Not an only child any more (maybe)

[shookUp]

Just wondering if this has happened to anyone else. Which is a stupid question as there is a whole program with multiple series about this very thing.

I found out that my mum had a baby 15 years before I was born when she was 17. She passed away ten years ago. This baby was adopted. I don't think anyone knew but I'm not sure I'll ever know for sure.

A millions questions and a whole spectrum of emotions....

Anyone else?

It sounds like this has rocked you. It’s such a pity none of your questions can be answered. I honestly don’t think your situation is unique in Ireland.

Not in a similar situation myself. I do know of a relative that had a child years in her teens that was adopted. Her parents and siblings knew but it was kept hush from everyone else as she was sent away ‘working’ for a while. She has never told her husband or children and I think that because it’s been secret for over 45 years then it’s probably impossible for her to ever tell her husband and children about it. I think women who kept this secret were likely traumatised by it. I know that doesn’t give you the answers you seek OP.

You could contact Tusla and use their tracing service, I believe. Might be worth checking out if that's road you wanted to go down.

I was just recently talking to a friend and both of us had recently come across something similar in our families. In both cases is was one of the genetic testing sites that had thrown up the information. That might be a route if you want to try and find your sibling.

It is a lot to have to grapple with and I can imagine that your mum not being alive makes the questions and shock factor even harder to work through. I wouldn't rush into anything but take a bit of time to consider if you'd like to find your sibling. There's no right or wrong decision.

It's not as unusual as you might think! I know someone who's brother was traced by the programme Long Lost Families

Thank you for the replies.

So I found this out through TUSLA who contacted me. My mum was in one of those mother and baby units for nearly a year and I don't think anyone ever knew. I don't know what to think. It is so overwhelming. To think what she went through - in that place and then having to give up her baby - it was so cruel.

Everyone keeps telling me how exciting this is. I'm not so sure that is the right word.

I would suggest that, because of your mum had the baby at 17, it's quite likely that her family knew, potentially not your grandfather or any male relatives, but more than likely your grandmother, as at the age of 17 there would have been so much to organise, from medical appointments with a doctor in the know to social workers and solicitors dealing with the legalities of formal adoption. It would have been way beyond the scope of an overwhelmed 17 year-old to arrange all that. Do you have any aunts you could speak to?

Have Tusla contacted you because your sibling has been in touch with Tusla to request their birth info? Is your sibling aware of your existence?

No one to speak to as everyone has passed away.

Yes they have reached out because my sibling has been in touch and would like to meet.

I was a bit excited by the prospect but right now can't get past what she would have gone through in the mother/baby home. And how it affected her for the remainder of her life. How can you love another baby/child when your first has been stolen and the guilt/shame that the church would no doubt have made sure were instilled in every molecule of her body (sorry feeling a bit angry about this now too).

It is what it is and you can't change the past.

Reading threads on Mumsnet has shown me how there can be different perspectives.
We don't know the circumstances of your sibling's conception.
Was it loving or a sexual attack ?

What a shame your Mum has died and never got the chance to meet your sibling again, if that is what your Mum wanted.
But you can.

Do you have any aunts or uncles on her side? A good friend of hers ? She may have confided in someone .

Sad to think of what she might have suffered at the time . But she did go on to marry your father and have you which must have brought her great joy .
It is a shameful and disgusting period in our social history . But you and your possible half sister should not let this evil time mean that it has to continue . Please meet her , it may bring you both some happiness for your futures. 💐

My Mum 'Anna' was the abandoned child... Her parents put her and her siblings into a children's home temporarily when they divorced, and never came back. She has recently been contacted by her half sister 'Beth' on her Mum's side, who amazingly lives less than 10 mins away. They have got on like a house on fire and really value each other. Anna was curious to see if her Mum was a good mother to Beth, and curious about family history of disease etc as she had none of that information. Beth had no idea that Anna had been abandoned, and had a bit of a hard time coming to terms with the concept that her loving mother had abandoned other kids. So there has been processing to do on both sides, and a bit of grieving, but the benefits of their friendship/relationship have vastly outweighed that.