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Just spent a whole day writing a single paragraph, anyone want to read it for me?

25 replies

Greensleeves · 14/03/2019 16:44

I'm writing a novel about one of Walsingham's more colourful intelligencers, and I've just spent all day writing a paragraph; he's in the Tower, awaiting execution, and is musing about Elizabeth. If anyone fancies reading it and giving me feedback I'd be pathetically grateful!

Here 'tis...

The first remark men make of Elizabeth - and I have heard it from the lips of cottar and courtier, bottler and baron - is that she is “not beautiful”. Now, when a man declares that a woman is a hag, a scabbed mare, a lousy hedge-pig, then one may assume that she be at the least ill-favoured, being cursed with some deformity or other, her countenance squarely repulsive. When he lifts an eyebrow, curls his lip and pronounces “she is not beautiful”, however, what one must needs wonder is: what then is she? For Elizabeth is not a bent-backed, tallow-faced crow, even though old age begins to crumple her brow and breasts, and her liking for comfits has darkened what teeth she still retains. In her flush of youth, when she rode triumphant to her coronation with her mother’s delicate features and her father’s red-gold hair blazing down her back, slim as a reed and her eyes sparkling with joy, yet still the first words out of every man’s mouth were: “she is not beautiful”. It is not Elizabeth’s face that compels men to exclude her from that exalted class of “beautiful women”. It is not even her remoteness as Queen; for men have spent their lives in poetry, as court gallants will, straining to do justice to her holy perfection. No; it is something else, with Elizabeth. It is what lies within those beady black eyes, in the set of those angular shoulders and the straightness of her back. Elizabeth has a mind like a man-trap, the soul of a soldier and the arrogance of a priest. The steel in her spine and the fire in her belly is unwomanly; it is this that curdles the sap in a man’s loins, as surely as a weak chin and a vacillating stammer will cause a maiden’s knees to snap shut. Some men doubt that Elizabeth is truly a virgin, though nobody half-sane would say so above a whisper. For me, I doubt it not in the least. The woman is untouchable.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 14/03/2019 16:49

Well written. Makes me want to read on.

scissorlover · 14/03/2019 16:52

Love it!

Solasum · 14/03/2019 16:55

I had to look up ‘cottar’, which seems to be a Scottish word. Would Kentish Walsingham have known it?

It is a good read. Will the whole book be written in this way, though? It might prove a trifle wordy for easy reading

ScreamingValenta · 14/03/2019 16:55

I like it, I think your description of Elizabeth is compelling.

As a reader, I would prefer to see this broken up into two or three shorter paragraphs, and possibly have the opening line, ending 'not beautiful' as a standalone line, followed by the more detailed exploration of this theme.

Is the opening of your novel, or does it come part way through?

ScreamingValenta · 14/03/2019 16:55

Is this the opening ... ^

Nixee2231 · 14/03/2019 16:59

I really love your writing style. Even though the subject is not something I'd normally ever be interested in, I still really want to read the rest of this now!

Greensleeves · 14/03/2019 17:00

I think "cottar" is only current in Scotland and Ireland, but was common parlance in England in the early modern period. I will double check it though!

thanks for the advice about breaking it up a bit and having a standalone line, that's really useful and I will definitely do it.

The book is all in the first person and with a slightly early modern speaking style (though not indecipherable!) but most of it is narrative, light and quite funny - this paragraph is one of a series of more ponderous nuggets which occur in between the recounting of the protagonist's story, which he is relating from his cell in the Tower. So there will be changes of pace and intensity.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 14/03/2019 17:00

Sorry, no this isn't the opening paragraph...

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 14/03/2019 17:03

I just wondered, because the 'not beautiful' sentence would be a cracking first line for a novel set in Elizabethan times.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 14/03/2019 17:26

I'm hooked and would like to read on.
Agree with pp re: breaking it up, etc.

InternationalRelationist · 14/03/2019 19:12

This is the best piece of writing I've ever read on this board. It manages to be both punchy and descriptive and I just really love your style. Let me know it's published! Do you have a working title?

KittiesInsane · 14/03/2019 19:17

I love it too, and I’m picky!

The one phrase that jarred was ‘in her flush of youth’ - sounds like aiming for ‘first flush of youth’, deciding it was hackneyed and then just taking a word out.

Otherwise - more, please!

Greensleeves · 14/03/2019 20:30

Posting a bit more - hope that's OK (not sure of the etiquette on this board!)

