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What are your thoughts on the beginning of my short story?

17 replies

SurfScoter · 16/02/2019 19:26

I know it still needs a lot of work. It's titled "Snart Decisions", which is also a play on words because of smart-phones.
Prologue, 2016
The man sits alone at a picnic table in a park. He is surrounded by trees on one side of his picnic table and ducks on the other, but he has no awareness of this, or anything at all for that matter. He is completely zoned out, for no particular reason. It is probably just a reaction to all the stress he has had to deal with in the past year. He was supposed to be somewhere else, but drove to the park just to have some peace. He was supposed to be...
Supposed to be...
Suddenly his iPhone rings. The ringtone itself is nice: it's the Nokia ringtone he fell in love with and which his son downloaded for him. It's the vibration that jolts him.
"What's up?" he says in an exhausted voice.
"Charles!" It's Helen. The angry bitch he married, it seems of late, he thinks scornfully.
"What did I do this time?"
"I'll tell you what you did! You were supposed to collect Cameron from art club a half hour ago! He tried to call you, but you wouldn't pick up!"
Charles groans.
"I've got him, don't worry about that," Helen replies in an annoyed tone. "But how could you do this to your own son?"
Charles doesn't know what to say or how to answer. "We're all humans and make mistakes," he mumbles.
"I made salami sandwiches for myself and the kids," Helen informs him. "There may be some ham left for when you get home." Charles doesn't like salami, Helen knows it, and he knows that she knows it.
"See you," Charles says weakly, then, when he's off the phone, he yells, "SHIT!" Nobody can hear him; if they did, who, in this messed-up world, would even give a damn? Probably a mother with a three-year-old yelling not to swear in front of her child, or an elderly lady screeching at him that the devil is in him, or something.
Charles thinks of Helen. They used to get on very well, they did, for 15 years. Long enough to have a 13-year-old son, Cameron, and 11-year-old identical twin girls, Ruth and Anna. Even last year, Helen would have reacted more calmly; she would have tried to reassure him that forgetting to pick up Cameron was no big deal. She would not have fed the kids salami; she would have made something, anything, that the whole family could eat. Charles knows that it is his fault, it's all his fault.
As he gets up to go back into his beat-up Mustang, Charles takes his phone, goes to the duck pond, and does something he has never thought he would ever do before in his life: he gently throws the phone, which lands into the water with a great splash.
One Year Ago to the Day...
"Sir? Sir!"
The man working at the small sandwich shop is growing impatient. He is tired, and his next customer has obviously put on too much Nautica cologne, much to his annoyance. He could try to overlook the cologne, but the man, by the name of Charles Culvert, is not answering him. This is not because he is a jerk, but because he is glued to his iPhone screen and seems fascinated by whatever is on it. Rolf, the sandwich man, is not sure what to do. As he debates his options, the girl standing behind Charles taps him on the shoulder. She is about 20, while Charles is about 50.
Charles finally looks up. "Oh, I'm so sorry," he says, then proceeds to order a turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich, jalapenos, and mustard. He has every intention of going back to playing around with his new iPhone, which he only received the day before. Ordinarily, he would have been one to just stick to a flip phone, even a pager, but his son Cameron, then 12, had convinced him that this was the only way possible he could keep in contact with his family. He is trying to figure out how to add people into the contacts app.
Somehow, Charles notices the girl behind him. It must be that young actress look, the blonde hair, the blue eyes, that makes him look away from his new device. And the way she is ordering...
"I'll have a pulled pork and salami sandwich on tomato bread," she says. "I'll have a slice of cheddar and half a slice of pepper jack. I want three-quarters of it to have olive oil, and one quarter to be vinegar and mustard. Please put more vinegar on than mustard."
Charles is amazed. He is even more amazed when she turns to him.
"Hi, I'm Charles," he says a bit nervously.
"I'm Caroline!" Her voice is sweet and confident. "Do you need help with your iPhone? I am addicted to mine!"
"Yes, please," he says. "I hate the damn thing!"
Caroline helps Charles put his friend Mason's information into the phone.
"Do you know how contact cards work?" she asks.
"No." He is uncertain but fascinated, and she knows it.
"OK. I'm going to send you my contact card," she says determinedly, putting on an enthusiastic smile.
Charles receives a text from a phone number not in his contacts, which says "Caroline Pierce, contact card."
"What the hell am I supposed to do?" Normally Charles wouldn't use this language with someone young enough to be his daughter, but he senses Caroline doesn't care. And he's right: she doesn't. She only laughs.
"Click on the contact card, go to more info, and hit create new contact. Everything's all filled out for you. Then hit DONE!"
Charles does so. Now he has 21 contacts, as opposed to 20.
And if it were not for that phone, he would never, ever have had to see Caroline Pierce again.

