How to see a child psychologist

[Pleasehelp10]

I hope this is posted in the right place as I’m based in Ireland. We have 4 dcs but one dc in particular has been a concern for us from very small. As a baby they were incredibly unsettled, didn’t sleep for years ; when waking would literally scream and scream constantly and wake constantly.
I obviously took him to see gp as this went on for months , then years..
I thought maybe he had an allergy etc or something physical and had lots of tests done ; allergies, coeliac, stomach issues etc etc nothing came up , tried different diets and nothing made any difference. Eventually, around 3, he started sleeping through , then as he got older he developed night terrors but actually it was very similar to how he was as a baby so literally screaming the house down. I can’t tell you how stressful this has been , we are talking completely unconscious (I can’t wake him and don’t think we are supposed to) and he doesn’t settle so literally screaming and shouting .
Again I have other children and one had night terrors briefly (as common enough I believe ) but it only went on for maybe a year and they were nothing in comparison to this. It actually felt more like a continuation of what my son had originally as a baby.
He is 10 now and he has lots of friends , enjoys lots of sports and especially socialising. I think this is what is throwing us off as we as parents do think there is something but he has had meetings with a educational psychologist who is a specialist in asd but she said , as others have said before , that she doesn’t feel like there are enough indicators of autism but i feel something isn’t right .
Our lives at home are v v v hard with him if I’m honest . It’s so so stressful and we don’t know where to turn. If there is something he wants /doesn’t want he will argue to absolute death about it and he almost (the best way I can describe this) locks-in , he cannot accept what we are saying . Tiny example and things like this can happen constantly ; He asked me to move up the seat on his brothers bike , I literally couldn’t as I didn’t have the right tools at that moment, he asked constantly and I said I can’t and explained, he continued on and on getting more and more irate . It like this with so so many things. He shows absolutely none of this behaviour in school or in front of friends. I feel like it might be some form of pda. Is there any way we can find a child psychologist privately? I am extremely worried about the teenage years. If anyone can help with some advice I’d be grateful .

Hey OP - I have two children with autism, the younger of whom fits the PDA profile. The elder one also has ADHD. One thing that stuck out to me was how differently the child with PDA presented in comparison with the other one, even though they both ended up with the same ‘umbrella’ ASD diagnosis. I had concerns about the younger one as he was growing however he did not tick the ASD ‘boxes’ I expected, especially given my older one’s experience.

I would say - trust your gut. If you feel something isn’t right then pursue it.

I can highly recommend the Children’s Clinic in Dublin as being a kind and compassionate practice who were lovely to deal with. Another practice which I don’t have experience of directly but which I know others had good experience of is Childversity, which is in Kildare.

Be warned that private assessment isn’t cheap - I think ours was around €1,500 for a full multidisciplinary assessment a few years ago - but you may be able to claim some back from insurance if you have it.

Thank you so much for your reply. That’s the thing , I do feel something in my gut but is pda recognised in Ireland ? He doesn’t even fit that profile completely as in he’ll happily do most things and the things he wants to do, he definitely does . However he absolutely will argue to the point of not being able to stop when he can’t do something. The other thing which I can’t find any information on is that his behaviour is very cyclical , I’ve never heard of people talking about this so he’ll be getting on fine for a month and then at least once or maybe twice a month he’ll have very bad few days. My gp actually said this sounds very like migraine but I don’t know..
I guess that’s where I doubt things all the time.. the psychologist we saw met with him several times and said herself she had many , many years experience in this area and doesn’t see any “flags” for autism. He’s fine with changes of routine (actually loves going to different places etc) , fine with food , loves going to every group under the sun etc etc but is extremely difficult at home when he wants something and he can’t have it or we can’t do something he wants and can’t get past it. It sounds v minor but the behaviour is actually very extreme to the point where he will repeatedly ask and ask for whatever it is getting more and more irrate and upset. Again , it isn’t every time.
He clearly masks all this in school and in public which makes it more difficult for other people to pick up on things. We are in the west and we are veering towards private assessment. The thing is even with a diagnosis what can help ? I am actually friends with parents of children with diagnosed sn but high functioning and reality is they don’t really get much /any help tbh.

Coming at this from a slightly different angle, do you want a diagnosis, or do you want strategies and techniques to help him (and you) in developing more appropriate responses which will allow him to move through the world and the family with less stress and tension for all involved? IME a diagnosis in and of itself is of very little value (although a useful "ah so that's why xyz").

A psychologist should be able to help. And given the state of public services here I'd say if you have the money, look for an appointment in the private system.

My own experience was with a child who had a diagnosis but no access to therapeutic support. I reached out to someone who had an excellent reputation in the field and a therapist in her practice worked with my child for maybe a year and literally saved my sanity. The conflict in the house was so upsetting and draining before being given the tools and communication methods that allowed us to move things forward.

Wishing you the very best. I am another who would say, trust your gut: you know your child better than anyone else.

I think get a psychological assessment either way. Privately if you can. This will at very least point you in the right direction. Even if he doesn't fit the profile for a particular thing you will be able to get insight into how to manage him.

