Can I tell you my abortion - 20 years ago still on my mind

[icrossedthesea]

I am 36 years old. When I was 16 I had an abortion and I still think about it a lot more than I would like to.

Basically I was 16, I got pregnant by my then boyfriend who was 21. I knew I didn't want to be with him forever. He sort of said ya ya what ever you think.

I looked everything up then booked flights etc. When I got to Dublin airport I remember looking out at the planes taking off and think I don't want to do this. I called my boyfriend 20+ times. He didn't answer, he was on a lads holiday in Spain.

So I got on the flight, did what I did. Stayed with a relative - who didn't know. Then flew home a few days later. I told one cousin who then when drunk a few years later used it in an argument with me at a family party so all my family know now. One was disgusted with me and wasn't shy about showing it.

There was A LOT going on in my life then. I have been seeing a counsellor now a few months. There was addiction, emotional abusive, control, lots of other words I've just learnt along with a small amount of physical abuse and sexual abuse in my 'home' growing up.

I found the referendum very difficult, but was 100% in favour of it.

What sparked it in me tonight was a post asking about how many 'angel' babies you have. I had 4 miscarriages, but I often want to count 5. But then remember that 1st one was only down to my decisions so I shouldn't grieve. I then feel like the other 4 were punishment.

I did see the GP when I got home a week later, I was told to by the clinic. He basically looked at me and said why was I telling him this.

I think you can still grieve a baby that was aborted. I’m sorry you’ve had the experiences you’ve had in your home life and not the support that you deserve. I hope you can find your peace x

I'm so sorry for your losses. You can grieve a termination and your feelings are valid. It can be absolutely the correct decision and still be deeply difficult and painful.

It sounds like your life was difficult and complex, for reasons outside of your control, and you were doing your very best to deal with that. I'm sorry that others have been mean and judgemental. That says everything about them and nothing about you.

Op you absoulty can grieve for your baby. But it also sounds like you made the best decision for you both.

Even a 16yo with a 21 yo man is questionable. Its verging on abusive.

I hope you are in a better place now.

I’m more to the pro life end of the spectrum than many on here. And I would still say to you that you were an abused and groomed child. You did what you had to do to survive. With sod all support. And you are allowed to feel about that whatever you feel. And if you feel you need to mourn for your first lost pregnancy, lost because you were young and abused and scared and unsupported, you have every right to do so. Your later losses were not punishment, they were really crappy bad luck. Forgive yourself.

oh lovely I want to just to give you a huge hug! Hi, have had two abortion and both of those happen after having two children and whilst married, Sometimes you just have to do what is right in the circumstances however tragic, please grieve your baby I grieve mine xx

Grieve your baby, and Grieve for the 16 year old yoi who had to.go through that. Please be kind to yourself x

I know that feeling that you think you were punished. This is absolutely not the case. You are older now, you are settled and you can't remember really what it was like at the time. You did the best at the time within your scope. Don't go over this .

Thank you everyone

I do think I made the right decision and it is still what I would recommend to 16yr old me.

I need to forgive myself. And also see that some of it has to be tied with the shame/ stigma attached to it 20yrs ago.

Like when I think of 16yr old me flying over alone it makes my heart sad.

Op what is also heartbreaking is you faced it alone. Neither boyfriend or mum went with you
Where did your relative think you were going?

OP, I had an abortion almost 30 years ago when I was 17, and I too think about it a lot.

One of the things that sticks with me, a little like yourself, is that I went through it alone. Completely alone. I look at my own DD and think how devastated I would be to discover she'd face such a traumatic life event by herself, but I had nobody to tell other than my boyfriend at the time.

I've never got over it, deep down I know it was probably the right decision but I'm also not sure it was the right decision for me. I sat there waiting for someone to come in and stop me.

Like you. I don't feel able to "grieve" as it was "choice", but for a lot of us, it felt like the ONLY choice.

@Needspaceforlego it was with a bachelor uncle, he couldn't have cared less where I went or what I was up to! I was hurt my boyfriend didn't answer the phone. My mum wasn't really around much to notice what I did. I technically still lived with her at that point but it could be days without seeing her. - Work/ social life/ her hobby.

@CandiedPrincess I am also sorry you went through that alone. Did you go over to England as well? I am at least glad women don't need to do that anymore. While the staff were all great at the clinic, it was awful to 'come too' given my clothes, and told have a cup of tea with other ladies there. Then leave, off out into the city alone.

I have cousins that age now and for the life of me I would hate for any of them to go through that alone. I can only imagine what it is like to look at your DD and think of her doing that alone.

It really did feel like the only choice and I do logically think it was the correct one.

It didn't help that a few months later in religion class we learnt all about how despicable it is with 2 class 'mates' in particular having very strong opinions on it. We were then made to watch a video but I left after a few mins an said it made me feel sick

Op your boyfriend also sounds like he was using you, verging on abusing you. 16 and 21 is a massive age gap at that age.

Absolutely. I don’t think it’s accidental that you feel sad and conflicted because terminating involved you having to travel secretly to another country to have one, and because of the lingering effects of an oppressive theocracy on the bodies of women — as you say, it was soaked into the education system. Everything was primed to make you feel bad.

I think you should feel sympathy and admiration for your teenage self, and it might help to imagine adult you accompanying her on her trip, and being there for her afterwards.

