Am in complete shock. DH has accrued huge debts on credit cards, I've just found out. What can I do?

[skinnymalinki]

On impulse, I have just rummaged through the bin and pieced together all the torn up,unopened envelopes for his personal credit card statements.

He is in serious debt and he hasnt said a word about it to me.

There's a pattern.Everything seems to be put on a direct debit for the minimum repayment then he opens a new credit card account and starts again. We're talking thousands and thousands of pounds.

I am not working, am at home with toddler.
Am I liable for these massive debts on his credit cards too then?

They have a detailed account of how to clear the browsing history.Think i did it right.

Small town. Library pc is in full view of everyone.
CAB is lady that is an acquaintance.
Will use public phone tomorrow and ring them.

First of all, don't blame yourself. He chose
to hide the debt from you. Sounds like he has an inability or unwillingness to live within his means. Like my ex h.

As you have no equity in the house, you have nothing financially to lose by leaving. If you're not working and have a toddler and older children you should be eligible for help (sorry not my field of expertise)

Sounds like you're having a hard time of it. I'm usually pro - marriage but in your case, I think you need to leave. You're being mentally destroyed by him.

Good luck, be strong!

Women's Aid could talk you through your options, recommend a local solicitor experienced in these issues, offer you temporary accommodation if necessary. You could phone them from a phone box or some groups have a discreet public office where you could pop in and talk to someone.

There may be no violence currently but there is threat of violence in your relationship. Your doctor and counsellor both say Domestic Abuse. You should not confront him with your knowledge of the debts while you are alone with him. Get some plans and backup in place first.

You need to know you can secure your home for yourself and DC's.

Contact the mortgage company and confirm with them whether or not there are any arrears on the account. If it is OK ask for a note to be put on the account that if a payment is missed they contact you at your mobile number - explain the situation. Believe me, it will not be the first time they will have heard this. If you feel more comfortable, ask to speak to a female manager.

Ask them for details of the further advance and copies of the application forms. Unfortunately I know of many cases where the wife has signed apps for loans without realising it / checking what is happening. However, if he has forged your signature at least you can get a solicitor to take that up for you.

If you think he has spyware on your pc, take it to a local computer shop and ask them to check it - he might be bluffing you.

Credit card companies will only talk to you if you are on the account.

If you do a credit search on him I think he can see who has initiated the search so check that out first.

The credit cards companies can't force a sale of the house - BUT if he has taken out second charges (like additional mortgages) on the house they could go for the house if you go into arrears. Ask a solictor to do a search against the house to check there are no other charges on it.

Sorry to rattle on at length - please post and let us know how things go.

Oh - and if your OH does read this - be a man for once and sort this mess out so that your wife and child can live without fear - emotional / physical / security

This is definitely emotional abuse. He is controlling you in a very unpleasant way, AND is putting you and your children at risk.

Start counselling again, go to your GP or HV and ask if they offer 'freedom training' for abused women in your area, contact Women's Aid.

The financial issues are only a small part of your real problem. You can't live like this, bring up a child like this.

Oh - and it isn't your fault. Of COURSE you believed it was all ok re big salary coming in, and he has clearly engineered it so that you believe exactly what he wants you to believe.

Including that he will kill himself.

sorry i didnt go online last night. He came home.
I did confront him. He lied and said it was a small amount and when he realised I knew the real figures he said ok then, yes. But that I was demanding and willing to spend it.
He then said he was relieved I knew and that we could work out a payment plan to pay eveything off over the coming years and seemeda all jolly that we're in this together etc. I understand the relief he must feel but that doesnt excuse it.

Thats all fine but instead of being shaky and upset Im really cross aswell.

Thank you all, really good advice.I am following each one step by step thank you.I feel more in control today. Will come back later.

well done Skinny I'm glad that you managed to speak to him about it and that he didn't react as badly as you expected.

Blu is so right above, this isn't your fault. I hope you can find some help, the freedom training sounds like an excellent idea.

