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Is it terrible?

16 replies

febmum2b · 09/04/2019 14:20

So. I'm returning to my writing after a long (unintentional) break and feeling a tad overwhelmed. If you have the time I would love to hear any feedback. Granted you can't tell an awful lot with a snippet but, I'm procrastinating!

I remember sitting on the faded carpet in our living room, munching on marmalade toast and listening to the faint sound of mothers radio drift through from the door to the kitchen. I was wearing my favourite pair of pale blue pyjamas, the ones with a green pinstripe. The neat little collar and row of wooden buttons looked more like a uniform than anything else and I always felt rather grown up in that set. I had been watching the sluggish parade of red double-deckers pull up outside our window, one after the other, after the other, as they made their way down to Waterloo. Staring at the passengers in grey, black and blue, yawning their way to another busy day. It must have been a week day, the day that we left. People on the bus wore more colour on the weekends. Brighter colours, wider smiles and the addition of children were a sure sign of a Saturday. Now, what must mother have been doing? Presumably things that she'd usually done whilst we'd lived on Islington Road. Washing the dishes, folding the sheets and preparing the supper before noon. Of course, this probably wasn’t the case on that particular morning. She would have been folding our clothes, wrapping her valuables, packing our lives in the smallest way possible as not to raise suspicion with father.
"Tommy?" she called, "Have you finished your breakfast?" "Almost," I replied, whilst scraping the remains of crust and crumb onto the carpet for Rabbit. (Dear Rabbit. She was not, as you might presume, an actual rabbit, but rather a mongrel two bit scrap of a pup. Something between terrier and terrible father had said, but father didn't care much for pets. Our neighbour Mrs Parry had brought her round just a month earlier and said her husband John had found her wrapped in a sheet, bungled down a rabbit hole on his latest shoot on the moors. Mrs Parry explained that her youngest Jack appeared to be allergic, after developing a terrible prickly rash and cough in the dogs presence. It hadn't taken mother much convincing to keep baby rabbit, providing I kept her out of fathers way).
Mother appeared in the doorway, golden from the glow of the morning sun that shone through the window behind me. "We really need to get a wriggle on now," she said, as she picked up my plate off the floor. "What are we doing? Don't I have school?" "Not this morning," she said. "We are taking a little trip. I have packed your things and set some clothes out upstairs, you just need to get dressed and maybe pick a book or two". "But where are we going? What about Rabbit? Will father be joining us too?" "Daddy is working, but Rabbit can come. Now go get your things and I will tell you more on the way". I did as she asked, and when I came back downstairs I found her placing a note on the kitchen table with 'Ralph' scrawled in ink on the top. "Just leaving a goodbye for daddy," she said, her eyes turning glassy and wet. "Don't cry," I said. "We'll be back soon enough and we can tell him all about it". She smiled and touched my cheek. "How did you get so sweet Tommy Bird?" I reached down into my trouser pocket to retrieve a crumpled paper bag and placed a frosted yellow lump in her hand. "Pear drops!" I said, "Shall we go?".

OP posts:
CatetheGreat · 09/04/2019 14:33

No, it's good. So.... carry on!

ScreamingValenta · 09/04/2019 17:22

I really like it. I love 'something between terrier and terrible'.

What time period is your story set in?

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 09/04/2019 17:57

Love it!

I now need to know what happened!

Dizzywizz · 09/04/2019 18:05

Yes when can we read the rest?!

Nuffaluff · 09/04/2019 18:20

Nice writing. I like it a lot.
The bit with the rabbit jarred me out of the moment. It was a bit long.
I think you could ‘show, not tell’ the fact that mum is taking Tommy away. Tommy thinks everything is normal and they’re just popping out. You can show it’s not through the way mum acts. The reader will know something is going on when Tommy doesn’t.

febmum2b · 09/04/2019 18:53

Thank you everyone. I am trying to make excuses not to carry on but I know deep down that I should. ScreamingValenta it's set in the 80's to begin with.
Nuffaluff if that jarred you then you may wish to avert your eyes now. I began writing a similar story last year in the 3rd person and have shelved it because I believe other people may find my natural prose a little... elaborate. Would any of you mind reading and tell me which style you prefer? Thanks in advance - nobody in real life knows that I write.