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SurfScoter · 16/02/2019 19:27

Sorry, title is "Smart Decisions"

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bellinisurge · 16/02/2019 19:35

I think I would cut down and merge the first few sentences.

SurfScoter · 16/02/2019 20:00

Thanks. Yes I can see that some of the beginning is a bit redundant.

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BrizzleMint · 16/02/2019 20:01

You aren't leaving enough to the reader's imagination in my opinion.

SurfScoter · 16/02/2019 20:07

Thanks, @BrizzleMint, you're right. I was going to continue on with them having just an emotional affair (so nothing sexual) and for Helen to see messages between the 2, and leave the reader questioning whether her anger at him is justified.

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Stickmanslittleleaf · 16/02/2019 20:23

I don't like the first bit, I thought you were explaining the story you were going to write rather than this being the story. I warmed to it a lot once you called him Charles, maybe name him from the beginning?
I like the woman, I feel like I know her and can picture her fantastically without you going into much detail about her. Just from her sandwich order and her tapping Charles' shoulder I know her character, I don't think she's a cliche though. I do feel like there should be a clue for her to realise he's new to it and needs help, otherwise why would she ask?
I like it, I want to read it all!

SurfScoter · 16/02/2019 21:19

Thanks. I thought not naming him right away would add more of a mysterious element, but maybe the story will be more clear if I name him right away. Glad you like Caroline.

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Parthenope · 20/02/2019 22:09

The second section is the more problematic, for me. You move POV without any particular rationale -- you start off in the Rolf the sandwich maker's head, for no obvious reason (and it sounds as if you're suggesting he knows Charles's name when he presumably doesn't?), then without warning switch into Charles's.

Why does Charles suddenly introduce himself to a woman standing in a sandwich shop queue, and why does she respond in such a friendly manner? (I suppose it matters here whether we're in some tiny rural Mom and Pop shop, or in Manhattan...?)

Would an averagely competent fifty year old man find it so difficult to add contacts to his new phone that a total stranger offers to help? Also especially if she's very pretty, and much younger wouldn't she be perfectly likely to think it's a clumsy attempt at a pick-up, and Charles feel patronised by her assumption he's some clueless OAP who can't use a phone?

almightygirl · 20/02/2019 22:21

It’s a bit muddled and confused. The two sections need to have a better transition and there needs to be a much clearer link between the two parts of the story. It wasn’t until I saw your update that I realised what you were trying to do. Sorry.

I do like the premise and the idea - it’s a good first draft.

SurfScoter · 21/02/2019 07:44

Thank you so much for the new replies. I definitely have a lot of work to do!
I modelled Charles's technology struggles and refusal to originally get an iPhone off one of my uncles, who loves old flip phones. That being said, in thinking about it, if he were forced to get an iPhone I know that he'd eventually figure out how to enter in contacts. I'm much closer to Caroline's age than Charles's, and certainly don't want to portray him as a clueless OAP, just perhaps a bit of a luddite. I suppose I just wanted Caroline to be very naive, but I hadn't really thought it all through. And I probably don't even need to include Rolf the sandwich man's name.

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Dohee · 21/02/2019 07:55

Just 2 observations.