Good luck

Hi Skinny, sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. My DP has run up debts due to gambling so I have some idea of how you may be feeling. It has been a long road but he has finally admitted the extent of his problem, taken measures to prevent it happening again and attends GA regularly. Unfortunately its only when someone is able to see they have a problem that they can begin to seek help.

Can I ask a question? Do you think it is realistic that you have spent this money on general living expenses? If not it is possible that he has spent money on something else- gambling or OW possibly.

I am sorry to add to your worry- I just hope you can get a true picture of the problem so you can decide how to protect you and DCs.

FWIW, I too think his behaviour sounds very controlling. Its not right that you are afraid of him.

Thinking of you.

I am glad everything went well when you confronted him about the credit cards.

I'm not sure you can trust him to stick to this though, so would second the advice you were given about squirrelling away some savings that he doesnt know about just in case.

As I said before, given that he is checking what you write on the computer, checking your mobile, twists everything so it is your fault, has been violent, I dont think this is the main problem in your marriage, tbh.

Would really urge you to get some professional advice from CAB/Solicitor/WA. I know you said the lady in CAB is an aquaintance but could you use another branch.

Love your nickname btw - my mum used to call me that (sadly I'm not sure it applies any more!)

Just bumping this to see how things are.......

I have experience of this from within my family. If he does not admit to the reason, which can often be hidden, then the problem will never go away.

From what you have said, it looks as though he basically spends more than he earns, puts it on credit cards and then re-mortgages the house to pay the cards off before it all starts up again. You cannot win until he stops that and he probably needs counselling.

As to whether you stay or go, then you have to work that one out for yourself. It will be a struggle to go forward but you are a stay at home mum and just what could you do work wise were you on your own ? That is a practical scenario.

I would get over to forums.moneysavingexpert.com/ and make your case there. They can give you some good advice.

I think you should start saving for yourself as much as possible and ASAP. YOu say this is a repeat of your father's behaviour. Yes, we do tend to repeat our parents mistakes, especially if they were abusive- and your H most certainly is. YOur father is the reason you put up with your H, but none of it is your fault IYSWIM.
Firstly I am that he has tried to put the blame onto you. There is no remorse and he hasn't assumed any responsibility but has effectively said its 50% down to you. But if you knew what the financial situation was you probably wouldn't have carried on living comfortably, would you? You'd probably have tried to budget within your means. But he and you are forgetting one thing: you didn't know because he kept you in the dark. Next time he tries to say you did this, keep that in mind.

THe fact he's tracing your computer is BAD. Really bad. Weird, stalkerish type behaviour, but you know this anyway. The fact he threatened you with suicide when you tried to leave is also very very bad. I just want to tell you that if he ever does commit suicide then that will have been his decision and noone elses. If he chooses to take his own life (and it is a choice) then he only has himself to blame and I am so at people who try to trap others with this kind of emotional blackmail.

Hope you are strong enough to get out . I have tiny children too and I know how vulnerable it makes you. Can you think about looking around for a job to start regaining some independence and extra cash (not for your husband's debts but for your "leaving fund")?

Skinny So sorry for what you are going through. My mother did this to my father. She even maxed out his credit cards after he died! Anyhow, your H telling you he'll kill himself if you leave is emotional blackmail. Awful to be put through that. I just got an Equifax report for my DH. I rang and it was automated and all needed was his birthday and SIN number... for you it be NI number. Its a report, not a rating, and it gives details about account activities, open and closed ones, and a list of the people who have recently enquired/credit checked him. Because you are acting as him, you do not show up as one of the enquirers. Plus its free... takes about 3 days in the mail. I hope all the best for you.

I suggest you seek professional advice as these professionals deal with matters like this all the time and will be able to give you the right advice you need to help your situation. A really good site for debt advice etc is talkaboutdebt.co.uk, it gives free advice and there is a also a good Q&A section with peoples similar experiences and answers to their problems. Worth a look.

Can I just point out that looking up someone's credit report without their permission is illegal. If he finds out you did this then you could be in serious trouble.

Good luck with everything.