I have a good friend who terminated an unplanned pregnancy in London in the eighties, and I’ve always admired her sanity and lack of conflict about it, given that she went on to marry the man and try with increasing desperation to conceive for over a decade, when it would have been easy for her to see their infertility as a ‘punishment’. But I realise part of it was that, unusually for an Irish teenager travelling to England for a termination then, she had a cousin working in healthcare in London who arranged everything, went with her, and had her to stay for days afterwards to recuperate, so she had less secrecy and more support on the spot, when you didn’t. 💐

@icrossedthesea No, I am in England but I come from a very large Irish Catholic family, so thankfully I didn't need to travel too far but I couldn't tell anyone about it.

It's odd when you look back that you were allowed to go through it alone. I had a general anaesthetic and then was allowed to leave about 2 hours later. In what other situation does that happen!

Of course you can grieve your baby.
You were in a very difficult situation.
And only 16 with no support from the father of the baby or your mother.
It was because of girls who were In predicaments like yours that I voted for abortion becoming available in Ireland.
Why should or would I vote to prevent a girl or woman having a choice in a difficult situation.
What if it were me or one of my daughters?

I would like to have that choice.
Have you had other children @icrossedthesea?

Ah Lovely, my dd will be 16 soon, and my heart is hurting thinking of you going through all that alone and by yourself.
You were so let down by the people who should have been looking out for you. You were only a child yourself.

But you did very well considering. I don’t think I’d have managed as well at 16. You made a sensible decision that was right for the circumstances and saw it through without an ounce of support. I think you should be very proud of your younger yourself.

I know that it’s hard to shake off the cultural shame - and the worst ones for it wouldn’t be a blind a bit of use or help to you if you had a baby either. They just thrive on throwing shame about. As for the RE video - ffs words fail me.

Do you know about microchimerism? Babies we carry leave cells behind, so you always have part all of the babies with you. I find that really comforting.

dDealing with the challenges you describe and an infant would not have been an easy life. It is trite, but try to be kind to 16 year old you. I’m sorry you were let down by people who should have looked after you, but I am glad you had the freedom to make the choice you did.

You're right actually it is mad that you were allowed to leave alone. I was too. That was in 2005. I was very early and they could have given me a tablet but they said as I would be alone they didn't want to do that in case of complications later on. Which I guess makes sense.

But in 2020 when I had a D&C after a missed miscarriage I had to be released from the hospitals care to DH.

I guess though if that were a stipulation many young women/ girls may not get the help at all.

You're right actually it is mad that you were allowed to leave alone. I was too. That was in 2005. I was very early and they could have given me a tablet but they said as I would be alone they didn't want to do that in case of complications later on. Which I guess makes sense.

But in 2020 when I had a D&C after a missed miscarriage I had to be released from the hospitals care to DH.

I guess though if that were a stipulation many young women/ girls may not get the help at all.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I am very much pro-choice but I do think it is valid to grieve the baby you aborted. It sounds like you had a difficult upbringing and were possibly groomed/abused by your boyfriend at the time due to the age gap and how young you were. I'm sorry you were on your own and had no-one around to support you either.

It's good that you're having counselling. Hopefully that can help you process your feelings of grief so you can move forward with your life.

Good luck.

Op have you read @GooseyGandalf post?

Because I was thinking exactly the same thing, you coped remarkably well to organise what you were doing without any support.

I can't imagine many 16yos at any point in time being able to cope that well. Be proud of yourself that you managed.

I doesn't sound like you had lots of support and the support for the child would have been even less.
It sounds like there is a good chance the child would have ended up in care, getting passed around the system.

You did the best thing for both of you.
I really hope you are in a much better place now.

@GooseyGandalf @Needspaceforlego it's strange, I have quite a few younger cousins 2 female ones who are 17. While I wouldn't want them to, I actually really cannot imagine either of them doing that alone. Don't get me wrong they are both clever and capable girls. But I don't think (even with a smart phone) they would know what to do.

I have always been very independent. Even when I think of my friends at the time, I highly doubt they would have know how to go about it either. They'd have got lost on the way to Dublin!

The counselling is for a world of other things but I have brought this up. I might bring it up again.

@NimbleDreamer I am 100% pro choice, I never felt brave enough to share my story during the referendum but I did post publicly in support of it and to any one that was unsure I tried to give them good reasons to vote yes. He wasn't a great catch big into drinking and drugs.

Someone asked, and I'm not sure I answered. Yes I have 2 DC now. Funny enough since I had the abortion every boyfriend long or short knew that if contraceptive failed I would not abort. Way to set the mood lol. I had been on the pill when I got pregnant but I doubt I was taking it correctly - as in consistently.

Op it sounds like you feel guilt.
But actually the person who should feel guilty is the 21 year old 'boyfriend' who quite literally fucked you up and then left you to deal with it. I bet he's never given it a second thought.

I think that is indicitive of the amount of support you'd have recieved from him should you have gone a head with the pregancy. None.

Have no doubt you did the best thing for you both. You and the baby.

This a thousand times. Hugs.

Well, you made a very grown up decision when you were very young. You should be proud of yourself. I am sorry that your family did not tell you this, I guess they were either upset that you didn't confide in them or judgmental of your actions and decision which is meaningless and completely unhelpful. The person who shared your secret at a family event should feel ashamed.

Might it help to mark this somehow by perhaps planting a nice rose somewhere? I have done this myself after a couple of miscarriages. It helps. If it helps you to count 5, do it. Plant 5 rose bushes and acknowledge them all. And just please forgive yourself because there is in fact not a thing to forgive yourself for.

The miscarriages that you had cannot be punishment as it is something quite common that happens to a lot of women. These were not a punishment, they were just things that happened. And, anyway, there is nothing to be punished for.

A friend of mine had a termination in her 40's a few years ago. She already had 4 children. She felt terrible but the nurses there reassured her that this is very common.

The GP you saw could have been a LOT more supportive and offered you some counselling back then but then they are so often useless.