first chapter advice

[bustamove82]

I am making good progress with my writing but am having second thoughts about where in the protagonists life I should start my novel. Initially I started from the end of the story , and have the character reflect on his life whilst looking at a key piece of art from his life to get into it. I am now wondering if I should just start from the beginning of where the story gets interesting (when hes younger). I have included the start of my first chapter as is - hoping for some advice and critique, Thanks.

Once the teacher had ushered the children into the next room, the gentle sound of piano music could be heard once more. The occasional cough or musing from other visitors in the space did little to soften my concentration. I had been sat in the same spot for maybe fifty minutes or so, staring at the face of the girl in the boat and wondering what she'd been thinking.
Before long, an elderly lady approached and stood between myself and the painting, temporarily blocking my view. It was a welcomed pause and if nothing else a chance to gather my thoughts before feeling the need to look on. The lady had a crop of dappled dry hair that tilted from side to side as she studied the canvas in front of her. Seemingly aware of my gaze, she turned to face me with a faded beauty that once must have been so apparent, a striking contrast to that of the girl on the water behind her.

"Most enchanting," she said with a smile, and then came and sat down beside me. She gestured ahead with her hand. "The use of colour and textures, it has such a Pre-Raphelite feel to it. Very, ...Waterhouse. It is so rare to come across a new piece of work with such classical style nowadays, don't you agree?"

A tight smile crossed my lips, eyes fixed again on the flurry of soft, muted colours held in the frame before us.

"Such a terrible waste," she continued. "Truly disappointing," letting out a gentle sigh.

"I'm sorry?" The words seemed to fall from my mouth as confusion ruffled my silence.

"Well, the artist of course," she said. "He painted this one stunning piece, only to refuse any further works. Did you not read the catalogue?" She replaced her glasses and gathered the booklet from her lap, tracing the print with her finger. "Here," she said, and tapped the page then offered the booklet towards me.

I glanced down at the glossy paper to see a miniature version of the very painting I had been sat for almost an hour in front of. There was no doubt it was the same piece but it seemed impaired, lacking the life and curiosity of the canvas in front. The image, a girl on a wooden clinker boat, drifting lightly through her last days of childhood. Her tea coloured skin and sea green eyes seemed slightly out of place for the English country garden in which she found herself. In the foreground, lily pads cluttered the surface of the water only interrupted by the hull of the boat. The girls body was mostly concealed, hiding all but her face and left arm outstretched, her fingers hovered gently above the water. She was slumped slightly over the left hand side, as if she had been admiring her reflection in the water and at the last moment been startled by the painter, her eyes suddenly drawn to him. Her expression remained undaunted though and showed no sign of shame at being caught in a moment of vanity. Quite the opposite in fact, it was as though she would have drifted for lifetime in the boat, just for a chance at being seen.

The copy below the image read;

^'The Waterpoets Daughter' by Roland Dunn 1985 - .
No other known works. Kindly donated to The Beldon Mueum by the Darlington Winterfall Trust, at the wishes of Sir Theodore Darlington.
The oil-on-canvas is believed to depict Sir Darlingtons adopted daughter Jemima on the millpool of their private estate - Winterfall. Despite Sir Darlingtons long standing prowess within the Artistic community he was unable to persuade Dunn to further his portfolio, making this piece truly invaluable.^

As a general rule, you should start somewhere interesting. If you're starting with the narrator's reflections, you need something compelling as a hook - e.g saying in your opening lines that this was the picture that changed his life beyond recognition.

It sounds like an interesting story. I like the way you've put a narrative into the picture and the description of the picture as a whole is really good. I definitely want to know more about the narrator and the girl in the picture!

I've 'proof read' it as you requested a reader's critique - I hope the below is helpful.

You've used the word 'once' twice in your first sentence. How about 'when the last child had been ushered out of the [gallery?] ...'

Sat in the same spot - should be 'sitting'

'myself and the painting' - should be 'me and the painting'

'faded beauty that once must have been so apparent' - this is rather clumsy - if you can see it has faded, there's no need to say it was once apparent.

Raphelite - Raphaelite

'and tapped the page then offered the booklet towards me.' - 'tapping the page as she offered me the book' would read better.

'the very painting I had been sat for almost an hour in front of.' - a bit clunky. How about ' the very painting I'd been staring at for almost an hour' ?

'the life and curiosity of the canvas in front' - 'in front of me' would make it clearer that the narrator was comparing the two.

'The image, a girl on a wooden clinker boat, drifting lightly through her last days of childhood.' - the image showed/portrayed a girl ...

Sir Darlingtons needs an apostrophe - Darlington's. Artistic shouldn't be capitalised. 'Further' his portfolio sounds slightly odd - expand his portfolio maybe?

ScreamingValenta Wow! Thank you for putting in such a thorough critique. Your comments are so appreciated. All my work so far has been written without spellcheck etc so I'm definitely going to have fun going through it all . I believe the story to be quite unique so want to do it justice. I come from a background in finance and making the decision to try and carve this out (with 2 young children) in my spare time is a little daunting. Thanks again for your advice and not laughing me out of the room!

I really liked the starting point that you’ve chosen. It made me curious about who the narrator is and particularly who the older woman is (so presumably there would be some pay off for the reader later in the novel in terms of interweaving/revealing the connection that these characters have to the story/the artist.) I like your writing style - you have a good sense of language and atmosphere and the premis is intriguing which would make me read on.

The only advice I would suggest relates to what not to do:

• don’t worry about structure too much at this stage. It would be easy to exhaust your creative connection to the story by making a variery of false starts (for example, in relation to point of entry to the story or POV, etc.) It therefore might be more useful to write the story out following the structure you have at the moment. Once you have a rough draft or working first draft, you might then read it through and decide to amend where the reader enters the story should you wish but by that stage you’ll have a clear understanding of your key plot points and the order in which you wish to reveal information or character.

When I write and edit at the same time it can feel as though two different parts of my brain are in conflict. One result is the potential to get bogged down in a particular section of the writing because you feel it has to be perfect before moving on. It doesn’t mean you don’t edit as you go along but be clear that the editing stage can be a different part of the process to the creative stage where you are getting the story out so you can see and feel the shape as a whole.

This isn’t meant to be prescriptive. I’m sure many writers here will have an amazingly tight first draft because they polish and edit frequently as they go along whereas I’m simply not great at multi-tasking. The reason I’m flagging it is because it’s easy to self-sabotage during the writing process by listening to the siren call of trying to perfect at an early stage.

The main thing is that it seems like you have a good story here and you obviously have talent. You had reasons for choosing this point to introduce the reader to your story - write on and see where it takes you.

Good luck. You have a strong start here so trust your instincts.

@bustamove82

I hope it was helpful. As Suki says, you have the start of something really promising here!

On a nit-picking point, Sir Theodore Darlington wouldn't be called 'Sir Darlington' but 'Sir Theodore', so you would need to have 'Sir Theodore's adopted daughter' and 'despite Sir Theodore's longstanding prowess' etc. You probably don't need to specify 'private' estate either.

Also, a painting would have needed hours of the model's time at a minimum, so it doesn't work to suggest the painter has taken the model by surprise at an unguarded moment, the way he could have if it were a photograph taken of her unawares.

And echoing a pp's advice to just push on through and resolve small issues at the revision stage, rather than get bogged down in detail.

Thanks kiltartan should have picked up on the Sir malarkey myself! With regards to the look of the girl, it was more so that she had the expression that she didn’t care anyone was looking so may have to re visit that. How did you feel on the writing itself? Did you like mind he starting point?