Helping hand?

[Iheartbellatrixlastrange]

Hello, can I have a few moments of anyone’s time please. I’ve been writing for about three years. When I was younger my dream was something to do with writing. My grammar, punctuation and spelling isn’t up to much, but it’s something I feel passionate about. Could I please ask whom ever is reading if they could give two paragraphs a scan over and tell me what you think. Not about the grammar ect.. this is my first draft. Just basically are u feeling it, or is it abit...stale? Thank you I advance.

Pottering with my scarf, the rhythmic echo of my footsteps is crunching through the usually brick layered street, that is now cascaded into snow. The only thing that keeps me from enjoying this rare silence is the thoughts that continue to rattle through my brain. Pulling my hat tight and snug against my ears, in an attempt to block out the cold. My boots are saturated, and trying to get up these steps is proven to be a nightmare. Once I’ve reached the top, my dormant reflection in the glass doors that dominate the building, stares back at me. My slight confident smile quickly fade’s. Eagerly awaiting the warmth, I’m soon Lunging for the handle of the door. With my reflection fading too.

Ohh, that is better, removing my clothing, that now feels like a deadweight. Revealing my tiny frame, that now appears even more so, because of the black dress that hangs off me. Turning back to the doors that held my reflection. Dead, puffy and irritated eyes stare back at me, and my skin resembles that of a corpse. “Perfect” I think to myself. Grinning at Gloria whom is perched behind her desk, observing me like always.

I've not read the story yet but wanted to say I don't think you should be too worried about spelling and grammar at the moment. Microsoft Word has a spelling and grammar checker and Grammarly works too to highlight errors so you can decide what you want to deliberately keep in (real people's speech generally isn't grammatically correct so your characters might not be either) and what you want to correct.

You'd want to tidy spelling and grammar for submissions to agents though line/proof editors eventually pick up the last few errors before publication. The main thing you should focus on is to tell your story. Over time, as you improve your spelling and grammar, you'll save some time by removing errors as you write.

In effect, unlike school, creative writing is storytelling, not a spelling and grammar test.

Good luck.

Maybe you could give some sample paragraphs from the beginning of your text? These seem like they’re in the middle of something and, without context, I really can’t see what you’re writing about. Seems like a flowery way of telling the reader someone walked up some stairs and has some beef with a woman called Gloria.

What are you trying to achieve here with this writing? Why are these paragraphs important to the overall story? Is it an opportunity to show us some conflict? There is a lot of telling going on about about thoughts rattling in her brain and that she looks like a corpse. I think it would’ve been better if you shared a little more inner monologue at the start by means of short, snappy rhetoric questions then the character is snapped back to reality when she catches glimpse of her reflection before going into the office.

I wouldn’t call it stale, but personally I find this kind of style a bit off putting when I’m reading, because you’re trying to elaborately explain and describe something that doesn’t need to be a elaborately explained and described. The character is walking from A to B and it’s been snowing... I don’t think it’s badly written at all - there’s some grammar issues, but you know that already - you’ve clearly had fun with the vocabulary and writing the descriptions, but that doesn’t make it fun to read (for me personally). I would save descriptions like this for scenes and events that are more deserving and focus more on moving story and character forward. First person is great because you can really find and get into a character’s voice. ‘Pottering with my scarf, the rhythmic echo of my footsteps is crunching through the usually brick layered street, that is now cascaded into snow.’ Is this something your character is really thinking about in such detail? Or is it just what you’re simply wanting to describe for the sake of it?
As a pp said it would be great to hear a bit more about your story in context.

I agree with the people above.
That sort of writing is fun to write, but reading it feels a bit try hard and use the longest word the thesaurus comes up with. I know I tend to write like that when I have a really exact picture in my head and want to make sure the reader has exactly the right one too. However people reading have told me they prefer to be able to have some freedom of imagination, as if it clashes then it's hard to get into it.

