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a new beginning - feedback please : )

18 replies

teddyandmo · 18/10/2018 12:00

hello all : ) for anyone that read any of my previous thread (re Dali Bird) I have gone for a completely different start as I took on advice and he isn't the main character. Would really appreciate any feedback fir the last time before I get stuck in / chuck it all in the bin : )

There had been a peculiar change in the weather that evening. A subtle frost and a clear sky which for the first quart of March seemed nothing out of the ordinary. Yet in the short time it took for me to cross the lawn, a thick cover of fog descended over the pool that lay smooth and still at the bottom of our garden. The far side of water had been obscured entirely leaving only my memory to determine the fields beyond it. I had looked upon that scene countless times from the seat of my bedroom window but being there in that moment felt foreign, magnified, distorted somehow.
I had waited past one until my father was sleeping before going downstairs and throwing his old waxed jacket over my nightdress, slipping the little brown bottle into the waist pocket. The collar smelt of him and I took a moment to appreciate the unexpected sense of comfort that followed. On reaching for the latch I caught my reflection in the glass. The resemblance to my mother was undeniable, even more so given the slightly dishevelled look I had become accustomed to. Wild, untamed hair and lost look of sadness in the eyes - a sharp pang of guilt for remembering her that way. There had been fond memories too but the sour notes clouded the sweet and it was tricky to get past that since she had gone. I looked at my feet to feign distraction and opened the door to the pinch of winter, night air numbing my exposed features and limbs. Hard crumbed earth nestled unevenly between my toes as I made my way down to the water and away from the sanctuary of the house. It had not occurred to me that putting on shoes or perhaps boots may have been more appropriate, but I didn’t enter this world with warm dry toes so why would departing it be any different?
The plan had been to finish mother’s acid orange pills and snuff out what was left of my idle little life. The past few months had been rotten and ugly, my death could be beautiful at the very least. I had pictured something worthy of a Millais painting, submerging my body to the inky depths and drifting to the surface amongst the water sprite and lily pads. Fingers gently cupping a rose in each hand, grown from a seed by my father as was I. It would be a romantic, poetic and tragic end, a little more enchanting than reality that is. The thought of being found that way seemed somewhat more determined than simply slumped on a bed where I could be mistaken for sleeping. I pictured Lilla at my door with her sanctimonious tongue. “Hibernating for winter Cissie? Your mother’s legacy lives on” before sauntering off down the hall, “I think your daughter may be having another episode Dali. She’s been in bed an entire week and there’s a god awful stench coming from her room”. I would be there until spring no doubt. The assumption of slumber would not be made in the water of course, of that I was certain. With any luck Lilla would be the one to find me and the ghostly image of my puckered skin would be etched on her mind for eternity.
I pulled the brown container from the pocket and pushed down the lid with a twist letting the neon pool flow gently into my palm. ‘Tangerine dreams’ as mummy had called them. I slipped back into another memory of her, the first time I realised she required a panacea. I had been sitting alone at her dressing table admiring the collection of perfumes that adorned it when she suddenly appeared at the door and began flitting between there and the adjoining bathroom. Pulling out drawers, rifling through cabinets and frantically searching bedside tables before finding the bottle buried deep amongst fathers briefs. The look of panic on her face melted away into a sound balance of joy and relief. I remember wondering how on earth she could forget putting something in fathers sock draw, and what a curious place to put an item so clearly precious in the first place. I went unnoticed as she snapped off the lid and took an ample swig from the bottle. It took a tiny pill to fall on the floor before I noticed that what she was drinking wasn’t actually a liquid at all. “What are those mummy?” I asked. She lowered the bottle from her mouth and covered it swiftly with her palm, looking just like a child that had been caught looting sweets. “They…umm,” then gaining composure, “my tangerine dreams darling. Mummies magic medicine. We mustn’t tell daddy because I don’t want him worrying. So it’s our little secret. Okay?” She walked over to where I was sitting and took the perfume from my lap, spritzing a fine mist above our heads. Taking me in her arms we twirled round and around, faster and faster in the delicate scent of amber and bergamot. She sang softly;

‘Measuring a summer's day, I only finds it slips away to grey
The hours, they bring me pain.
Tangerine, Tangerine, living reflection from a dream’

We fell in a dizzy heap on top of her bed, cocooned by pretty pink pillows and quilted shams. “Marshmallow Mountains and cotton candy clouds, never grow old my sweet Cissie Bird”. Before I could speak she had drifted off, cutting me short of my promise. I watched til her smile slipped slowly away before putting the bottle back in its hiding place.

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 18/10/2018 18:11

Very good. I want to find out what happens next. I don't understand how the first paragraph feeds into the second though. When does she return to the house? Are they the same day or different?

teddyandmo · 19/10/2018 18:39

Thank you for this feedback. When you say second paragraph do you mean from ‘The plan had been...’ ?

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 19/10/2018 21:44

No, from 'I had waited past one.'

teddyandmo · 19/10/2018 22:11

Oh I See. Well really that was her tracing back steps as to how she got down to the lake. That’s obviously not as clear as I had intended and I’m not quite sure how to best get that across. Would it be better if I started the paragraph ‘So how did I get here?’ Thank you for your advice : )

OP posts:
MumblesintheAttic · 20/10/2018 13:12

I think you have a lovely writing style, and I enjoyed reading this - very intriguing. I didn’t have any problem with the ‘I had waited past one...’ - it flows well for me, although this might be because I write like this a lot too!