Thanks for all the advice, which I will be taking Grin

It is in the nature of Creation that for every warp there is a weft; for every day a night must follow; for every golden beam of pure clean light there is a shadow where lurks filth. So it is with the creatures of God; He created the intricate wonder that is the honey bee, which unlocks the magic of flowers and generates sweet nourishment, and the Devil answered with the wasp, which serves no pleasant purpose but causes only pain. Likewise the little mouse, which does no harm; Beelzebub has countered its innocent charm with the hateful rat, bringer of foul pestilence. The frog, gentle prince of the lily pond; and in his shadow the toad, friend of wart-faced witches; for butterflies, the dusty fat-bodied moth that shuns the honest daylight.

Such a pair are Richard Topcliffe and myself; connected yet separate, equivalent creatures yet opposite in our very souls. “You and I have tramped the same strange road, Parry,” I hear him gloat; “but I am sure of foot, while you have slipped on a turd and fallen on your silk-clad arse.” He is, to my eternal disgust; not wrong; we are both self-made men, both risen from humble beginnings by our own endeavours; we have both been Elizabeth’s men. Not merely Burghley’s, or Walsingham’s, or Leicester’s, but Elizabeth’s, taking our counsel directly from her.

If I am made in God’s own image, however, I need no recourse to my classical education to identify Topcliffe’s maker; he reeks of Satan. Where I am peaceable, Topcliffe is as pugnacious as a starving sow. Where I am gifted with wit and eloquence, he has the lowest sort of cunning and a voice like a bull at the baiting; where I have never harmed any man, being above brute violence, Topcliffe has the blood of innocent women and babes ingrained in the skin of his thick fingers. I loathe the man as I would loathe a running sore in a tender place; and yet, by his being loathsome, he makes me the better man, even in this place where I am stripped of everything but my life, and that soon to follow. When he kicks at the mean pewter dish that holds my meagre meat, and bids me: “Savour your bed of straw this night, traitor!” and rage begins to boil up sour in my stomach, I hear the gentle voice of Father Crichton reminding me that Our Lord took his first earthly slumber on a bed of simple straw, and it soothes my soul. And then I remember that Father Crichton is a papist, and the enemy, and by him and his ilk am I brought to this bitter pass, and I weep for confusion.

OP posts:
Snog · 14/03/2019 21:00

Really like your writing, have you had anything published?

Gradiva · 14/03/2019 22:16

StarStarStarStarStar

NottonightJosepheen · 14/03/2019 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollowTalk · 14/03/2019 22:23

I really like it and agree it's the best I've seen posted here, but I'm just wondering whether someone who's sitting awaiting his own death would be doing anything but panicking.

Sorry, just re-read and you didn't say how close this is to his death - that would make a huge difference if it was a few days or weeks before.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/03/2019 22:24

I really like your writing.

I think your second excerpt is a wee bit less polished than your first and think you could do with looking at the rhythms. There are a lot of long sentences, with a sub clause; and then some more sub-clauses; and then a wee bit more (I'm exaggerating to illustrate the point of course).

If it's all (or a lot of it) going to be person in prison looking back, then rhythms are going to get repetitive very quickly, so keep mixing them up. Think about space on the page too.

It keep going, it's bloody good!

stopdropandroll · 14/03/2019 22:25

i liked your use of alliteration and the passages read really well!

Greensleeves · 14/03/2019 22:36

No I haven't had anything published, I'm moderately hopeful for the future though...you have to hope! Grin

I agree about the second excerpt needing more refinement, thanks for the advice about rhythms and breaking up some of the long sentences!

If nobody minds I'd like to post a bit more, just to show some of the writing which isn't intensely navel-gazing reflective stuff, as those bits are interludes in the narrative and I've posted two of them now...tell me to sod off if I'm being a solipsistic twat

Another excerpt:

“Parry, consurge! Orare, tempus praesens.”

I rose to my feet, fifty pairs of eyes on me.

“Oro, oras, orat, oramus, oratis, orant.”

The usher’s eyes narrowed, then flicked almost imperceptibly to the copy of Lily’s Latin Grammar lying closed on the desk before me. It was a source of frequent amusement to me that the usher, being of limited intellect, wrestled constantly with a suspicion that I, being but eleven and more advanced than any other boy in the company, must be a cheat. In truth, I had settled into the grammar school regime with ease, the academic demands being well within my abilities and the requirement to speak only in Latin creating a welcome distance between me and my fellow scholars which prevented the constant taunting I had endured in the petty school. Few among the boys could hope to construct a wounding insult in Latin, and fewer still were prepared to risk the scourging that would have followed such an utterance in English. The ushers patrolled the classroom with their rods in their hands and their ears primed to detect any lapses.

