Just realised we’re struggling

[Theroadnottravelled]

I used to have a well paid FT job in the city, was the higher earner for my family (2 DC) and we had enough to live, do things and save (although v high mortgage and still one in nursery so high costs) I had a mental breakdown with exhaustion earlier this year and had to stop working/commuting. My DH stepped up and I got a new part time basic local job paying a small amount but finances are tight despite cutting back on everything. I’ve just asked for supermarket vouchers from my in-laws for my birthday to contribute to a food shop. I’m constantly anxious about money. Feel very sad it’s come to this. Everything is so costly now, and no room for luxuries. I’m educated, had a career but have nothing to show for it.

You’ve had a tough time so give yourself a break. It is expensive at the moment and that is very unlikely to change. If you’re doing a less stressful job could you pick up more hours in the future when you’re ready? It may help to see this as a short term period rather than being anxious that this is what life is like. You will be able to pick up a better paying role that doesn’t cause you to have a breakdown but that is something for the future. Sit tight, cut back, accept that it is how it is and that it isn’t forever.

Just try and focus getting yourself better. It can take a while to recover from burnout. I'm sure you have something to show for it - have you been able to buy a nice house / furnish or renovate it / make lovely memories and holiday with kids / etc? Also your job will have been a good for your CV, and you've picked up a lot of skills. No need to be downbeat!

Right now have some downtime, work less, enjoy the small things in life. Go for long walks and reconnect with nature, spend time with your family and friends, take up a hobby, practise mindfulness. You worrying about the money won't change the situation one bit, it will just prolong your recovery. You are making ends meet, you are OK. When the time is right and you are better, I'm sure you can look into increasing your income, but don't rush into it.

Also, it may take a bit of time to get used to the lower income, but perhaps you can take a look at the expenditure and find ways to shave off a bit here and there? Drop down a "category" when food shopping (I.e if you're buying branded, drop to store brand; if you're shopping store brand, drop to value). Or change from Sainsbury's/ Tesco / M&S to Lidl/ Aldi. Do you have any subscriptions that aren't necessary - Audible, Amazon, Spotify, Disney, razors, Hello Fresh, magzines, etc etc? Could you get cheaper broadband or fix energy? Are you paying for sky etc? Do the kids (or you) really need branded clothes on everything or could some items be bought from Primark / supermarkets? Switch two week holidays abroad to long weekend domestic?

Head over to Money Saving Expert sites and check the boards, lots of ideas there.

All the best and hope you feel better soon x

Threads like this upset me a little, OP. I don’t think you realise how lucky you are. You have a husband who’s been able to step up for you so that you can take on a part time role and leave your previous job. You have two children, and I’m assuming a house. Plus you’ve had a career. That’s so much on show.

Some people have never moved out from their parents home, never married, never found someone to have children with, may have always worked a menial job, may live in extreme poverty or insecure work. Some people or families even live in temporary accommodation or are fleeing domestic violence. Things can change and improve for you. Try not to focus on what you have lost, but on what you’ve already accomplished in life.

I am not sharing this with you to put you down, but to help you appreciate what you do have right now. Things can change as well. Perhaps consider some therapy or counselling to help you with your burnout and change perspective.

You have so much. I hope you realise that x

Do you think that's helpful? There will always be someone who is worse off than someone else. @Theroadnottravelled is struggling with the change in her circumstances and wanted to share her feelings. She doesn't need to be feeling guilty because she has a DH or children, or a house.

Is there a happy medium somewhere between full time high powered city job with a commute and small part time job? Like working more hours in a less stressful environment or part time in something more highly paid? It’s no good if you swap one form of stress (work) for another (financial).

Just offering a different perspective - not intended to guilt!

You’ve told the OP that threads like this upset you … how is that helpful to her ? She has suffered a breakdown which must be terrible for her

Such a silly post. Taken to its logical conclusion none of us can ever complain because we don’t live in the The Sudan or somewhere else awful.

