Guys would you please have a read?

[grtduff10]

If you would ever so kindly please have a quick read, that would be much appreciated.

Does it make you want to carry on reading?

As I sat there on the itching fabric that was rubbing against my tight's; feeling the bumps as we raced on the tracks, I stared out of the tainted window and thought to my self rather flippantly. “This tunnel represents my life, I’m just going through a long dark gloomy patch. It will end soon”.

I scoffed loudly at the thought of me trying to reassure my self, I sat there and waited but oddly the tunnel just wouldn’t end. I kept waiting and waiting to get out of this tunnel; but it carried on, my heart began to race, I felt my body begin to boil up, my chest was becoming tight and I could feel the air in my throat getting trapped, I couldn’t breathe.

Out of nowhere I blurted out “Its never going to end is it The thought kept running through my head, I'm just going through my life just like this tunnel just existing, just waiting, and waiting. My heart was racing even faster and I felt as if the cabin was getting smaller and smaller. I kept staring out of the window fixated on the tiny spec of dried food that looked as though it had been there for years. I can’t go through my life like that. What am I meant to do? I need her out of my life.

With that thought suddenly the train exited the tunnel and the bright beaming sunlight bounced off the window and made me shield my eyes. My heart began to slow, my eye's quickly left the dried bit of food on the window. I felt a rush of cool air around me. Looking around everyone was blurry but then after a few seconds, my eyes adapted.

No one had noticed my slight panic attack. While I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Everyone else was going about their daily lives. They all looked contempt, reading their papers. Sipping their coffee, I thought why isn’t my life like that. Just simple.

After I composed my self I looked out of the window at the bright blue sky and saw birds sweeping and swaying. Looking at the bird's swaying so freely it made me feel..well simple. I felt so peaceful and at that, I knew what I needed to do.

Please

If somebody will??

I like it, OP, and it sounds like the start of a story I might read, but you have quite a few apostrophes that you don’t need and spelling mistakes too.
It would benefit from a spelling and grammar check but I would like to know what happens next

Thanks so much, ino I'm not the best with grammar and spelling. It always let me down in school, haha going to have to get that done properly

Also I've fisnhed the book just waiting on getting some money together for the checks and then it will soon be published. Spent nearly two years on it, and finally near the end! Thank god

tight's
eye's
tainted (tinted?) windows

I couldn't help it, these things distracted me. I also wasn't really interested in the subject matter, so I'm probably not your target audience.

Hard to make sense of this without the context of the wider plot. Some odd choices of word - I've never seen a bird away, for example.

*sway, sorry!

I got a bit confused by the tenses.

The main character reminded me of someone who would write attention seeking statuses on Facebook and so I didn’t warm to them immediately...

I think your word choices need work, as does your spelling, grammar and punctuation. Consider using some DASH paragraphs.

Description, Action, Speech, How the character feels. Then, if appropriate, a rhetorical question.

For example:

The world outside plunged into blackness, as if the Earth's gaping maw had swallowed the train whole, taking me along with it. I nervously picked at the irritating fabric that clung, itchy, to my thighs.
"It's OK," I muttered to myself, feeling my throat constrict, forcing myself to continue breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.
The world is going to end. I'll never make it out of here. We're all going to die!
My heart tried to escape my chest as I felt panic wrap me in its icy grip. Clammy hands rose to my throat, trying to clear the blockage there. I was dead, drowning, choking, helpless.
Then, a flash of light as we hurtled once more into the brightness of day. The rest of the carriage seemed entirely unperturbed by what had just happened. Only I felt as if I had just cheated death, panting and gulping as my heart rate slowly returned to normal.

Must I be doomed to suffer like this forever?

HTH

I think it needs a lot of work - some of the phrasing and word choices are very clunky, like ‘I scoffed loudly at the thought of me trying to reassure my self’

I’m not sure I could get through a whole book in this style.

No sorry. The grammar and spelling mistakes are distracting, and sometimes the word is just plain wrong (contempt instead of content for example, and birds swaying?).

The character seems whiny. I can’t tell if they’re panicking because they think the tunnel will never end or because of some life issue. In the midst of a panic attack the character is also seeing the train as a metaphor for their life, which reads a bit oddly.

Absolutely love MemoryOfSleep's version.

Shorter, snappier sentences. Single words. I could feel the panic and suspense.

Less adverbs and adjectives. If overused, these can be distracting.

Excellent and subtle use of metaphors.

I would suggest working on some tasks like 'write a paragraph about a person's reaction to seeing a dead body', write a paragraph about someone about to make an awkward phonecall'.

I'd also recommend spelling and grammar tasks. There are some great ones online for free if you do a quick Google search.

I'm really sorry but I didn't get further than tight's. Grammar is important to me.

I've read it a few times, and only on the third reading noticed the line ' I need her out of my life'. Surely this is an important line and needs more emphasis. Your choice of words needs work. ' Itching fabric' should be itchy. Birds do not sway. Good luck and all the best.

Sorry. I really didn't enjoy it and wouldn't have read past the first paragraph if I had picked this up as a book. I would just echo the above comments and suggestions.

I'd agree with the comments above. Sorry.

Things like the apostrophes: Simple rule:
Use: Possessive (the horse's hooves; three girls' bags)
Contractions: (can't; wouldn't)

Don't use: plurals- (there were three apple's)

Exception: Its/it's
"It's" is always meaning IT IS. (contraction)
For its possessive you don't use the apostrophe.
So "It's cold in here" and "the cat groomed its fur".