He sounds like my DS, argumentative for no reason and will just refuse to do things. It's very hard to explain but if you said 'quick pass me a towel' there is no way he would do it. Why do you need it, why should i, do it yourself. Anyone else would pass the towel and ask questions afterwards. This type of behaviour could go on many times a day in different circumstances. He is a teen now but that behaviour was insufferable from about 9 to 14. He is 16 now and much better. Unlike your ds he has a ASD and ADHD diagnosis with 'oppositional elements', I think that was the phrase used. He was diagnosed through HSE and to be honest there is little support anyway. I did a parenting course that briefly covered this type of argumentative behaviour and the advice was to not engage at all. I could say 'it's freezing out there' and he will start saying no it's not that's bullshit .. and I just say OK then and walk away. Even if what is saying is completely wrong. It's the only way to shut it down. Or leave natural consequences occur. If I say take a coat it's going to rain and he says no it won't, I say nothing and let him get wet. It sounds harsh but it's the only way. I left him alone going through airport security a few years ago because he was arguing that we don't need to empty water bottles out of our bags. He had his bottle confiscated and bag rummaged through, not exactly in a friendly way and he was upset. Next time I didn't have to tell him. It's so stressful and I have two other siblings to deal with too so I understand.

Sorry to answer your question, I would ask GP for referral to a child psychologist and take it from there.

I hugely appreciate the replies. Tbh I have to agree with what help we would get anyway in all reality ? I have friends whose children have been diagnosed and who actually have plenty of money and have accessed help and there’s v little to avail of and they have told me it’s made little help , more that they have to change their own approach. I have to say we’ve had experience of a play therapist (we paid for privately) and it wasn’t hugely helpful . We’ll be seeing the educational psychologist again and she really listened to our concerns . I never thought re parenting courses , that’s great advice .
I really , really relate to what you said above @Dontlletmedownbruce , mine would also argue to absolute death and I can’t even describe how wearing it is and how incredibly stressful it can be. I mean I have other kids who we have to deal with and we have boundaries and are firm but fair and it’s literally a walk in the park in comparison to my son. I love the bones of him and he is actually a hugely empathetic person and very good to his friends, his behaviour is great in school and he gets invited to lots of things. This is all positive of course but also quite difficult as we are dealing with extreme behaviour at home that is very hidden. I assume he’s masking in public . Also the one thing I have noticed for years is that it flares up ever few weeks…
Can I ask @Dontlletmedownbruce what changed at 16? Is your son on medication? Ironically I worked for years with teenagers with behavioural problems (abroad ) so I really really worry about teenage years as puberty can obviously exacerbate problems. It’s hard on my dh and I as we don’t have family support so we are dealing with it alone . It’s very difficult to explain and outwardly you can see an issue but if we have a day I can literally be getting palpitations dealing with him which makes me feel like an absolute failure tbh .

*outwardly you can’t see an issue

I can relate so much. I don't doubt the difficult attitude at home is partly due to masking all day. No, my DS isn't on medication he just seems to have matured a bit. That's another issue, he refused to take medication because he refused to believe he had a problem. When the educational psychologist through NEPS saw him age 10 he said she was a nosy bitch and wouldn't answer questions. From 5th class on he refused all SEN support at school and wouldn't engage with the team at all in secondary school. He said awful things, they think I'm a retard etc. I think on some level he hated that part of himself and couldn't deal with it. He went back to CAMHS recently re his ADHD and had a much more positive attitude and decided against medication but it was thought through and he was cooperative so we support his decision.

My DS is obsessed with sport, plays on multiple teams and works out every day he doesn't have training, sometimes in addition. I think this is his regulation and the more he works out the calmer he is. His schedule has taken over our lives but we know it's important.

One thing i regret is I wish I had known to go to OT with him when we was younger. I went with DS2 for other issues and it was a game changer. I think as a start maybe you should try going to OT privately and just see what they say, they may point you in the right direction. If nothing else you might get some pointers on behaviour management strategies.

As for your own stress I don't know really. I internalised a lot and often felt I was going to implode. DH would immediately get angry and have a blazing row with DS, this caused huge problems for other kids and really damaged our relationship. We are still recovering and I blame Dh more for this, he would say he couldn't help it because DS annoyed him. Someone had to remain calm and it has to be me. I became the expert in using a calm voice but internally I felt like I was crumbling. Family times and holidays made me so anxious, sometimes as I heard DS coming in the door the knot would tighten in my tummy and I would have to deep breathe for a few minutes just to gain the strength to say hello how was your day. There was a period of a few months around 12 where i completely disengaged from DS, I avoided all conversations and would leave the room if I could. It sounds awful but I honestly felt it was survival at the time. The covid years were so awful and the stress was affecting me badly in the following years.

Things improved slowly and so gradually I didn't even notice. i just realised a few months ago that I don't dread things anymore and this Summer on holiday we had some lovely moments. We choose our battles very carefully and DS possibly is spoilt a bit as a result. I couldn't care about things like his room being clean, for example. We definitely tread on eggshells a bit but we have also gotten better at reading him, if he has a big match coming he gets really aggressive for example but i ignore everything he says and tell younger ones to do this too then we have a firm talk afterwards rather than screaming row right before kick off. Its still tough and its funny cos to the outside world DS is a polite handsome, athletic kid who works hard at school, a bit of a golden child really. Oh the irony.

@Dontlletmedownbruce thank you so much, hugely helpful. And thanks for all the replies, in “real life” my dh and I have no one to talk to re. this . Although the school have listened and been helpful they don’t see the behaviour and we both have no family support. Thanks again. We just want to do the best for our son and also we need to find coping mechanisms ourselves.