Opinions on this book please

[Readthisbookplease]

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Book is the link above. No fundraising information this time. I am a regular member with a name change. I was not trying to fundraise at all in my last thread which got deleted.

Please can you read the excerpt of the book and let me know your thoughts? Thank you in advance.

It's a bit over descriptive for my taste - too many adverbs make it a bit clunky.

Eg Wearily - you've already set the scene that he's not looking forward to this meeting, is tired and fed up... if you need to then add that he's approaching wearily , you haven't set the scene well enough. In this case, I think it's clear from the proceeding paragraphs that he is somewhat knackered, so the wearily is unnecessary if you see what I mean.

Pet hate of mine though so maybe being unreasonable!

And I'm not a creative writing teacher just a reader so take it with a pinch of salt!

Thank you! Interesting that you and the other poster picked the same sentence to comment on. I will definitely pass that onto to my friend.

He will now approach publishers as well as try to self publish if he doesn't get any interest from any publisher. He is new to this, so am I so excuse the naive approach to it all.

No worries.

The concept is interesting, from what I can see on the website, but in that excerpt, things are being over-explained and it's getting in the way of the story, if you see what I mean.

So, for example, the bit about heavens tears for devils - the paragraph explaining what he meant is unnecessary as it's clear enough from the context.

I reckon that the excerpt could be muchly improved just by taking out a good 20-30% of it.

Has your friend ever read Stephen King's 'On Writing'? It explains about taking out the bits that are not the story and having confidence that your reader will know what is happening without the writer having to point out the obvious, which I think is the issue your friend maybe having.

No worries.

The concept is interesting, from what I can see on the website, but in that excerpt, things are being over-explained and it's getting in the way of the story, if you see what I mean.

So, for example, the bit about heavens tears for devils - the paragraph explaining what he meant is unnecessary as it's clear enough from the context.

I reckon that the excerpt could be muchly improved just by taking out a good 20-30% of it.

Has your friend ever read Stephen King's 'On Writing'? It explains about taking out the bits that are not the story and having confidence that your reader will know what is happening without the writer having to point out the obvious, which I think is the issue your friend maybe having.

Oops sorry for double post, app playing up!

Thank you ever so much.

Something that jumped out at me was the term "cognitive of"; is that correct? I've never seen cognitive used in that context.

I found it a bit clunky but not really my thing anyway. just being nosy.

Good luck to your friend!!

Yes 'cognitive of' probably wants to be 'aware of'.

There's a few places where it looks like the writer has thought of a word and then clicked on the thesaurus button to find a 'fancier' word which makes it clunky.

I think normally the first word that comes to mind is usually the right word.

I will definitely pass that onto to my friend.

I do hope your friend knows you're doing this. If he doesn't, get your two threads about this book deleted pronto. It's really not appropriate to do this without the author's permission.

He will now approach publishers as well as try to self publish if he doesn't get any interest from any publisher. He is new to this, so am I so excuse the naive approach to it all.

The book isn't ready for publication.

It's overwritten, and confusing, and needs a lot of revision and work before it'll be ready for your friend to take the next steps.

When your friend has done all that rewriting he'll need to find an agent, not approach publishers directly.

Self publication isn't easy. It's very hard work, and requires a lot of specialist knowledge. It's not something to do because you can't find a publisher.

I would suggest to your friend that he or she joins a writing group online. At AbsoluteWrite.com he could get help knocking it into shape and learn about the publishing process. It would be better than rushing into this before the book is ready, and making horrible mistakes.

I agree - this isn't ready yet.

There is too much description and explanation of complicated backstory while nothing happens (except him walking up a hill). I don't get a feel for the character either, and without that it doesn't make me want to read on I'm afraid. Sometimes you need to do this worldbuilding work to get yourself into the story, but it shouldn't remain in a big chunk in the finished piece.

I'd second joining a critique group, or if funds allow, getting a report from somewhere like Cornerstones.

I'd second joining a critique group, or if funds allow, getting a report from somewhere like Cornerstones.

Cornerstones is very good. But from what I've read of the book so far, the writer would be spending money too soon. Wait until it's been revised a lot more before paying for a professional critique. Otherwise all you'll be paying for is relatively basic advice you can get from good critique groups.

The thing that I couldn't put my finger on was why it read really badly for me, and didn't ring true. Then I realised it reads as if David Brent had turned his hand to writing.

There's probably a lot of fact and research but it reminds me of middle management for some reason. If the last sentence revealed it was a metaphor for climbing the stairs to a meeting I wouldn't be surprised.

In my opinion it's just too much.

Wearily, Dembei began his climb, wending his way up the incline. By the time he neared the hilltop, his protesting legs burned with fatigue.

Would be much improved if it was just

Dembei began his climb, his legs burning with fatigue before he had even reached the hilltop.

I'm not saying that second sentence is perfect but it tells you he's climbing a hill, he's tired and his legs hurt, without having to say those things.

It would help for the author to go through the whole section and look at it as: what do I want my readers to know, how can I tell them, am I trying to tell them too much, do they really need to know that? Also the tone of the book is important as to how you try to describe things.

In my view, world-building in fantasy etc is not about over describing everything, but about thinking through the layers. When a character does something, you know why, what motivates them. When someone arrives from a far off land, that land is just as real to you, with all the details mapped out, as the one in which your story is set. But it doesn't mean that your reader needs to know all that.

The tone and register keeps wobbling, for me -- sometimes it's in formal, even archaic language eg 'from whence he came'/'dare the heavens weep for fallen devils?'/'perilous' rather than dangerous lands, and at other times it's much more modern/informal, even ungrammatical ('winded' instead of 'wound'? the syntax of the sentence about the rain keeping predators away?). The 'slithering snakes' struck a really odd note in the context, because it sounded suddenly like something out of a children's book. This hasn't found its voice yet.

Why not begin with Dembei actually on the hill top, rather than giving him four paragraphs to get there, where he's mostly thinking about the rain, and save the description of the hill and its significance for after this scene? In fact, while I get that he's an old man, the fact that he does an awful lot of mental complaining about the weather, and that his first remark, on getting to the top of this sacred mountain and meeting these frightening, powerful people, is that it looks like rain, feels a bit odd, too -- if the reader is to understand that whatever is going on is terribly important, then the weather should be largely irrelevant, unless it's advancing plot/characterisation/atmosphere.

Appreciate this is a bit of a zombie thread but can anyone tell me more about 'Cornerstones' pls?

Cornerstones is an editorial agency. They provide editorial reports, for a fee. They're good. But you don't need to use such agencies if you're going to look for a trade publisher. If you're going to self publish then yes, it's essential to pay to have your book edited.

Thank you, OnTheRise