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Fiverr Order - Can you read through and give me honest feedback please!!

15 replies

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 16/06/2020 01:04

He was on the brink of starvation when she floated her way to him.

He'd seen her several times, pounding her way through the streets of Derry in the eerie silence of the twilight hours. He always watched with subdued interest as she would pause every few steps to place a small glass bottle full of some creamy scented white liquid substance at the doorsteps of the houses lining the streets.

This time was different. He'd not fed in weeks. It had been far too risky, and this curfew the County Council had put in place made it even more difficult for him to feed. He was weakened, driven to desperate acts in order to survive.

The boy seemed such an easy target. Small and meek. No older than 4... Maybe pushing 5. Pennywise hadn't gambled on the boy looking up at him in his vulnerable state and laughing at the clown before him who bore unnatural razor like teeth.

He walked away. The kid walked a-fucking-way!

Never had that happened to him before, then again, he'd never let himself get into such a sorry state before. More pissed off than stuned he slithered back to the sewer, hoping to salvage some scraps to sustain him until he could hunt again.

Only, she was there. At the entrance of the barrens. Collecting the small purple flowers that collected on the edge of the woodland. Now, Pennywise was anything but fond of humanity, as far as he was concerned they were food to him and nothing more. But this little sapien had something about her. A softness. A spark. She was lovely in every single way. She always had been even as the small child he'd once intended to eat.

That something about her saved her life...

And ruined his.

She was 20. Still so young. Still so fresh and vibrant. Her scent was delectable, her fears would make her simply mouth watering. But she always disarmed him with her bright, carefree smile. Her warm touch upon his arm satisfied his ravinous hunger in incomprehensible ways. He couldn't explain it.

All these millennia and he'd not once felt anything like it.

Acceptance.

Kindness.

It was sweet in a twisted bitter way. Just like the taste of her aura. Sweet and sickly to the point he wanted to regurgitate upon tasting her. But it was the most addictive thing he'd ever had the pleasure of tasting.

One hit was all it took and he was hers.

He was hers to do with as she pleased. He was a beast. A monster. Destroyer of worlds.. He was every child's worst nightmare. But in her presence he was... Different.

Softer, gentler.

Yes. He'd thought it impossible but...

Oh, yes. He loved her.

She didn't know that. And he'd never let it be known. She was his only weakness. The key to his complete undoing. And he managed to keep it that way, years came to pass without her knowledge. He'd secretly kept her for his own. Day by day drifting through the sleepy town of Derry unchanged and unnoticed by townsfolk.

Until that fateful day.

He knew instantaneously something was very wrong. It was as though the very force driving him was screaming, howling in fierce desperation. He could no longer sense her. Couldn't collect the sweet coconut scent of her skin. He must've visited every place he thought she may have gone at least a dozen times. Each time becoming more desperate, more crazed. He wondered briefly if she'd finally had enough.

Had she left?

He sat cross legged at the border of the town, red rimmed burned amber eyes ferociously scanning the horizon for any sign of his human.

He found her by the barrens. Void of any garments, covered in bruises and most importantly, he could sense no life signs.

No pulse.

No breath.

No heartbeat.

At the collarbone where her shoulders and neck met was a deep gash. It trailed between the valley of her breasts and down her abdomen, halting abruptly an inch or so above her navel.

She'd been dead at leat an hour. He knew too much time had passed for his life force to bring her back. It didn't stop him trying out of blind hope she'd come back to him as he collapsed to his knees beside her. He willed it over and over again. Sharp talons grasping at her naked flesh as he held her against his alabaster chest, the tattered and over-used silver s ilk stained with her sugar blood.

He cradled her there for hours. Until the warmth finally slipped from her body. And it was then Pennywise knew for certain his bright, beautiful little sapien had slipped from his grasp never to return. With that realisation he gave an agonised howl to the stars, stark white jaw unhinged, jagged teeth and talons bared.

The world could see the beast he was.

The animal.

The alien.

... Back then, he'd never felt more human.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 16/06/2020 01:30

Hi, OP.

So are you saying that someone has commissioned this story from you? What was their brief?

Am I right in thinking to that you're getting paid for this but that you want MNetters to edit it for you for free?

I would say it does need some work but it's really hard to give an opinion on whether it will meet your client's expectations. It might be fine as it is, depending on what they're actually after and how much they're paying for it.

splishsplashshow · 16/06/2020 01:31

So this is fanfic?

