Ex claims benefits for kids I have

[Dendad]

So I’m a dad (step) in 1 kids case there’s actually 3 kids but the 17 year old lives with mum the 10 year old boy whose not biologically mine & the 6 year old who is biologically mine are with me 10 year old has been with me since sept 23 6 year old since nov 29 & ex is claiming the benefits for them. I wouldn’t have a problem with this if she was forwarding them to me but since iv had 10 year old she’s sent me £205 & some vouchers from the school. Also im currently homeless & we live in 1 room in my parents home currently so not ideal. They also go to school in Carlisle but I live in Gretna so im paying a fortune in diesel every month around £240 keeping them in school so as not to unsettle them more than they are already unsettled. My ex refuses to send any more money & has blocked me on WhatsApp after sending £50 for this month to feed & clothe them both which equates to £6.25 each a week iv had to buy him new shoes for school & a new bag & for the 6 year old tights skirts a bag & shoes in the last month & all I asked her for was help am I being unreasonable when she’s getting every penny for them? Any advice on what I can do & if 10 year old not being biologically mine will have any impact please I’m desperate & struggling I have £50 to my name to last until feb 3rd & I’m not sure what I can do

I’m in Gretna yea they go to school in Carlisle

And Gretna is Scotland yea

If just your 10 year old DSS was living with you (and only for a very short time) when you spoke to the housing officer, it may have been correct advice as you have no legal relationship to the child, no parental responsibility or court order or formal arrangement with his parents. Now that your DS is living with you too, that is a different situation legally.

Where is your DSS’s father? Even if his father has no contact, he will have to be involved (or be given the opportunity to be involved) if he has parental responsibility if you want to get get parental responsibility or a lives with order or a CAO for your DSS.

You need to get proper legal advice. CAB or a free legal clinic (eg at a university) could be your first step. Ask on the legal board here for advice to get you started over the weekend. You need to involve social services and go back to housing now the situation has changed since your first meeting.

If they were both your DC, moving schools might be in their best interests if this is a permanent arrangement. You can’t do that if you don’t have PR for your DSS unless his parents agree though.

They are well fed better than me they have a drs & a dentist both attend after school clubs football etc which I help run they have everything they need & most of what they ask for within reason they are well looked after their every need is met by myself the kids are my whole universe I love having them with me honestly being a dad is the greatest thing that’s happened in my life & being called dad is the the thing I’m most proud of just need some help & advice which you have all kindly offered & im very grateful for it all

Sorry I’m struggling with the abbreviations dss I’m assuming you mean the 10 year old neither of my step kids have anything to do with their dads haven’t even met them ex claimed they were abusive relationships but as she’s claimed the same about me I doubt all she has told me regarding this as her own dad has said I’m far too soft & she’s using that to keep the money while I keep the kids

But if the dc are still registered at your ex address for all those services, school etc it makes demonstrating that they live with you full time trickier. Unfortunately you would need to go down legal routes, supported by ss and school, to establish this. Is moving back to Carlisle possible?

I agree but OP isn’t working, he has no money for legal advice. As a first step, he can get some free basic advice next week. CAB may be able to signpost him to local or national organisations who might be able to help, give advice on legal aid etc. Student clinics are usually supervised by tutors. They ought to be able to outline the complicated legal position, although the help will be limited.

Yes. DSS means stepson, DS means your biological son,

It doesn’t matter if your stepsons have no contact or involvement with their biological fathers. If they have legal parental responsibility (which they almost undoubtedly will have from a legal perspective), they must be included in proceedings. That doesn’t mean they will get the final say but their views must be taken into account when deciding what is best for the DC.

I strongly suggest you use the report button to ask MN to move you post to the legal board where you may get better advice. Perhaps ask them to edit the title to something like “England/Scotland family law advice - single parent sole carer for step and biological DC” to make it clearer what help you need. This is about much more than benefits.

There is a certain order that things have to be done. The council were not helpful about housing because at that stage the 10 year old was not with you formally and legally.

Step 1. - You need to be legally recognised as their permanent carer / parent. Social services can help with the 10 year old. As the 6 year old is already yours, there is no issue.
The very last thing that SS will want to do is take the children into care - because that costs a fortune and is not a good option. They will almost certainly be very glad to leave the 10 year old with you.

Step 2. - put in a Universal Credit and Child Benefit claim for both children. Their mother will be contacted re the duplicate claim, and will likely dispute it, but you should be prepared to fight this.

Step 3. - once Social Services have formalised the arrangement re the 10 year old, consider putting in a claim for child maintenance from the mother - but be wary of this if it will upset the situation and complicate things. Only do it if you really have to.

