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Creative writing

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Opinions please?

6 replies

agirlhasnonameX · 23/05/2019 22:22

Of this as an opening. I'm terrified to post this, normally just lurk on this board, so it's just a few paragraphs. I have been writing since I could, but no one has ever read any of it. I'd just love to know if it even makes sense to someone other than me, if it's really poor writing or very boring, or both? Or what could be better if improved?
Also apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors, I have proof read about ninety times but sure there are still loads. Blush

It was none of their business why I was going, I hardly took notice of their affairs, let alone poked my nose in them. Yet they swarmed me like vultures around a fresh carcass, pecking and squawking, unrelenting to leave without every last piece.

Truth be told, I hadn’t an appetising answer to serve them. I wasn’t looking for adventure, although I had scarcely left the city walls since I was a girl. Sitting on back my fathers wagon I thought I had seen some of what the world had to offer and had found it to be less than what little I had even imagined. The most exotic moment I had occurred apon, was looking down from the rickety wood carriage into a blossom scattered lake of grey and flesh coloured fresh water fish and still, they tasted better than they looked swimming about in the shallows of the water. Dirt roads and patched grass could be found within the walls just as well and those short lived spring days had quashed quickly the delusions I may once have had that life outside the city walls held any beauty or adventure worthy of desire.

No more could I tell them in honesty that it was the company I sought, for although it was true that I had never been so close as I would be to so many high born Lords with their silk drenched ladies, I did not care for their extravagance any more than I did for the rats intruding on my half standing shack. It seemed to me, that the main purpose the King, his extensive family and glorified entourage served, was to remind the Kingdom beneath them that they would never be free from the filth, parading the mass of their wealth and sophistication as if that alone should be the subject of our humility. And like the rodents, there was nothing any mere labourer nor rustic could do to prevent them encroaching on our lives, gnawing at our pantry’s -through one tax or another, or breeding at such a rate their numbers would seem to double by a night. If anything, they where a vermin and as such, a nuisance like any other.

I could not very well tell them the truth however and with dozens of hungry beady eyes peering at me as though skinning me alive with their very glare, at length I told them both these false reasons; that I longed for exotic adventure and craved the honour of company with the finest.
No sooner than I finished, did the kettle continue in its synchronised squawking.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 23/05/2019 23:29

I have only read two paragraphs and there are a number of incorrectly used words or phrases OP.

It's very flowery...whilst not saying a lot. It could be heavily edited. I see you're writing in a style from another era but it's still overly wordy.

unrelenting to leave without every last piece.

This word should not be "unrelenting" for example.

The most exotic moment I had occurred apon,

This doesn't make sense. Sorry to be blunt.

Happyspud · 23/05/2019 23:33

Grammar and phrasing makes it awkward to read. I think you need to proofread it more.

HennyPennyHorror · 24/05/2019 05:58

Also....sorry to pick, but a kettle shouldn't "continue with it's synchronised squawking" ...the part which matters in that section is at length I told them both these false reasons; that I longed for exotic adventure and craved the honour of company with the finest

But we still don't know who "they" are or even what the protagonist said when she told them. We also have no idea where she was never mind the fact that the kettle was on.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose

CakeRage · 24/05/2019 09:12

I’d agree with the others that it is very flowery, so much so that by the end of it I’m not sure at all what’s happening.

Tell your story first. The embellishments are just that. I see what you’re trying to do, in that you want the writing to be elegant, but there is elegance in simplicity.

My advice would be to strip it back. Get to the heart of the story. That’s the most important part. Smile

agirlhasnonameX · 24/05/2019 10:19

Thank you for your honesty. I was most afraid it didn't make sense, so I should have known really. I think I get in my head too much and try to make things sound a certain way and it just comes out a tangled mess.Blush

But we still don't know who "they" are or even what the protagonist said when she told them. We also have no idea where she was never mind the fact that the kettle was on.
It starts with a group of people talking, so the 'kettle' is referring to the group and the next section is their dialogue.

I'm going to go and slink back under my rock and die of embarrassment now, but honestly thank you I will take everything said and apply as best I can.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 24/05/2019 13:08

You need to set the scene far sooner OP. Who is she? Where is she? Who are the people? The skill comes in conveying as much pertinent information as possible in an entertaining way or the story's not interesting.

Bit don't be embarrassed. Join a group...somewhere you can share with others who are also learning.

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