Ensconced once more in my seat, I watched with some small measure of pity as poor Peter Oliphant stumbled and blinked his way through his conjugation of the verb “esse” and got his knuckles smartly rapped for his pains. As he sank in relief into his seat, a shameful tear forming in his bleary blue eye, I felt a jab in my ribs and, waiting for the usher’s back to be turned as he wrote out the offending verb on the blackboard, turned to see a freckled face with an irreverent grin, and heard the whispered words:

“Lily the Latinist died of the plague, and good riddance!”

In my surprise, I let forth a snort of laughter, which I quickly disguised as a cough. The owner of the impish grin was Christopher Tye, the son of a prosperous Chester bookseller, whose talent for the Latin tongue was only marginally inferior to my own and whose sophistication in colloquial conversation had more than once caught my attention; he was one of only a handful of boys I did not consider an irredeemable dullard. If I were to have a friend - and I was not vehemently opposed to the idea, though neither had I ever regretted the lack - I could do worse.

I walked part of the way home that day with Christopher Tye, exchanging some small witticisms about the ushers and the more ill-favoured among our fellows, agreeing that poor Oliphant would be better apprenticed to some low trade - tanning, perhaps, if he could bear the stink - rather than hindering the progress of his betters in the grammar school. I found Tye more than tolerable company, and my spirit was light as we parted at the city wall, he turning into the half-timbered Rows where lay his father’s townhouse, and I continuing to the edge of town and the modest house of tawny brick that had been my home for just over a year.

My enduring impressions of those first years in Master Fisher’s household are of warmth and comfort; I was, in a sense, an only child in that house, which was no small relief to me after the noisy disorder, the piling of children like puppies in sleeping-corners and the scarcity of blankets that had been my lot in the Northop alehouse of my birth. As Master Fisher’s apprentice I slept not on the rushes of the floor but on a good flock mattress mounted on a truckle; I wore a good canvas tunic and woollen hose, and even possessed a fine lawn shirt, outgrown by Master Fisher’s son who had followed his father’s path to Gray’s Inn and now practised at the Court of Requests, for Sundays and those days on which I accompanied my master on his legal business.

I arrived home shortly after four of the afternoon, when the weak January sunshine was giving way to an evening glow that bathed the bricks of Master Fisher’s house in a thready pale gold. Leaving my Lily’s grammar and the bag that held my quills and paper on the broad white-painted windowsill by the front door, I greeted Mistress Fisher with a filial smile and was rewarded with a hunk of fresh bread, still warm from the oven, and a cup of sweet new milk. I took my place at table to enjoy the repast, glancing as I sat down at the papers spread out before Mr Healey, Master Fisher’s clerk, my immediate superior and mentor and the occupant of the bed under which my little truckle was pushed each morning. Healey was a mild-mannered, godly fellow with a gentle, open face, much given to Biblical quotation, diligent in his work and sober in his habits, generous in spirit but, sadly, limited in his intellect. He looked up as I sat down, setting down his quill.

“God’s good day to you, lad. I trust you have worked hard and learned much? And given holy reverence to your teachers?”

I smiled my agreement, dipping my head in the suggestion of a bow; I felt no more true deference towards Mr Healey than the ushers who drilled me in Latin, I being a creature of far greater potential and imagination than any one of them; but it served me better to keep my feelings to myself; pride, in Mr Healey’s oft-repeated words, going before a fall.

“May I be of assistance, sir?” I inquired, swallowing the last of my bread and nodding towards the spread of documents on the table. It was our daily habit to work together at the table after my return from school, Mistress Fisher busying herself in the kitchen or at her needlework in the rocking chair by the hearth. Mr Healey passed me a quill and the inkpot, and I felt again a pang of pleasure at the quality of the iron-gall ink with which I was now provided, remembering with a grimace the mess made of ashes of wool and water, and the smudges it left on Skeffington’s baleful face.

“Your best secretary hand, young Parry; slow and steady, for diligent hands will rule!” intoned Healey in an attempt at humour, handing me a page of scribbled addresses and a stack of fine vellum envelopes to copy them onto. I had barely begun my laborious scribing of names in my finest script when the door was flung open and Master Fisher flew in, his scholar’s gown flapping and a kind of wild triumph rendering his usually serene features unfamiliar.

“The heretic Marsh is come to Chester! They have placed him in the Northgate, pending trial at the Cathedral. Bishop Cotes himself is to examine the traitorous dog!”

Mistress Fisher’s soft brown eyes widened in something like fear.

“Mercy, John! Will he burn? Surely not? Such a thing could not happen here?”

Master Fisher shrugged off his gown and placed an arm around his wife’s shoulders.

“Dear wife, your Christian compassion does you credit. But George Marsh is a heretic, a rabble-rousing preacher of foul Protestant filth. Who knows how many ruined souls lie upon his conscience? If he is found guilty, and the good Bishop will not shirk his duty, it is the fire for him. Unless he recants; if he does not, we will be there to see him sent to Hell in his stubbornness!”