Myself is also one word.

Maybe I've been doing too many critiques recently, but if I just went through the first paragraph:

"As I sat there (don't need) on the itching (itchy) fabric that was rubbing against my tight's (no apostrophe); feeling the bumps as we raced on the tracks (I'd take this out. You've got a very long sentence that comes across as a bit of waffle by this point), I stared out of the tainted (do you mean that? I suspect you did a thesaurus search for dirty perhaps, use "dirty") window and thought to my(no space here) self rather flippantly (let the reader decide that, but I'm not sure it is a flippant thought anyway). “This tunnel represents my life, I’m just going through a long dark gloomy (too long, take one of the words out, probable long) patch. It will end soon”.

She also thinks in the same way as you're writing. Which is because they're both you writing! But you can have her personality as waffly and over dramatic, but not if the author's voice is like that too. It then reads, as someone else said upthread, like a Facebook status and makes it difficult to read.

I quite like the second paragraph, but there are several bits after that that really jar. One that
"Out of nowhere I blurted out..."(you also missed off the end of the speech marks btw) was this out loud? Is the character with someone? Is there any reaction around?

"staring out of the window fixated on the tiny spec of dried food" says to me how? Dried food outside the window? Is it stuck to the window? You're not really staring out then are you?

"slight panic attack" really don't like that. You either had a panic attack or didn't. Again it reads like someone being over dramatic.

"birds sweeping and swaying" again this reads like you've picked two words from a thesaurus. Neither really describes birds well. They can be swaying on a telegraph pole perhaps, I think sweeping, you probably mean swooping.

Don't over use adjectives "bright beaming", "bright" will do. Leave double adjectives for her words only. It's easy when you are writing to have a picture and want the reader to imagine the exact same picture, so over describe things. I've been picked up for that too. But actually you don't need so many details.
Show what the reader needs to know. Don't tell them the window is dirty, show her rubbing her sleeve to make a clean patch to look through. You don't actually need to describe the sunlight at all, just mention that she shields her eyes. Things like that build up a better picture for the reader.

Too many adjectives and adverbs. You need to be more succinct. You're trying to draw the reader into your thoughts and experience but they end up being completely distracted with your wordplay and over use of descriptors. Less is more! Punctuation is also crucial.

Honestly. It's a bit amateurish. Prose quality is generally poor (as is spelling, grammar and punctuation) and I would not want to read on, sorry. I do wish you the best of luck with getting it published though.

I'm very sorry, as you've obviously put a lot of time and effort into this, but I have to agree with the comments above. Prove us wrong!

Thank you all so much for your feedback! I love writing and have written a few books. My grammar and spelling is terrible, always has been and always lets me down. Everyone always says they get distracted because of this. Think I need to go on a course haha. Thanks for all the feedback will take it on board.

Can I just ask how you all feel about this, rip me shreds if you have too. Just wondering how it comes across?

“Ay what a cracking day to have your first little girl, the queens jubilee ay, the party is going to be brilliant” laughed Jerry as he slugged down his pint of larger. “I, Jerry” a wide eyed Pete replied, staring at his untouched pint.

The four men surrounding the round wooden table, all glanced at each other. Lowering their drinks to the already alcohol smothered table. Jerry questioned Pete “ay son, ye don’t look too thrilled you now. A would of thought with after trying for over ten years, and having seven lads yed be thrilled to av your own little lass”.

What dialect are you trying to portray there?

And you're being very inconsistent with your spelling of 'aye'. You use 'I' in one instance and 'ay' on others.

Your description is too long and you use too many unnecessary words.

What feedback have you received from the readers of your previously published books?

When I have had the grammar, spelling and punctuation checked. I've had great feedback, I've made quite a bit of one or two books. I know my spelling and such lets me down massively. I have someone who goes over all of that, she is herself amazed how bad my spelling and grammar is haha.

But somehow my books manage to sell, I'm no millionaire, nor am I am rolling init. But they get me by, once they are all fixed it comes together great.

Just that second one is one I have been working on, and the first one is just a few paragraphs from my completed book. (Well as I have said I just need the money to get my lady to check it all over then it's properly complete).

In your second extract, you need to work on your dialogue and dialogue tags, OP. You can't just transcribe verbatim and phonetically what you think a real person would say, and trying to write out dialect phonetically comes across as patronising, as well as difficult for the reader to follow. The use of 'lads' and 'lass' I think does enough to register that these people are not speaking RP.

Which jubilee? If this is 2002, it would be contextually completely off for Pete to have had seven sons on a quest for a daughter -- or indeed to have eight children of any sex would be very unusual, especially if, as your use of dialect suggests, these are not wealthy people. Jerry and co are more likely to be teasing Pete about taking up a hobby or getting the snip if it's 2002/12, and if it's Victorian, they're probably more likely to be condoling about another mouth to feed or relief that his wife has survived her eighth childbirth..?

Why not register the fact that it's the jubilee via a reference to a street party or a banner or something, or Jerry asking if Pete is going to call his daughter Victoria/Elizabeth or something? It sounds rather stagey if characters sit about on the jubilee saying 'It's the Queen's jubilee today!'

Mostly, though, you need to decide which character's head you're in. If we're in disappointed Pete's head, he won't be registering that he's 'wide-eyed' because he's not looking at his own face from the outside.