Yes you are liable as a married partner so you cant hide under the blanket and hope it all goes away. Its 50/50 whats your is mine and mine is yours. Say for instance you divorsed then these debts would have to come out of the estate sale.

He is lying and you can no longer trust him - he is messing with your life and home. My first husband did similar but not living the high life. After that it all went down hill.

Please believe me when I say he's not going to sort it. C/c debits dont just go away. The only way is to settle them with a mortgage or loan which will backfire on you either way. These c/c companies love him as he is accuring great interest payments and he is paying. When he filled in the credit application form he must of ticked the box "home owner" so these companies have comeback.

I understand what you say that you have a nice comfortable life but now you know what is going on its no-longer a safe life. Marriage is based on trust and he has broken that.

Its easy for me to say, but I really think you should leave him and seek serious financial help before the hole gets bigger. You may get out of this ok but if you leave it any longer you could be dragged down and yes it is your problem.

Best of luck and keep us informed x

might be worth checking if they are perhaps balance transfers?
But it does sound like he is secretive and I'd def mistrust him on that basis, I thunk the few details you've given show enough of a pattern for you to be concerned
Decent professional advice asap xx

I think what the OP has described is a very destructive relationship based on secrecy, deceipt, selfishness and bullying rather than love or respect. The debt, as some have said already, is just the tip of the ice-berg. She's being kept in the dark rather than treated as an equal. She's afraid of confrontation because of a vicious temper, & because he monitors her phone and PC etc ... controlling, bullying behaviour of the worst kind. And even the threat to kill themselves on the part of the DH is just another type of emotional blackmail - I am in no doubt that it's just a tool to keep her oppressed rather than a serious threat.

If the OP was a friend of mine I would be advising that the next time DH goes away on a trip she packs her bags, takes her child and goes to stay with a friend or relative. Sometimes the best thing to achieve in these situations is 'distance'. If you live with someone it's easy for them to play on your affections and remind you of all the good times. When you've had time and space to think things through you'll see things as they really are.

He sounds like a thoroughly nasty, insecure piece of work - and if you're saying 'but he's really nice once you get to know him' then you really do need to get away for your own sake.

If you need to use the phone unchecked why not pick up a cheap PAYG sim and simply swap sims on the mobile to use the phone undetected
Really feel for you it sounds like you are in a very low place and only you can climb out of it. Wish you loads of courage and strength.

been there. If they're only in his name he is responsible for them, end of.
What I did was to get authorisation on all my husband's debts so I could deal witht he creditors as he was just ignoring them which is the worse thing to do, just talking to them helps. I'm now in charge of all the debts, mine and his and shortly will be adding his debts to my debt management programme for lower payments. interest and charges are frozen and the issue is reviewed every six months. It's not ideal but it's better than all the hideous phone calls and letters

It sounds like he wants to sort it out together which is a good sign. I went back to full time work when the babies were 2 weeks old. I do think that women working full time can solve a lot of these problems as you'd then have two wages and earning would not all be down to him.

I think everyone should have total disclosure in marriages and open and see everything. I don't understand how things can be hidden. Why can't people looka t and see each other's credit card statements, have passwords to the accounts. Yu're together for life and love each other. Why have financial secrets?

What a awful society we live in when people are forced back to work within a fortnight of giving birth.

ahem - old thread chaps.....

That's a very ery sexist comment kats though, isn't it? If your husband was back after 2 weeks no one would suggest there were anything wrong. If I choose to be back in 2 weeks and adore it and the babies find it better because they then bond properly and have routines with their parents and carer rather than being ripped form their mother's arms at 7 months or a year then why is that awful? It's arguably the best way to be, win win all round. The only down side is expressing the milk but it's much better for mothers and babies. You get a rest each day at work and come home refreshed having had an adult day to enjoy yoru baby just as men do. It is the way to go.

My Xenia your a prickly one.

The comment was intended only as an observation on society and, in that context, you will note that I was being gender neutral by saying "people are forced back".

Or do you mean I was being sexist gainst men?