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Rejections, could I have an opinion on writing style please?

13 replies

MyBabyBoyBlue · 26/09/2018 14:54

Three weeks after sending my novel out, the rejections are rolling in thick and fast... I know it's competitive and most books are rejected, but could you please take a quick look at the opening of my novel and let me know what you think? It's a ghost story...

The house had the air of something resurrected; softly decaying around its edges despite the fix-up job. Windows stared down like lifeless eyes which saw nothing and everything. Overgrown ivy crawled down one side of its red-brick exterior, curling around its top windows like matted hair. Framed in an artificial summer’s day, it was still and silent, the surroundings stifling in their perfection. And yet, Kate knew it was home.
She stood now, staring up at their new home from the driveway, shielding her eyes from the searing sunlight, ignoring the shadows lurking around its edges. A proud smile crossed her face. To her, the house was perfect. Too perfect, her husband Charlie had said when they first viewed it, clutching glossy brochures in their hand as they hung on every over-enthusiastic word of their estate agent. The fresh white paint on the window sills hid the crumbling mortar around its edges, the neat gravel of the driveway covered the mud tracks that had laid there before and the symmetrical red brick chimneys on either side of the roof drew her eye away from the dappled green and black moss poking from beneath new roof tiles. Each perfect thing about the house had been framed in the warm summer’s day which had appeared from nowhere following their two hour drive through torrential autumn rain for their first and only viewing.
‘Charlie, can you grab the last two bags from the boot? I’ll get Lottie.’ Kate called over her shoulder to her husband as she leaned into the back seat of their black Qashqai; usually sleek and shiny but now speckled with mud after their long drive through winding country roads. Kate wasn’t doing much better; she was hungry and grumpiness had set in thirty miles back after the sat nav had sent them in the wrong direction three times. Two phones, two separate sets of Google maps and one mention of a divorce later, they had arrived.

OP posts:
MyBabyBoyBlue · 26/09/2018 14:54

Sorry, i don't know why the paragraphs have disappeared...

OP posts:
frecklefox · 26/09/2018 15:38

Hello! Thank you for sharing your writing, it's difficult to feedback online as criticism meant constructively can come across badly, but I want you to know that none of my comments are meant sarcastically or nastily! I'd love to see more of this story, I'd like to know what happens to this little family Smile

The house had the air of something resurrected;
What did you want that to mean?

softly decaying around its edges despite the fix-up job.
What fix up job? 'The' suggests we know about some kind of renovation. Maybe 'despite a recent and somewhat unsuccesful fix-up job' or something.

Windows stared down like lifeless eyes which saw nothing and everything.
Bit existential for a Wednesday, decidedly more profound than the rest of the excerpt.

Overgrown ivy crawled down one side of its red-brick exterior, curling around its top windows like matted hair.
That is a really lovely metaphor Smile

Framed in an artificial summer’s day,
What is an artificial summer's day?

it was still and silent, the surroundings stifling in their perfection.
Why were they so perfect? So far the house sounds like a dump.

And yet, Kate knew it was home.
GAH! Surprise character! Who is she? What's she like? I was just getting my head round the house. Characters are easier to picture and relate to when they're introduced properly in the third person.

She stood now,
Why, what was she doing before?

staring up at their new home from the driveway, shielding her eyes from the searing sunlight, ignoring the shadows lurking around its edges.
Can this sentence be broken up a bit? It makes several points but it's long. Also 'staring' isn't a particularly flattering sounding thing to be doing.

A proud smile crossed her face. To her, the house was perfect.
Naww, Kate Smile

Too perfect, her husband Charlie had said when they first viewed it, clutching glossy brochures in their hand as they hung on every over-enthusiastic word of their estate agent.
hands - there's more than one hand involved. How did Charlie say it, was he annoyed, suspicious, in awe, excited?

The fresh white paint on the window sills hid the crumbling mortar around its edges, the neat gravel of the driveway covered the mud tracks that had laid there before and the symmetrical red brick chimneys on either side of the roof drew her eye away from the dappled green and black moss poking from beneath new roof tiles.
Nice!

Each perfect thing about the house had been framed in the warm summer’s day which had appeared from nowhere following their two hour drive through torrential autumn rain for their first and only viewing.
But the house was a dump, mixed messages, slightly confusing time jump from viewing to moving day, took a couple of reads.

‘Charlie, can you grab the last two bags from the boot? I’ll get Lottie.’
Who is Lottie? Check use of ' and " for dialogue.

Kate called over her shoulder to her husband as she leaned into the back seat of their black Qashqai; usually sleek and shiny but now speckled with mud after their long drive through winding country roads.
Not too fussed about what kind of car it is, still hung up on who Lottie is. Kate was standing on the driveway in front of the house a minute ago and is now leaning into the back of the car, seems a little disjointed, could something tie the two together, her thoughts or what she saw as she turned back to the car?

Kate wasn’t doing much better; she was hungry and grumpiness had set in thirty miles back after the sat nav had sent them in the wrong direction three times. Two phones, two separate sets of Google maps and one mention of a divorce later, they had arrived.
They'd been here before though, seems a little odd that they'd bought a house after seeing it once and not knowing remotely where it was.

MyBabyBoyBlue · 27/09/2018 09:35

Thank you for the feedback, and for taking the time to read! Time for another edit I think.

OP posts:
1wokeuplikethis · 27/09/2018 09:44

It is good and I am in admiration if anybody who has written a book, well done you op.

But, for an introduction to a plot there is a LOT of information and all just snippets, which I assume is in preview of what will unfold as the story continues. But as a reader, there's too much going on and not enough substance, it's spread too thinly: the house, the couple, who are they, Lottie, the car, the journey/squabble. I'd suggest sticking with one theme and developing the rest further into the book as a better way of hooking the reader.

