Can you give me an honest opinion?

[MmmPercyPigs]

Here is my first attempt at a children's story (with a little help from Storybird - what a great website!)

Would anyone mind having a peek and giving me some (gentle) constructive feedback.

Hi MmePercy Pigs - okay, so generally, I think it's a very sweet book and relates well to both sexes.

There were a couple of bits where I thought the vocab was a little 'unchild-like'; the 'long soak in the bath' and 'hitching a ride'. I thought that a child wouldn't really ever think about having a long soak in a hot bath and it made me think you were writing for an adult iyswim?

The only sentence I didn't think flowed particulalry was the ostrich ride one; nothing wrong with the content of the sentence, just thought it seemed like a bit of a mouthful.

Hope this gently enough feedback because overall, I really like the idea and it reminded a little of a German translated book DD had as a toddler.

ps - I wrote the above from the perspective of a mummy buying a book for her child; not from a literary point of view.

It's a lovely idea.
You've actually created a book similar to a poem I used to say to my DD when she was a baby!

I think it flows nicely in general, but a couple of the lines need cleaning up to make them flow better.
I also agree with Loopydoo that not all the themes are those that would really appeal to children. Some of them seem more to be what you'd like to do than a 3 year old.

So mme what happens once you've written? Does it get published? Or is it an online tool to practice your creative writing before going on to do a book?

I like it, i agree with the long hot bath, some kind of bubble bath seems more accurate for kids. I do like the ostrich sentence, made me giggle.

Thanks for the feedback - I see what you mean! I will see if I can make changes.

Loopy it is just an online tool - I think technically the website 'owns' your work because they provide the art/inspiration.

:)

Mmm - I checked it out last night and found it a bit weird to use......my stories just didn't match the artwork - but I guess it's not supposed to be that way aorund! It's the art that's supposed to inspire you.

I think it has beauty and magic. You have pitched it right for the age group. Your style is gentle and appealing and if I were still working in publishing it would be something I would choose to reply to more personally - rather than the standard 'not right for our list' type letter.

It is, however, very tricky to write rhyming text that scans well and reads aloud well. I think you need to do some more work on that. At the moment it will make readers stumble. Read Tyrannosaurus Drip for an example of a well-done rhyming text.

Also I think you need a stronger ending and possibly a change to the format somewhere in the middle.

By 'stronger ending' I mean a really clear, tying it all up type of finale.

So to summarise, I think you have a beautiful idea and an appealing writing style. I also think you need to do more work on this or get some more practice in, and read some popular texts to see what's out there at the moment.

I would add that it's perceived as being harder to sell picture book texts without a strong plot at the moment. The more 'thoughtful' ones are not being picked up as much. That's not to say the trend won't change, or that you shouldn't be writing them!

Gorgeous writing and illustration.

Thanks all - lots to think about!

Are the illustrations yours, OP?

it's okay- lovely idea, but your punctuation at the end is not right, and you lose the meaning.

Also- some of the words are far too hard for a child to read, so assume it's aimed at parents who will read to children?