My husband cannot understand that budgeting should be a family team work

[IsItatrashmarriage]

Not sure is the post going to be long:

I married my husband with 0 savings and no salary though found work fast once we married and since he had the salary for mortgage and bills, all this is on his name. He never asked me for money to contribute etc, just would buy for me whatever I need, then we had a baby. Never lacking. My money went into my account.

He however has never been quite in love with me, thought now is totally scared if I go. We had hardships. I keep very small and very part time job but keeps adding. He suddenly said he has not got money left in the end of this month and however keeps buying things without asking me. I keep buying things with my money for me and the child etc

I told him to show me the food bills so I can measure how much I can help him, he just ignored me. I don't know what he is scared of. I know how many hours he works and is paid for , he knows the same for me.

I am starting to think he is autistic because few things in his communication are not quite spot on

Our daughter adores him and he has always been a fun and helpful father, does a lot of chores...

Is this a shit marriage according to mumsnetters

So you were initially 100% subsided by him?

Have I read that correctly?

Yes, you have read it wrong. We are married

Im a tad confused here

So if Im reading right, DH has had the income and has paid all living costs - mortgage , rates, bills and food, and you have held a down part times jobs and your money pays for the childs bits and your own?

How have you allowed this to happen?

A marriage is a joint responsibility. You are both responsible in making the choices on where income is earned and spent surely?

When you got married what had you discussed re finances ? What changes did you discuss when your child was born?

Do you two never sit down and say " this is what's coming in, this is needing to go out, that's what's left, what are we doing with that? "

No, it is more specific even. He did not want to get married with me, then married me not sure why he changed his mind, then now he cannot live without me. I did not have a great paying job and he has steady self employment, so naturally he would buy absolutely everything for the whole family, allowing me to save my salary knowing I am a woman and did not have any maternity package. NMW job, you get pregnant, you just leave, not really going into maternity.

He would discuss household items, decorating, cars, etc with me and often would buy what I like

But at the same time he would prefer separate accounts. With the cost of living crisis he lost all his savings and I actually have some and want to help him but he is very defensive showing me the whole food bill even though I can see the receipts with my own eyes.

He has never cheated and is always home working or when goes to his office, comes back on time. I do not get what he is afraid of

Does he feel that providing is his responsibility and budgeting is his job? If so he might feel like you doing it is his failure? Not saying this is the right way but trying to understand whats in his head.

Or is he possibly burying his head and not wanting to admit what the financial situation is?

I believe that in a marriage budgeting should be team work but understand that doesn't always happen.

Yes, I think he feels that a man does bill paying this way and this is why he has never been tough on me for having small salaries and keeping it on me or spending on the child and me and so on ...

I can see how you are kind of explaining, but it doesn't explain

My DH is also self employed ( builder ) and hes been able to earn in a day or two what has taken me a week to earn

How did you feel you didn't have your own responsibilities to contribute what you could?

To marry a man who didn't want to marry you? There's so much going on here that's not being spoken about ( Im not asking you to clarify ) that it seems to me that moving forward is going to be near on impossible. You dont talk You need to be able to talk with honesty

It sounds like his money is family money,your money is your money?

He just wasn't sure how much I correspond to the ideal of a woman he had in mind when dating me, he's a bit of a pathetic literature guy so believed in romance. I am liked however as a woman and always got offers whole dating him so he realised he's a twatt to lose me and married me. I didn't have anyone else left in life so could not just break up even though thought about it. So we married and he fell in love with my persona or whatever one calls this

But I think he's nd

'Yes, you read it wrong, we are married.'

You may have been married. But you weren't earning. Therefore he subsidised you because you had no money of your own.

No, it's the other way round. He never wanted shared finance and initially I had 0 money. So he started us on the family finance. I have had , still have various part time jobs and made some savings.

It's family money.

You sound very entitled and that he has caught on to a discrepancy in how youve portrayed yourself prior to marriage. You also sound if im honest a little down about how he currently views you. Are you able to say what you actually want in the marriage in terms of finances. As it is be careful in seoeration its a short marriage

So he’s hiding how much money is spent on food? He sounds controlling tbh and as though he is hiding finances. Maybe so that you would contribute more. But you said you work part time and have to provide for you and your child?

You’re right budgeting should be team work.

if he keeps buying random things then tell him maybe we can sell so and so we don’t use and sell it
or show him things that he’s bought that is clutter…

OP - are you saying that he wanted/felt he needed to pay all the costs, but is now complaining he doesn’t have enough money but won’t give you any access so you can help budget?

What would you like to happen?