I'd definitely be interested in reading more though. Don't give up op!

GenericHamster · 01/10/2018 10:26

The above feedback is good.

What I'd also add is that agents (and editors) read really quickly and often know in a page or two whether they are interested in the work. Sometimes it's to do with personal tastes, sometimes it's not getting into the story quickly enough.

The example above is scene-setting, which obviously most people do at the beginning of a book, but you need to get to conflict of some sort too pretty quickly - it doesn't need to be in your face confrontational conflict, but something that we want to turn the page to find out about. At the moment all I know is that they've moved house and it's 'too perfect' - which is probably how an awful lot of submitted stories begin.

The good thing is, it's easy to edit a beginning :)

BlackCloudofGloom · 02/10/2018 23:12

Well done for completing a whole novel! Remember that publishers' reasons for rejection can include stuff like, "We're just about to print something with a similar plot," or "We've already chosen enough books to publish in that genre for our next season." So don't be too down-hearted.

Since you're asking, I'd say the lengthy description makes for a rather slow start, and the house, though described in close detail, somehow doesn't come across to me as a particularly intriguing building. It has windows, a tiled roof and two chimneys. Wow. Perhaps you could add a few quirky characteristics - a turret, an odd-shaped porch?

You might want to reconsider your choice of adjectives. There are a lot of semi-clichés, such as the windows 'like lifeless eyes', the 'glossy brochures', the 'fresh white paint', the 'neat gravel', the 'sleek and shiny' car and the 'winding country roads'. The whole thing comes across as a first draft rather an edited final manuscript. (Would she really be able to see the dappling on the moss under the roof tiles? She must have phenomenal eyesight!)

Don't give up! You can do this!

Good luck with your writing.

Gettingsomewhere · 03/10/2018 11:41

Hi! I found it very descriptive. Maybe a bit more dialogue to get a feel for the place? An argument between wife and husband that conveys their conflicting feelings about the place without actually spelling it out.

Pollaidh · 06/11/2018 23:51

Hello. I'm finding it a bit too descriptive and scene setty up front. I'd probably have the first paragraph to set the scene and then into dialogue/action. And make it significant dialogue. I don't know if you ever read fan fiction, but it's not a bad way to get a feel for what works and what doesn't. One thing that always turns me off is more than 1 paragraph of scene setting before the story begins.

Three weeks after sending my novel out, the rejections are rolling in thick and fast... I know it's competitive and most books are rejected, but could you please take a quick look at the opening of my novel and let me know what you think? It's a ghost story...

Windows stared down like lifeless eyes which saw nothing and everything.
Windows as eyes has been done many times before, I'm afraid, and I think a cliche this early might put an agent off.

Overgrown ivy crawled down one side of its red-brick exterior, curling around its top windows like matted hair.
I'm not sure this comparison works for me - ivy tangles perhaps, more than curls, and whilst I see where you are coming from, the difference in texture between matted hair and ivy jarred on me.

Framed in an artificial summer’s day,
Not sure what this means, so it pulled me out.

A proud smile crossed her face.
I think my problem with this is that it feels quite external, like the narration if looking at kate, but then we go into Kate's internal thoughts, and again that's a little jarring.

There's too much description about something I have not yet any reason to care about.

‘Charlie, can you grab the last two bags from the boot? I’ll get Lottie.’
I think the first words need to be something significant, something that really shows character, or shocks, or, well, something. This is to pedestrian.

black Qashqai
Not sure why, possibly all the olde worlde description and then the Qashqai jars.

The mention of the divorce is nice, I like that.

I think we really really need to see some dialogue earlier, and that dialogue needs to express what they feel about the house. Could they both get out of the car and then Kate says/pretends she likes how run down it is, and her husband argues that it didn't look like that before etc... rather than you telling us this?

Don't give up though, you've got something, but you need help to make it shine. I do think it's probably not ready for an agent - so maybe don't do any more submissions, instead read books on editing, find a critique partner etc.

Pollaidh · 06/11/2018 23:52

too duh. I've an agent, honest.

JaneJeffer · 07/11/2018 00:11

I think it should start with this
‘Charlie, can you grab the last two bags from the boot? I’ll get Lottie.’ Kate called over her shoulder to her husband as she leaned into the back seat of their black Qashqai; usually sleek and shiny but now speckled with mud after their long drive through winding country roads. Kate wasn’t doing much better; she was hungry and grumpiness had set in thirty miles back after the sat nav had sent them in the wrong direction three times. Two phones, two separate sets of Google maps and one mention of a divorce later, they had arrived

Then describe the house in a less flowery way.

I want to know what happens now!

buckingfrolicks · 21/01/2019 18:11

Show it, don't tell it.

Far too much description for me I'm afraid. I can see you're setting the scene and trying to paint a picture but you're laying it out on a plate so (and especially for an opening of novel) there is not enough mystery or drawing in.

probablyprocrastinating · 29/01/2019 10:28

Agree you’ve got something - but I think start with conflict. Show the arguments in the car - set up a feeling that the perfect house is already causing problems before they even get there. Then you can bring in the description and weave it into the story (unpacking, noticing details she hadn’t seen when they viewed it, etc). Sorry I’m rushing, but I have a book deadline and I’m living up to my name Grin - and good luck! You’ve done the hard bit, which is finishing.

Saggingninja · 21/02/2019 17:23

Can I ask, have you written a synopsis as well? And a book blurb? Both are very useful as the synopsis will show that you can plot and the book blurb is a selling tool. Most editors will read the synopsis to find out what happens.

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