Step 4. - go back to the council and explain that you are the legal parent (and single parent) to the children and get put on the waiting list for housing.
At that stage, it may help if your parents state to the council that they want you to move out ASAP and that staying there long-term is not an option, as that will mean that you are technically homeless (staying temporarily with family still counts as homeless, you don't have to be on the streets)

Best of luck

My advice (I'm not an expert) would be to contact the council as you are private fostering, ask what benefits you are entitled to and help with housing. You need some expertise , you're not doing anything wrong and are actually preventing a child going into care. Where I live you would get helped. Keep going Dad your doing. A good job x

Again where I live they would be snapping your hand off for you to keep him, Mom will have to consent but sounds like she has x

Child benefit is the main evidence of resident parent, you need to get that in your name for your child, it’s slightly more complicated for the child not biologically yours but even one would be a start. Once the child benefit is in your name then you can also claim the UC, and being resident parent with child will bump you into a higher band for council housing.

This - the order matters:
child benefit first, with Social Services help as needed
then universal credit
then housing

the legal status might need to be settled at step 1 or 2 (as the 10 year old has a father and other relatives)

Loads of good advice here OP. I would definitely be moving schools though if diesel is that expensive. Yes, it’s disruptive, but the 10 year old will be going to secondary school soon. Most secondary school kids make brand new friends within weeks and don’t bother talking to their primary school friends anyway. Can your parents feed you guys for a few weeks? If not, can you use a foodbank? The school can probably give you a voucher/referral. Are the kids getting free school meals or is that affected because your ex is getting the benefits?

Good luck 🤞

OP can't just move the children, he has absolutely no right to do so. Everything else must be sorted first.

He can move his biological son.

This was homeless in Carlisle as that’s where the kids are based as was I until ex kicked me out 10 year old gets upset at the thought of moving schools so iv kept them in their school at my own expense

First of all if you’re living in Gretna start dealing with services there. Social Security Scotland are much easier to deal with than DWP and there are better provisions for children from housing to benefits. Stop trying to sort this through the English systems.

Next sort out parental rights for the 10 year old, social work in Scotland can help you with that, it would effectively be an adoption process. In the meantime have the private fostering/kinship arrangement recognised by social work, again go through Scottish social work department and they’ll liaise with England. No one is taking a 10 year old into care if they have a safe adult to care for them - the care places simply don’t exist.

Move the kids schools to Gretna, the system here is different and the 10 year old will have a full year in P7 which will make the transition to high school easier.

Apply for child benefit, UC & child maintenance from both parents! You don't need to be in receipt of CB to get UC. If you are in Scotland, after applying for UC, uuu can also apply for Scottish child payment

I get that its hard. It just is. There are thousands of fellow single parents on here who have been doing it completely on our own for many years (me 12 years). We just have to get down and get on with it. Its not fair, its not easy, but that is what we are dealing with.

We all have to do all the school runs, buy all the uniforms, all the shoes and trainers with no help or support.

Now is the time to focus on you and the children and stop feeling as though you are owed something from the mum because by the sounds of it, that will never change.

You have done absolutely amazing to keep them in school and give them some stability. You are incredibly fortunate to have a room at your parents place temporarily.

Now you have to focus on the future, forget trying to get money out of someone who is never going to give it, and work out the long term solutions for you and your lovely children. You can do this.

Go no contact with your ex, it will be much better all round for you and the children.

Focus your time and energy on what you can do for the children. Be persistent with housing, and in no time at all, you’ll have a house and a job and you will all be settled.

Well things are moving in the right direction ex has admitted I have the kids to uc & child benefit after social got in touch with her so my applications have just became easier claims are in & in process now once they are sorted iv been told a home will be found for us they want me to have the financial support sorted before giving a home as I’d struggle big time on what I’m getting at the minute.

i wanted to say a big thank you everyone for your supportive comments & advice it’s been greatly appreciated as a dad I wasn’t sure how I’d be received things are finally looking up.

im practically no contact with their mum which is sad as every kid should have their mum but she’s asked about them 3 times since Christmas & hasn’t seen the eldest since September which breaks my heart for him but I’m trying to be the best mum & dad for them & they know they have my undying support & love just hope I’m enough

Well done, @Dendad ! I’m so pleased for you. Things should get more straightforward now, and you can build a more sustainable life for you and the children.

Glad you took on the advice you have been given, hope you get housing and money situation sorted soon.

Have you sorted legal guardianship for the 10yr old... they are going to need a school place at secondary either this year or next. You will not be able to sort that without the legal standing.

post edited as did not read update.

Glad things are on track and you are getting the help you need