Two things that leapt out at me: (1) the word ‘quart’ jarred slightly - partly with delayed effect as it led me to expect similarly slightly archaic/quaint words that then didn’t materialise. This is a tiny thing, and might just be me. (2) I was confused by the hiding place for the pills - I was distracted by wondering whether this meant her father knew about the pills (since he presumably might easily stumble across them hidden in his own drawer). I appreciate this might be a deliberate signal that he DID know about them, but it’s additional subtle info to squeeze into a flashback if so, that might be better saved for elsewhere.

Really tiny points, though! I thought it was really good.

teddyandmo · 20/10/2018 13:45

Thank you for this mumbles. Regarding the ‘quart’ I agree completely. The problem I have is that I would naturally use slightly different language but have been told it’s a little too flowery. I have taken that on board so maybe I should change that word to part. With the pills, that is how I envisaged it. That the father knew and had hidden them in his draw so her mother couldn’t take them. I was tying to achieve the angle from a childs perspective that didn’t quite understand what was happening / or that the father would hide something of her mothers.
The scene then goes back to present moment where she’s about to take the pills. Part of my want for feedback was to sense whether the flash back scene was too long.

Thanks so much for everyone’s advice. Will welcome anymore to come : )

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 20/10/2018 13:52

Unless the father grew the roses in a hothouse - they wouldn't be around in March.
It would annoy me if I was reading that. And where did you get them from as it seems they have suddenly appeared in your hand ?

teddyandmo · 20/10/2018 13:56

Hi Victoria. I get where you’re coming from and appreciate this. However, it’s that she imagined her death to be that way not how it actually happens. Further paragraphs go on to describe this but I thought I’d already put to much Grin. Is this still as annoying?

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 20/10/2018 17:40

Reading the passage you posted it , it put the thought of roses in March immediately in my head. But I'm picky for places/seasons/ etc to be correct but thats just me !

CherryValance · 22/10/2018 16:40

Hi, I like it! Re: the comment about the roses, I get that she's initially imagining her death romantically, but as you've clearly mentioned that it's actually Winter, you could perhaps have her realise that the roses would at this time of year be bare thorny twigs, the pond might have a skin of ice rather than lillies etc. Although I like the seed mention, do many people grow roses from them?

teddyandmo · 22/10/2018 17:02

Clearly I need to read up on my horticulture. Grin It’s a first draft and just wanted to get an idea of whether it’s worth perusing. I think I’ll stick to my day job!! Thank you for advice and feedback would hate to have written loads and it all been rubbish Smile

OP posts:
CherryValance · 22/10/2018 22:19

No, no, don't give up. I'm just making little editor type comments, it's definitely worth pursuing. It's not badly written or anything

Amber0685 · 27/10/2018 13:08

Bump

CubanHeels · 27/10/2018 20:04

It’s still a bit too flowery, OP. I don’t think you’re trusting enough in the interest in the character and the situation you’ve created, and you’re overwriting to compensate — it might be that you don’t yet know the character well enough to feel confident writing her POV more plainly? I found myself unsure whether it was present day or Victorian/Edwardian until she put on the waxed jacket — I think it’s the rather floral, formal diction of ‘I had looked upon that scene countless times’, rather than something plainer like ‘I’d been looking at those fields all my life’. And her memory ‘determining’ the fields.

Also, is it a lake or a pool, and how big is the garden she’s walking down? The ‘romance’ of suicide will be more obviously self-deluding if it’s a little fishpond water-feature rather than a substantial lake on a country estate, say. (Also, to add to the horticultural nit-picks, do people ever really grow roses from seed?.)

Is this the beginning of a novel? I’d say you need more forward momentum at this point — get her to the water, or let her encounter someone who stops her, or climb over the fence and go off somewhere, or be arrested for fraud or something — rather than slipping back so soon into a substantial flashback about her mother. We need to see more of her character in action before we can care about her mother. If she’s your main character, and doesn’t kill herself, what stops her?

These are all things that always bedevil the beginning of a novel, though. (My friend who is my first reader pointed out that I’d had the sun set twice in one early scene Grin ... ) In your shoes, I’d write SORT THIS OUT LATER in the margin and keep going.

teddyandmo · 27/10/2018 22:10

Thanks cubanheels please see previous post - I’ve realised writing’s obviously not for me Smile

OP posts:
GenericHamster · 28/10/2018 13:24

Never give up on a bad day.

Writing is writing a bunch of stuff. Writing some more. Deleting some of it. Editing other bits. Sometimes starting all over again. Learning when to edit and when to trunk. And mostly just keeping going.

Good luck

AllSouls · 28/10/2018 16:22

But was that only a first draft, OP? You might end up rewriting that ten times before you get it to a finished stage. As a pp said, beginnings are notoriously tricky and usually you just forge ahead and come back to them much later on, when you know your characters and plot better, and understand what the beginning needs to do.

CarryOnScreamingValenta · 28/10/2018 16:28

Carry on with it and come back to the beginning later. Don't give up.

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