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Creative writing

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guys i need help??

4 replies

Icanhearmynebioursshouting · 15/09/2017 20:08

which paragraph sounds better to you more intriging???

“Oh grandmama why must we leave our home? why must I never see my friends again? weeped a small frightened child. The old lady looked down at the child kneeling before her, wrapped head to toe in buffalo fur that of her father had slaughtered and her mother had washed, woven and draped across the child. The flames of the fire reflected of her dark brown eyes. The slight breeze from the nights wind danced through her long brown hair. The old lady peered around searching for another soul, if the mother and father where to hear the old lady speak such words, then the old woman would not speak another.

The orange mist bounced of the blinding silver moon, it oscillates in circles weaving and waving within its self all around Ruoivas’s body. Her dark choclatte eyes following every move of the mist, her never ending locks twirl and twist around her body. And the sunlight coloured lights flow in the direction of her hands as she sways them around before her eyes. She rises her hands above her head as the mesmarising light cloaked her whole body. She gently closed her eyes she feels the warmth swim around her veins. Her feet began to lift of the ground while her back begins to curve it was like her whole body felt at peace with its self. The feeling was extrdinary she lost her self in the moment when all of a sudden she heard her Grandmama whisper loudly “Ruoivas stop that your mother and father are in sight”. Ruoivas eyes leaped open, her feet fell to the snow filled ground, and her whole body felt the sharp wind violently hit her body.

OP posts:
Parietal · 15/09/2017 20:16

First.

Also maybe edit for shorter sentences

PricklyBall · 15/09/2017 20:36

First. It grabs me much more in terms of immediacy.

But they're both rather unpolished. Run everything you write through a spell checker (wept not weeped, chocolate not choclatte), and watch your tenses (the second paragraph flips back and forth between present and past). Also, watch your punctuation: apostrophes for possessives, speech in inverted commas. (If you have an additional issue like dyslexia, there are some excellent computer packages out there which offer a much higher level of checking than the basic grammar and spelling checks in, say, Word. Also you don't have to spend loads on word processing packages. I use Libre Office, which is available as a free download, and has a perfectly adequate spell checker).

jojowilko · 16/09/2017 22:16

The first opening. There's more of a cliffhanger.

Jayfee · 28/09/2017 19:23

I love the second but it needs a lot of proofreading and editing.

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