You state that the wife is the 'bitch' he had married. I assumed reading further that she was an ex wife, so it didn't make sense.

You mention iPhone a lot. And the woman asking him whether she could help him with it. That would never happen. Maybe if he said something like 'I'm trying to get used to this damned phone', she may offer to help because she has one the same?

Question.

Where are you going with this character? What or who is he, because you haven't really established that yet.

Apologies for the criticism, it's brilliant writing!

SurfScoter · 21/02/2019 08:18

@dohee
Thank you so much for your comments, and I'm glad you liked it in general.
I don't actually think of the wife, Helen, as someone who is a bitch with her behaviour. I was trying to show the reader that in Charles's mind, though, she is a bitch, but only in his mind.
I didn't really give much thought to Charles's personality, with it just being a short story. The only details about him that I know of for sure are that he has been married for 15 years, has a son and two daughters and often loses himself in what he is doing. I suppose that Caroline asking Charles if he needed help was just a whirlwind attempt at a short affair for a short story.
Here's a general synopsis of the rest of the story (I didn't post the second half on here because I know it needs even more work!) After the incident at the sandwich shop, Charles goes home, and because the rest of his family are away for the weekend he is bored and decides to message Caroline. It's just really casual chat, until one night several weeks later she texts him informing him she is suicidal, so he tries to message her to help her, at which point the wife, Helen, is suspicious that he is on his phone so late at night. Then a couple of weeks later, Helen has to borrow Charles's phone and sees the messages (because he's a bit of a dreamer and didn't think to cover them), after which she imagines the worst and believes they were actually having a sexual affair. I'm trying to connect this all to the prologue, to explain why Helen is so cold with him a year after the incidents take place.
Hope this makes some sense!

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AfterSchoolWorry · 21/02/2019 08:29

Same as other posters said I don't love the first bit.

But after that I got engrossed in the story and wanted to read on. So I liked it! Smile

almightygirl · 21/02/2019 08:48

I didn't really give much thought to Charles's personality, with it just being a short story.

The thing with a short story is the reader still needs to know the characters and be able to see what kind of person they are. Given that is is written from Charles’ POV, we need to know more about him.

Helen and Caroline are well written characters - they seem real and I can build a picture of them in my mind. Charles is just a bit flat.

Based on your synopsis, I think there needs to be a bit more of a twist to the story as well, something unexpected so it’s not predictable. Try to turn the reader’s expectations around so it’s not as straightforward as it first appears.

Sorry!

Parthenope · 21/02/2019 09:11

Do you want the reader to like Charles? Because you're not stacking the odds in his favour in the first part of the story, by having him think 'scornfully' that his understandably annoyed wife is an 'angry bitch', make the world's most clichéd non-excuse for forgetting to pick up his son, and then whine mentally about how his wife hasn't offered him a sandwich filling he likes.

He does also come across in both parts of the story as deeply incompetent and befuddled, unable to remember to pick up his son or to work his new phone -- did you intend this?

On reading your plot summary, I think it would help to set up the situation, and leave something for the reader to discover, if it's clear from the phone conversation with Helen that she thinks he had an affair a year before -- she could ask him if he's forgotten to pick up their son because he's out with his floozy etc etc, and Charles could respond in some way that suggests guilt or unresolved emotion, so the reader thinks he did have an affair, and approaches the whole meet-cute with Caroline as though this is what is going to happen, only to find things going off-piste. (Does Caroline actually kill herself? Do she and Charles ever meet in the flesh again?)

SurfScoter · 21/02/2019 14:40

I don't think I was intending my reader to like Charles. But maybe I need something likeable about him so that readers can have at least some sympathy for him. I can see Helen's point of view in this much more, but it's not her story, it's his.

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SurfScoter · 21/02/2019 15:58

Sorry, I missed the last two questions. Caroline, as of right now, does not kill herself, and they have only met in the flesh that one time at the sandwich shop... the rest of it is all messages.

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