And I've no one, besides online forums, to ask.

You're definitely right about 'woman'. It doesn't quite feel right.

Reading it back this morning with fresh eyes, I can see what you mean about it losing it's way.

Thank you.

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masterfxck · 13/07/2020 13:29

@NCParanoia Thank you. I really appreciate your perspective. It is, after all, readers who are the target. I'm not trying to create a literary masterpiece or a work of art. I simply want to convey a story, that's enjoyable and immersive for the reader. Nothing more. It's what I search for in books I like to read. I don't want it to make me think, I want it to distract me. I want to escape and enjoy it. Read it and then once it's finished, read something else. You're definitely right about some of the description and repetition that starts in the second half. Thank you!

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masterfxck · 13/07/2020 13:29

@Sjl479 Thanks. I appreciate that. I definitely have a firm plan now going forward based on the feedback I've had.

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masterfxck · 13/07/2020 13:31

@themental I was hoping you might have a read and provide some feedback. I've followed your threads and advice with lots of interest as I'm planning to self publish. It's been really insightful and helpful. You're incredibly honest and open. So I'm grateful to have your perspective here. Thank you. On reflection, I agree, it's possibly not the best place to start as an opening chapter but perhaps a few chapters in once the main character has been a bit more established. It's a YA Supernatural, the first in a series, hopefully.
And yes, yes, with regards to the pacing. You're totally right. I feel like I've got a bit more direction now and a firm plan in my head about what I need to do. It's so helpful to have an outside perspective.

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LadyCatStark · 13/07/2020 13:36

I have no creative writing experience but it does make me want to read on. I agree that the description of the character is too long and you should focus on how she’s feeling. You also keep changing between Erika and Erica but that’s easy to fix!

masterfxck · 13/07/2020 13:47

@LadyCatStark Thanks. Someone saying they want to read on is incredibly encouraging and spurs me on, so I really appreciate that. Yes, the description definitely needs heavy editing. That's been the consensus from everyone so far so I'll definitely work on that. Thanks again!

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