What others have said about needing the context is quite important. Because if you need the reader to be aware it's very cold and she has a scarf, then it might be important. However if all we need to know is her arriving at work in winter, then you have two paragraphs that could just as easily be condensed into something along the lines of: "Shutting the cold outside, she pulled off her winter clothes and raised her eyes to see Gloria, staring as always, across the desk."

Lots of description slows the story down. Generally that's a bad thing, however there are times when it does work, again we need the context. You need to have different paces in the story to add interest.

I agree and disagree about Zilla on the punctuation/grammar. You can sort that out later, I would totally agree. I use spellcheck a lot. I don't generally find the grammar checker especially good. I generally write first, then go back and look at grammar and spelling.
However when I'm doing a critique on a work, especially a long work, bad grammar does mean it can be hard to actually find out what is meant, and you can end up looking too much at grammar etc and losing the meaning of the story. So I would try and sort out your grammar to a certain extent before asking people to look at the story.

What I would say is that your grammar isn't bad in the bit you've written. Not perfect, but whose is on an early run through? Have you looked at resources online which could help you? Grammar is rule led-although it isn't always totally agreed to, most people will accept a rule (eg Oxford comma) as long as you're consistent. Because it's rule led, it can be something you can learn from a book/website.

Apostrophes for example:

1. Contractions-so don't= do not, there's = there is etc. Missing letters. Say it in your head. Your scarf/you're scarf: does it make sense to say "You are scarf"? No. So, no contraction means it must be "your scarf" with no apostrophe.

1. Belonging. The dog's bowl. The bowl belonged to the dog-or we could say "the bowl of the dog". If you can turn it round to say A belonged to B" then there's an apostrophe.

More complicated: "The girl's hats" or "the girls' hats" or "the girls's hats". Depends. Is it one girl? Then girl's. More than one girl: "The girls' hats". Do you add the extra s to be "girls's"? I was taught not to, but I think it is correct too.

EXCEPTION: The only exception to this is "it's" and "its".
Again a basic rule:
It's = it is
Its = belonging.
So "It's nuts" = it is nuts.
"Its nuts" = the nuts belonging to it.

A lot of grammar is like that. Rules and regulations. Find a good book, good website, practice a lot and you'll get it as well as anyone else.

It's a bit clunky. Not everyone can write well in present tense (and that includes some published authors - Lucy Foley's recent thriller releases, for example). I think you'd be better off writing in past tense.

Thank you all for your help, it really means a lot. I will take it all on board and get back to writing. Thank you

I changed a little of it last night, I think I’m really trying to set the scene with the first paragraph.

“The thoughts rattling through her head” part, is more of a subtle hint to the reader that, there’s more going on with the character. I’ve attached a bit more and the changes below if anyone would like to see more and offer me more advice. Thank you all so much, it’s much appreciated.

Pottering with my scarf, the echo of my footsteps is crunching through the usually brick layered street, that is now painted white. The only thing that keeps me from enjoying this rare silence is the thoughts that continue to rattle through my brain. Pulling my hat tight and snug against my ears, in an attempt to block out the cold. My boots are saturated, and trying to get up these steps is proven to be a nightmare. Once I’ve reached the top, my dormant reflection in the glass doors that dominate the building, stares back at me. My slight confident smile quickly fade’s. Eagerly awaiting the warmth, I’m soon Lunging for the handle of the door. With my reflection fading too.

Ohh, that is better, removing my clothing, that now feels like a deadweight. Revealing my tiny frame, that now appears even more so, because of the black dress that hangs off me. Turning back to the doors that held my reflection. Dead, puffy and irritated eyes stare back at me, and my skin resembles that of a corpse. “Perfect” I think to myself. Grinning at Gloria whom is perched behind her desk, observing me like always.

“Good morning Miss Hunter” Gloria Spits through her perched lips. “if you would like to take a seat and Dr Franklin will be with you momentarily”.

Making my way over to my usual seat, that seems to be occupied by a little brown bag.

“This yours? I ask a small child. She nods her head up and down.

“Here you go” Gloria continues to stare while I perch myself awaiting Dr Franklin to call my name.
“What you in for?”, I ask the child, whom bobbing her head up for her colouring.