On the northern edge of the three Counties, somewhere between Enville and Martley, stands a large, mellow bricked house. Its entrance marked by weathered stone posts and a pair of dark, worn gates. Hidden behind them, amongst an untamed tangle of ferns and moss covered walls, leads a narrow lane that sweeps gently up through a pocket of woodland pasture. At the end of this road, the trees disperse to reveal the Manor and coach house beside it. Originally built by the Countess of Lorne (known for her reclusive nature) the house is sheltered away from the rest of the village and exudes privacy and true discretion. Today, the house grows quieter still with splintered windows, boarded doors and a swoop of swifts in its rafters, but when this beat began the image portrayed was an entirely different story altogether.
The air in the orangery was balmy thick but the soft breeze that drew in from the garden carried with it the light and fragrant brume of summer. An old wooden fan hung low from the beams and whipped at the scent like butter, until all four corners of the little glass room were filled with the sweet smell of rose and honeysuckle and jasmine.

Blush
OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 09/04/2019 19:32

I definitely find the style in the first piece more readable. I think you have a few too many adverbs and adjectives in your third person piece - e.g. 'an entirely different story altogether' - you only need to say 'a different story altogether' or 'an entirely different story' to achieve the same effect. And with the air in the orangery, have it balmy or thick but not both.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh - I only spotted it because I do it all the time myself! I find myself culling loads of descriptive words when I edit.

Disclaimer - I only write for fun (fan fic mainly) so mine isn't a professional verdict.

febmum2b · 09/04/2019 19:38

Not harsh at all!! It’s what I need to hear. Thank you Smile this is what’s putting me off writing altogether because I just know my natural style is ‘too much’ and I’m wondering if the 1st person style is just basic and crud Confused

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 09/04/2019 19:43

No, your 1st person piece is not at all basic and crude. I think it works really well. I'd definitely read on.

If you're a naturally descriptive writer I think a good approach is to be as descriptive and flowery as you like in your first draft, but then when you come to your second draft, be ruthless - look at each sentence and ask which words really add to it and which you can do without.

Then, where you choose to leave description in because it is truly important, it will be much more powerful.

MumUndone · 09/04/2019 20:07

I like both styles, very readable.

BlackPrism · 09/04/2019 20:48

I didn't automatically hate it which means it's probably decent.

It gets a bit twee on occasion (two-bit scrap is quite American sounding. and I hate the word supper. 'Wriggle on' seemed to jar because the previous colloquialisms are quite upper middle class and this is rather earthier.

Feels nostalgic 60s but I was led through it with good tempo and rhythm and I enjoyed.

CatetheGreat · 09/04/2019 21:18

The first extract is much more accomplished. The second reads like an early draft - too many adjectives, and the language is imprecise with the odd punctuation error (eg sentence 2) and mixed tenses.

Swilly · 09/04/2019 21:24

Sorry I don’t have time at the moment to read the second piece, but I absolutely loved the first!

HotMint · 10/04/2019 14:51

Agree that the first extract is far more developed as a piece of writing -- the second, as well as simply being too flatly descriptive, slips into semi-estate agent cliché at times ('exudes privacy and true discretion').

Is the first extract from the beginning of the novel/story or whatever? If it is, I think we need something to situate the reader in time (is this 1950 or 2019?) and to tell us how old Tommy is. The fact that the child calls his mother the comparatively formal 'mother' and his father 'father' suggests the past, as does the rather prim 'Will father be joining us?', (but then, when you use direct speech, the child calls him 'father' but the mother refers to him as 'daddy'.)

I think you need to think about the psychic distance of your narrator from the action as well -- most of the time it seems as if we're in the adult Tommy's head, looking back on his child self not understanding what was going on. Is that always going to be the case? It will affect the vocabulary you use, either way...?

A few things that stood out as anomalous -- I think you can postpone the long parenthesis about Rabbit the dog till later. (How likely is it that in central London a neighbour casually brings around a puppy found on a shoot on the moors, though?) And if this is at breakfast time on a school morning, would adult Tommy really think his mother's normal activities would include 'preparing the supper before noon', which sounds much more leisurely, and suggests we're later in the morning?

phoolani · 16/04/2019 20:39

It’s certainly good enough to keep going - your dialogue needs more contractions and the ‘shall we go?’ from an 80s child really jarred - but if you’re starting back, don’t give a shit whether it’s good! Just keep writing until you feel less overwhelmed; giving yourself permission to be shit has been really freeing for me!

JBFletcherismyaunt · 26/04/2019 09:02

I like your writing style, OP. Why not, as someone suggested above, get the first draft finished and then you can take out any unnecessary words in the edit.

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