Mistress Fisher recoiled, a frown creasing her smooth white brow.

“You would not have young William witness such a spectacle, husband? Such cruelty, such brute horror...it is not for the eyes of a child!”

Master Fisher turned and gave me an appraising stare. I met his gaze directly, squaring my shoulders and lifting my chin; I was no child, but a lawyer’s apprentice and a scholar of distinction. In the corner of my vision, Mr Healey crossed himself and bowed his balding head.

“Young Parry is no infant, my dear, but a young man. If the heretic Marsh should choose to bring down the force of Queen’s justice upon his miserable head, it is right that decent men should bear witness. The boy will be there; it will be part of his education.”

It is curious to note that, until the name of George Marsh entered the Fisher household, I had not fully realised that my Master was not only of the Old Religion, but so fervently devoted a Catholic that even his natural kindness of nature did not temper his zeal for the punishment of heresy. I myself had no strong allegiance; I had grown up the grandson of a village churchman whose moderate Protestantism was the product both of Edward VI’s new orthodoxy and of Flintshire’s considerable distance from London, the church at Northop having put away censors, rich vestments and gold trappings but retained its ancient stone altar and its single stained glass window. No doubt upon the accession of Queen Mary, the year I left for Chester, the censors and other accoutrements had been retrieved from storage and pressed back into service with little practical impact on worship. It became apparent to me, however, sitting at Master Fisher’s table as he railed against the reformist filth that threatened to choke the very souls of innocent Englishmen, that I was, at least for the time being, a good Catholic. I lowered my eyes and crossed myself before taking up my quill and returning to my work.

OP posts:
Mammajay · 16/03/2019 21:38

You certainly have a great deal of skill. Very impressive.

ATailofTwoKitties · 16/03/2019 21:43

OK, I like that too (it feels very 'finished' and part of a whole) but I have a few quibbles -- fewer adjectives would be better, and slightly less of the detailed explanation such as 'and the occupant of the bed under which my little truckle was pushed each morning'.

Oh, and in the previous extract, 'gentle prince of the lilypond' jolted me out of the period to wonder whether they yet had frog-to-prince stories and if not, what he meant by that.

Minor quibbles only. I want to read the whole book once it's been slightly edited can I edit it please?

PreseaCombatir · 16/03/2019 22:06

I really enjoyed reading these, you are very talented!

Keener · 24/03/2019 15:10

The first one is effective and good, but elements of the second and third extracts in contrast are rather overwritten. The set of comparisons between the narrator and Richard Topcliffe (your first paragraph in your second extract) is just too elaborate -- it makes sense in dramatic terms to expend a lot of descriptive energy on Elizabeth, but I think you're overgilding the lily by applying such an elaborate and lengthy set of parallels to your narrator's enemy. Unless (and even if) the intention is to characterise your narrator as someone who goes on a bit (is his characterisation of himself as being 'gifted with wit and eloquence' intended to be serious or ironic? It sounds a bit self-congratulatory...), it risks boring your reader, I think.

The part where your second extract kicks into real life for me is the 'running sore' image and when RT speaks and we're plunged into how, ironically, his presence makes the narrator hold on to his dignity even under a death sentence in the Tower, and the slip into the religious backstory works well.

The third extract generally works well, though I think you could break up your extremely long sentences. Also, there are moments that read as over-formal and pompous in something of the same way of the 'gentle prince of the lily ponds' bit in extract 2 -- the 'filial smile' and the enjoying of he repast were two that struck me.

I think I had more historical contextual questions about the third extract -- how likely was it for a lawyer's apprentice to be attending the grammar school? The school day was so long that quite apart from preparing lessons for the next day, I would have said that a grammar school boy would have no time at all to work for his master. And the apprentice and clerk sitting at the kitchen table rather than elsewhere in the house struck me as unlikely. Also, is it really likely that your intelligent, tuned-in character would have spent a year in this household without realising his master's religious allegiances?

It's a great subject, though, and I enjoyed these. I just think that if you're spending all day on a paragraph, you may be getting overly-fixated on style, which makes the language come out looking over-elaborate. And maybe you need to think about psychic distance I think Emma Darwin is useful on this

emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/psychic-distance-what-it-is-and-how-to-use-it.html

Being inside an adult man's head when he's looking back (decades?) into his own childhood has its own challenges about how to negotiate between adult voice and child POV...?

IrenetheQuaint · 24/03/2019 15:23

You write very well and I really enjoyed reading these pieces, but the style feels rather reminiscent of 19th century historical novels. Would a modern readership enjoy a whole book written like this? (Genuine question!)

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