I don’t understand. Are you selling this or something? Because you can’t profit off fanfic. It’s copyright infringement.

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 16/06/2020 01:37

No. Its a personal order for someone on fiverr. I just wanted to know what you guys think of the writing style.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 16/06/2020 01:42

So you're writing it for a random person you connected with on Fiverr but you're not getting paid?

LonginesPrime · 16/06/2020 01:43

Either way, it's difficult to judge the writing style without knowing what was requested.

alexdgr8 · 16/06/2020 01:44

sorry, to be honest i found it laboured in the over-descriptions, like a 6th former trying to get in lots of adjectives.
then the story and imagery got more and more bizarre and unpleasant to my way of thinking, it's not something i would choose to read or listen to, so to be fair, i am not the right person to comment on content.
i also found it difficult to follow, but perhaps it is an extract, not from the beginning. i was confused between first a girl, then a boy, then the girl again being watched. i couldn't really understand it, and frankly, didn't want to. i presume it is part of some horror genre. not for me.
i presume this is a genuine query. glancing at it again i wonder if it has been posted for the shock factor, or to disgust, offend. hope not.

splishsplashshow · 16/06/2020 01:44

Just pointing out it’s illegal to profit off someone else’s IP.

NiteWotcha · 16/06/2020 01:56

I deleted this same post in AIBU as you seem to be getting responses here

Squince · 16/06/2020 07:42

So your brief was to put Stephen King’s Pennywise in Derry? (Have you been to Derry? It’s not a ‘sleepy town’...)

I think this needs tightening up. For a short piece, there’s too much floating of the focus of interest from the small boy to the little girl, then suddenly we’re years later and the girl is twenty and within a paragraph or two she’s been murdered? And the beginning needs clarifying — why is the girl ‘pounding’ along streets at twilight, while also (possibly? It’s not clear) delivering milk? And if someone murders her out on the ‘barrens’, how does she ‘float’ her way to Pennywise (in the sewer presumably?) What do you mean by ‘he’d secretly kept her for his own’? And if he’s a cannibal clown who lives in a sewer (as I gather Pennywise is), why is the girl smiling at him and touching him on the arm?

AudaCityLimits · 16/06/2020 07:48

Hi OP.
There's a lot of plot here for such a short word count. It jumps about a bit.
Also, be careful when writing about violence/the consequences of violence- to do it in such a short piece means that the characterisation or plot hasn't had a chance to NEED something so terrible. In a way, it hasn't earned it IYKWIM. It feels a bit like a very short story has been written in order to justify writing about the dead body of a woman.

LonginesPrime · 16/06/2020 10:30

On the plus side, I though the sudden change of tone when you mentioned the County Council was very funny - not sure whether that was intentional though!

Witchend · 16/06/2020 17:53

In all honesty I was confused. Now if it's fanfiction, as others have suggested, then it may be obvious if you know the characters. I couldn't even work out what the writer was meant to be. I wasn't sure if he was meant to be a human or an animal, mythical or real.

Some of the adjectives are overused. "Creamy scented white liquid substance". Is it creamy-scented, or creamy, scented? And if it's creamy, why mention it's white too? Liquid substance doesn't make sense, I assume you meant to delete one and didn't.
If it's necessary for the reader to know it's milk, why not use it more in description? Have the boy dropping the white liquid in a glass bottle. Mention the time the author picked one up and stuck his thumb in the creamy top, or maybe the bottle has a picture of a cow on it. Or does the boy walk down the road calling "Milk, bring out your empties"?

However I don't think it's necessary to underline it's milk unless that becomes important later.

HollowTalk · 16/06/2020 18:18

She's delivering milk and pounding the pavements but pausing at every doorstep?

There's too much description and not enough story for me, I'm afraid. I was very confused by it.

NotNowPlzz · 20/06/2020 13:28

I like the writing style but I am confused about the plot.

Zilla1 · 20/06/2020 15:14

I think Stephen King's It is set in Derry, USA, as a some other King stories.

Presumably milk is used as a vehicle to show the otherness of the entity and how it doesn't understand many human things.

I think I agree with Hollow (Hi, Hollow) and others. Too much description in the wrong place getting in the way of the progression of the story. It's a matter of personal preference and style though I've seen many writers equate maximum, flowery description with 'good' writing. Perhaps it's my genre-based view of the world but I focus more on story.

I'd be interested what the brief was though I think there is at least one relatively novel and interesting dimension to this. Well interesting to me as I've used something similar in one of my stories.

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