“My mummy thinks I’m bad” she replies. While sucking on her lollipop.

“Hmm,, are you?”

Looking up from her colouring book again, and then scanning the room. She bites down on her lolly smiling like a Cheshire Cat.
“sometimes”.
“Why?”
“I don’t know I just am” she cheerfully replies.
“Oh right” I reply back. “My mummy and daddy said my sister was bad too, before they died”.

Somewhat piquing her interest, she whispers, “how did they die?”.

Footsteps clatter through the corridor, as my name is shouted through the tannoy. Shifting myself up from my seat and grabbing my thing’s I walk away not before Turing to the child.

“Because my sister was bad”.

Also I think when she is walking in the snow, like “thiswaythatway” states I think it will be beneficial to add more of an inner monologue to give this paragraph more of a point. Thank you

My thoughts:

Cut the two opening paragraphs. They don't add anything to the story.

Is it important Gloria is named? You need to make it clear she's the receptionist. If she's not important, you can leave her as the receptionist. If you want her to be important, give her name later.
"The receptionist spits through her pursed lips. I glance down and see her name badge. "Gloria" I'd never noticed anything glorious about her."

I'd use "shortly" rather than "momentarily". It's that sort of usage which gives the impression you've been through with a thesaurus, looking for bigger words. It doesn't trip off the tongue as easily.

The bit with the child is odd. A child of that age is unlikely to be left alone in a waiting room, or is she meant to be a ghost?
Would an adult really ask a lone child "What are you in for?" especially as an opening? That's an intrusive question for someone you know well, let alone someone you've just met! Much more likely to ask who she is there with, or where Mummy is etc.
Let the child chatter naturally. Admire the colouring, ask what the picture was, that sort of thing then let the child come out with the information.

"Somewhat piquing her interest, she whispers, “how did they die?”." Confused by this. Is this the child saying it? Or should it be I whisper?

I am a novelist and playwright and old. I struggle with the majority of writing today because everything seems to be described to within an inch of its life. Whatever happened to allowing the reader to use their own imagination? Anyway, that's largely irrelevant. Regards your writing, the main thing is to enjoy doing it. The chances of getting a book deal are slim (statistically true unfortunately) so do it because you want to - and anything beyond that is a bonus. Good luck.

Oh, one thing you need to be aware of is that a spell checker and grammar checker won't pick up incorrect words. 'Gloria Spits through her perched lips' - assume you mean pursed lips. Also 'she nods her head up and down' - just say 'she nods' - everyone knows that when you nod your head goes up and down, you don't need to say it.

The reason I name Gloria is to show the reader she has been to this place many times. Also Gloria doesn’t like her, but I understand the naming part. I think it will be best by just referring to her as the receptionist.

And the part with the child, is a way of explaining my characters personality. In the book she is childlike her self, but also sly and cruel. Also the place were she is, a normal human being may wonder what a child is doing there. My character is the type to just ask.

She doesn’t function like a normal human would, hence telling a child something so...messed up. Taking on board with the over description, I’ll have another look over. Thank you very much :)

But is the child alone in the waiting room? That seems implausible, though I think the story actually gathers interest properly for the first time with their exchange.

The usual rule is get into a scene as late as possible (cut the preliminaries, start as close as possible to they key action) and get out as early as possible (we don’t need to hear how all the characters got home afterwards, unless that’s important).

Do you need the walk to the clinic? There seems a lot of extraneous detail — can you ‘potter’ with a scarf? Are streets often made out of brick? The character’s mood seems to fluctuate — why is her reflection ‘dormant’ but her smile ‘confident’? Is she apprehensive or impatient or what is she feeling about the appointment? Taking off her “clothing’ suggests a striptease, when I assume you mean she’s taking off her coat?

The strip tease part! Oh god, I’ll change that yes I meant coat haha.

The child is not alone, mum at vending machine, I’ve fixed that part.

It’s crazy seeing how other people read it, competed to my self.

I’ve took all points on board and can already see it’s so much better. Thank you all