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Mystery critique

9 replies

MissTerious · 13/10/2018 14:40

Hiya. I've been writing a teen mystery type story and was wondering if anyone could tell me what they thought from a little extract from the middle. Thanks in advance for any thoughts! I'm not a professional by any means as a little disclaimer! Grin

There were a handful of things that would always remind her of that awful, awful night. Rain - the shock of the icy cold droplets hitting her bare back. The screaming - would she ever again close her eyes and not hear the screaming? And who could forget the vodka Savannah had plied her with earlier in the day? The dutch courage that burned the back of her throat and gave her the idea that she and everyone else was invincible. Not Julia, that’s for sure.

The ledge was slippery. It had been just one little shove, she wasn’t meant to fall over. Julia would have never done that on purpose, she could never hurt someone like that. No, not the girl who cried the first time she hit a possum with her car. She only pushed her to save Savannah. She hadn’t really meant to hurt her….had she?

But, intentional or not, she had hurt her. Badly. In a way that she might never recover from. Vomit rose in her throat as she had watched her fall.

She leaned over the edge of the roof, her heart in her mouth. Deep breaths, she told herself, don’t fall apart. Cold air burned her lungs, but it was better than the numbness that had engulfed her body as she watched the older girl tumble down in what seemed like slow motion.

Julia had read about it in a book once - L'appel du vide, the French called it. The call of the void. It’s when humans are at the top of a cliff face, or next to train tracks, and suddenly get an overwhelming urge to throw themselves off the ledge or in front of the train.

If she’d ever experienced that before, the sight of a girl’s body crumpled like a paper doll on the sidewalk banished it forever. After stumbling back from the edge of the roof, Julia leaned over, resting her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath.

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Surfinbird · 13/10/2018 23:34

It’s brilliant :) enjoyed it! (More please)

MissTerious · 14/10/2018 13:28

Thank you! Smile I have written around 25-30k of it so far but it's hard without any feedback whatsoever, I never know if it's all terrible. Not that I'm writing it for anything specific, but still!

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Surfinbird · 14/10/2018 15:10

That’s a brilliant amount - my WIP is at 14,000 words and anything extra keeps getting deleted 😫 I am firmly in the ‘I am shit’ category! Lol

Your writing is wonderful, very intriguing, flows beautifully, this short excerpt is one of those pieces that stops looking like words and starts playing a mini film in my minds eye. Keep going with your writing ! X

MissTerious · 14/10/2018 17:36

14k is amazing too! It's taken me around a year to get to even 30k. 14,000 more than when you started Smile And I doubt it's awful, you look at yourself with a critical eye after reading it so many times!

Thank you so much. That's basically how I write, I see it in my mind and then I write what I see! I've always wanted to write a story so just hoping I can finish and with something that is some kind of interesting well rounded-ish plot and contents.

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daisypond · 14/10/2018 20:34

It's great. Really enjoyable to read. I want to know what's happened.
I hesitated on a couple of things - "awful, awful night" - I wasn't sure about the repetition of awful, but on balance I think it's fine and good teen speak. I hesitated on "she watched the older girl tumble down" - the use of "the older girl" felt a little clunky. I think "her" might be better here.

MissTerious · 14/10/2018 22:25

Thank you for your thoughts. She's quite a dramatic character so hopefully the repetition of awful works for her. I agree that "the older girl" might sound a little out of place. "Her" does sound better when reading it aloud!

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Hellomatey001 · 15/10/2018 22:45

I read a lot of psychological thrillers and you have got the style almost bang on! This could easily be an excerpt from a published book.
Well done.

GloriousMystery · 15/10/2018 22:57

It’s not entirely clear to the reader at the end of the first paragraph whether we’re in Julia or Savannah’s POV. I think it’s ‘Not Julia, that’s for sure’. And later on I’m not clear who has pushed who — perennial problem with two same sex characters in a third-person POV scene.

And I’d cut or rephrase the two rhetorical questions in the first paragraph.

The character who falls, or is pushed, seems to take an awfully long time to hit the ground. I know you say the watching character experiences it in slow motion, but I genuinely thought she was falling down an enormous cliff face rather than off a roof...?

MissTerious · 15/10/2018 23:06

Thank you! Smile

And I can see where you're coming from, thank you for your thoughts. The ambiguity at the beginning might be because it's taken from the middle of a chapter? So it's a little clearer (I hope!) in the actual thing. I agree, though. It's so tricky when "she" and "her" can mean either of the characters!

Mm, I hadn't thought of how that came across. I'm not really sure how to make that snappier...maybe take out as she watched her fall and just show her looking at her at the bottom? Not too sure. But thank you so much for reading and giving me your thoughts, it's so appreciated! Smile

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