OP has a house that has a whopping great mortgage. If they can't keep repayments they will lose their home. How does your perspective help with that?

She is giving a viewpoint.

@MintChocCat it isn't a race to the bottom. The op had a mental breakdown so pretty likely therapy is, or has been sought.

@Theroadnottravelled I was in the same boat aged 34 ( long time ago now ) complete breakdown, a year off work, tried a phased return and ended up resigning as I couldnt even face going through the ill health retirement process

This was three years into our mortgage , which ok wasnt massive but the worry of paying that on one wage , paying the car , the loans and living was excruciating

It took me another year before I could even think about getting part time work

We survived it. Weren't easy, the hardest was loosing the lifestyle we had before , but we over time got used to living a more simple life

During that year, because I was at home , I got on top of our finances . I joined MSE and read up on everything . I learned how to get the loans onto interest free cards, how to switch energy providers, how to move money around accounts to make use of switching bonuses. I found every ruddy discount code, I swapped where we shopped to get the best deals on loyalty points and I changed our eating habits - no longer something quick and easy out of the ready made selections, everything we ate was cooked from scratch and I became an expert on yellow sticker shopping. Our entertainment outside the house was free - there is so much free stuff going on - especially in cities , or using vouchers from loyalty points. Everything we didn't want/need - we sold on eBay

We still live mostly like this now, sure we went back to a time of relative ease, but old age and aches and pains now mean DH has had to semi retire, I still only work PT and the cost of living is so high. We now sell unwanted stuff on FB, I still yellow sticker shop, we make use of. the community fridge , use discount codes etc

You need to focus on you , on you gaining your strength and maybe look at training for something different going forward. Ive never been able to go back into an office envoirement , I took up cooking eventually, spent 15 years cooking in a pub - proper food, not ding ding - loved it. Got the buzz of the pressure but not the dread of what will tomorrow bring

Be kind to yourself

Wow. Thank you so much for the mostly supportive messages. I’ve read every one. I do acknowledge that I’m lucky in some ways. I just found the change of circumstances hard to take. My DH has been great but has found the change hard too. I don’t want my kids to miss out. I buy second hand clothes anyway, don’t spend much on myself. I will focus on what I can do and then reassess as I go.

There’s more to life and more to being ‘successful’ at life than having a high flying career. Redefine what you see as success and failure. You have a family, children, experience, self awareness. All huge huge positives in life. You’ve overcome a tough time. Not easy to do at all. Don’t let the emotional pressure interfere with your decision making - practical needs mean can you up your hours a bit? Take on another side job? Don’t associate these things with failure- they’re not at all. Easier said than done I know. Best of luck to you Xo

Your mental and physical health has to come first, it’s more important than anything else.

Can you move into a smaller house? They might remove the pressure entirely.

In time, you will start to feel better. You have to prioritise your self care, it comes bevire all else not just in the short term but the long term too.

Burn out is a result of doing more than your body can take for too ling, it is a safety mechanism - there to ensure your survival. Try to enbrace it rather feel sadness. Oh course you miss being comfortable financially, the adjustment is so hard but at least you are still here, your health is recovering and your children need a mother op.

In your place embrace the simplicity. Simple meals. Back to basics life and nurturing yourself and your closest family fur a while.

Horrendous typos! Sorry it’s too early 😊

Do you spend more on nursery than on your part time job? Could you stay at home for a while?

Ignore if this would make your situation even worse.

The usual advice in that situation is move to a smaller house and/or a cheaper area.

You’re telling someone who has had a breakdown how lucky they are? What a horrible response. Can none of us ever complain because there is always someone worse off?

OP, your children will certainly not be missing out. What they need is a healthy present mother, and taking a step back has allowed you to be this person.

I would recommend you take a look at the Money Saving Expert debt free diaries forum. It’s essentially a forum where people share their experiences of reducing their outgoings and is jam packed with inspiring ways to do this.

I was in a similar position to you some years ago. I just couldn’t take the pressure of my so-called high flying job and was actually made redundant. This allowed me to re-group and focus on what was important. Like people above have said, I cooked from scratch, baked, looked into free activities in my neighbourhood, bought virtually everything we needed secondhand. One of my children is now at University, with another soon to follow. They often tell me that they loved their childhood because I was always their for them, unlike a lot of other parents of their friends who had demanding jobs.

It took a lot of cost-cutting, and re-focusing on the importance things in life (family/nature/my garden/yoga etc)but for me it was worth it. Our consumer society tries to brainwash us into thinking we need lots of ‘stuff’. We really don’t. It sounds like you are both able to cover the essentials (mortgage/bill set ). So join the library (most libraries give free access to an online app that gives you access to newspapers/magazines/audio books etc) and make the most of free stuff. Most importantly, breath. You’ve got this!

Even leaving aside the breakdown and change in job, the nursery years are extortionate and it’s not unusual to find them difficult financially. How old is/are DC?

I’d echo advice above about seeing how you could save money as well as bringing in more. But please be kind to yourself, you deserve to feel well.

And responses like this “upset” me a little. OP doesn’t need to hear that you have been upset by her breakdown. Jesus Christ.

All of which is a big upheaval, even if it is inevitable.

Rather than focusing on what you've lost, look at what that job allowed you to gain. There's a reason many people don't do these kinds of jobs long term.

Think of that job as the right one for a period of your life but accept that it's okay to say 'this isn't working anymore '. It's not failure, it's recognising life has changed. You wouldn't expect to carry on partying like you did in your 20s while also trying to raise toddlers. It's the same scenario with work.

I think you need to let go of that period but decide what's next for you. What transferable skills do you have? What do you want to do? Or are you happy in that job and something else needs to change e.g sell the house and downsize or move area.

You seem stuck half in half out of your previous world. It's gone and at some stage you'll be comfortable that these changes were for the best.

I find having no plans or not making a decision stressful. Once it's done, even if it's bad in terms of needing to move etc, I can gain comfort from the practicalities of putting the necessary things in motion. Perhaps it's time for some long term thinking now you are past the crisis point.

Oddly it's probably a positive sign in that while you were in crisis you couldn't see it but now you can it means things are changing.

You had a tough time and you needed to put your mental and physical health 1st for now. It probably by now that your beginning to feel better and may want to make some changes that will improve your own life long term. Perhaps moving into a smaller house in a less expensive area near good primary and secondary schools could be better for your family long term. A lower mortgage would help with your general cash flow both now and in the future.

I know that your working part time at the moment and that's good for you as it giving you an income, getting you out of the house and socialising with people. Also you might be learning new skills that could help you get a better job down the line when you're health is better ot when your kids are a bit older. The baby and small kid stage is hard with the cost of childcare.

I found that tic tock has a lot of creators that have been in debit and got out of it. They often give advice about how they did this. Then other creators are showing how to shop better, get deals ect because of the cost of living.
Mercedes NHS Mum Struggles has some good advice regarding cash back apps.
She use an app called jam doughnut. She also has a money saving guide.
Also October on a budget, Veronica money coach both have good advice or tips to save you money.

I would also look at Martin Lewis website as it has offers, discounts and advice that may help you.
Look at your bills and see if could could change suppliers to get a better deal like a SIM only phone plan ect. Some companies offer cash backs as well to move to them. A few hours online could save you money.

I just want to say as well that your not the only person finding the cost of living hard at the moment and I hope the above helps you out. For clothes and household stuff I would look in charity shops especially one in the more well healed areas.

You need to remember that your doing what's best for your health now and your qualifications, experience ect are not a waste. Your working at the moment and it easier to get a job when your already in work. Perhaps staying where you are works well for your own health and for your family.