Renting Dilemma (Advice Needed!)

[mcasterxo]

Hi,

I've read a few threads on here and hoping to get some advice for my specific situation. I agreed to find a place to live with a few of my friends (we're all 22-23 and they already live together and are not from London). We found a place but I'm having second thoughts and actually starting to feel quite ill about the situation.

I already communicated this to my friends, who have been as supportive as possible. They've already given their notice in for the place that they're currently renting (this was before I even joined the plan, they just failed to find the right place and decided to stay on a bit longer). They will absolutely have to leave, though, this time around because the landlord has found someone who wants to takeover their tenancy.

I really don't want to let my friends down and it's only a few weeks to go before we're set to move in. My main concerns are that the area that they've picked is really far from my current support network (family, friends etc;), also already being from London, I do have the opportunity to live with family. I feel anxious that maybe I should just be saving instead. Also, one of the girls would like to move in with her girlfriend in the near future, meaning that she'd be leaving the tenancy before the 12 months are up, so we'd have to find another person to replace her at some point.

My parents are still together but don't get on with my dad. He was physically abusive towards me in the past, but hasn't hit me for around two years or so (after apologising the last time, which he never used to do), which makes me believe that he might have changed. My friends don't know about this so I guess they don't have the full picture of my mixed emotions. I've also had really awful renting experiences at uni and I'm so scared of building a new home with my friends just for it to be taken away. Either by a landlord selling up, being priced out, or simply everyone else just wanting to move on. I've selfishly started to feel like that's almost worse than just sticking out a bad family home situation. Because I'd think I've escaped, but really with this current market, it could all come crashing down at any moment. I know that there are changes set to come in, but the above could still happen even with those in place.

To make things even more complicated, a family member (who lives abroad) has a two bedroom flat in London, which has just come back on the market for renting. I'd need to make a decision quickly. The upside to going with this place would be that I get to leave home, have a landlord who is family and won't just kick me out or sell up without warning and cheaper rent.

The huge downside is creating a really bad situation for my friends, where they'll have to find someone else to fill the fourth room (or worse, have to find another place at very short notice). I'm closer to just one of the girls, but I doubt she'd want to leave the others just to come and live with me. Worst care scenario for them, they'd have to go home for a few weeks, re-group and find somewhere else to live.

I don't know if I'm overthinking this, or just being really selfish. I know that my actions have consequences but I'm so worried about 'doing the right thing for me' at their expense. I love them all and they really don't deserve any complications or bad news.

Have you committed to this property yet?

I've paid the holding deposit, but none of us have signed the contract. The girls know that I'm having second thoughts and I've told them that I can reimburse them the full cost of the holding deposit. I feel terrible because I think I need to make a decision right now as time is running out.

Its obviously going to cause big problems to your friends if you drop out now but if you are certain that you don't want to and if you are sure you understand the ramifications then you can choose to drop out. If you do then you must let you friends know as soon as possible, it's really unfair to wait.

It would help if you can give them the money they will have wasted on the deposit.

You need to make a decision now really. You have a place to go, they don’t, you need to give them as much time as possible to find somewhere so for me if you’re not 100% in at this point then you’re out and you need to tell them that.

Yes I agree, I just feel so much anxiety and conflicting emotions around the move that I know I'm not 100% in. My only reason for staying would be to not put them in a bad position.

Yes, it's really awful to wait. I just know that I feel unsure about the move. I don't feel at this point that I can fully grasp what I might be risking (friendship-wise, I really can't blame them if it's all a bit sour for a while), I just know that in my gut I feel like it might not be right for me.

I think you need to move into your relative’s place. Home is out of the question.

Your friend that is moving in but planning on moving out before the 12 months is up… No, sorry that’s not on either. That in itself is an issue for the remainers. Everyone who signs up should commit to a minimum of 12 months.

I’d have the conversation with them very soon .

I think it's fine to back out - they will have zero problem finding someone to fill the fourth room in London if the property and rent are remotely reasonable. They will be inundated if anything.

Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective. It's quite scary being at home, I definitely walk on eggshells around my dad as I just don't know when / if he'll hit me again. The last time was so bad that other family members had to get involved and tell him that it needed to stop. My mum didn't want my grandparents to find out in fear that they'll be sick with worry.

Yes, my friend who is planning on moving out before the tenancy would end will definitely be an added complication. There's no guarantee that it would end well for everyone either. Worst case scenario again, we'd all have to leave when she finds a place with her girlfriend.

Thank you, I'll definitely have a conversation with them asap and can help them look for another person. I've also heard that there's so much competition for rooms to rent in London house shares.

I think you need to move in with them. If you back out, you're letting you anxiety win and it will get worse and worse. The worst thing that happens is that you need to find another room in 12 months time. The best that happens is that you put down roots in a nice new area and build a firm group of friends. Chances are reality will be somewhere in the middle, but it will be good for you to get a bit of independence well away from your family.

There really is. My neighbour is doing postgrad at UCL and she covers the mortgage by house sharing with students (mostly postgrad) and recent graduates. She advertises within the university and she has to take ads down within half an hour to avoid a deluge of applications.

I think that sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between fear /anxiety, and a bad gut feeling.

In this case, one girl is going to move out before the year is up and at that point there are a lot of unknowns. Can they find someone else to replace you? Maybe when the other girl moved out you could reconsider moving in then to take her room?

Is the rent on your relatives flat affordable for you, if not, would you be happy to get someone else to take the other room in it? It sounds like you would have your pick of applicants to choose from if you did that.

Leaving home is a big step and sometimes it's just nerves and sometimes it's actually a gut feeling that it's not the right time or situation yet. It sounds like security is important to you and that your relatives apartment offers more security.

That's really reassuring, I'm just so worried that they wouldn't be able to find someone else.

Thank you for this. I would love independence away from my family, which is why I thought this plan would be a good idea in the first place. I'm scared of what I don't know, could happen in the future. Which you can never predict

Thank you and that's so true, even if I don't move in with them this time, after she leaves, if I feel like it could be the right thing for me. I could take her room. I'll ask them if they'd be open to that possibility.

Yes the rent in my relatives flat is more affordable and I'd be happy to find someone to take the other room. It would definitely give me security. They're also not on my dad's side of the family so my reasoning was that it would still offer me some separation. Although, of course, they're still family so I wouldn't completely be independent from them.

You made a commitment to your friends when you signed up to this flat. I think you should either follow through and live with them or pay for your room until you find someone to take it on. The same as any other tenants, including the girl who might not stay 12 months, need to find someone to take over their room if they leave.

I had some of the best years of my life living in house shares and I think you should give it a go, especially as you have the opportunity to live with friends. If it's not working out after say 3 months then look for someone to take over your room.

If you leave home do you think you wouldn't be allowed to move home again at a future point? Is that what you are so apprehensive?

If you think living in a relatives flat means you have more security then you are probably mistaken. I think you likely have less security as they won't feel the need to follow lawful process when they want the flat back and will just ask you to leave asap when they want to sell or live in it themselves or have their child move in etc. But the main barrier to this flat at the moment is you have made a commitment to your friends.

If you do want to live in your relatives flat you need to find someone to take over that commitment to your friends asap (someone that your friends are happy to live with not just anyone) and do not poach their other housemates for your flat. For someone so anxious about their own living situation I would think you would know not to mess around with other people's housing so lightly.

You made the decision when you said you would live with your friends and they gave their landlord notice.

Thank you for your perspective! I do think that I would be allowed to come back home if I needed to. In the past when I moved out for uni, it was difficult when I moved back again. I was scapegoated by my Dad and he blamed me coming back on his problems – so I’m scared of that repeating.

They actually gave their landlord notice earlier in the summer, but didn’t find somewhere they liked more and were lucky that they could stay a bit longer. But yes, now they absolutely have to leave which is a big problem and not something to be taken lightly.

Do the right thing for you. Being polite to friends is paying for coffee, giving advice or saying their hair looks nice. I would not move into a house no one told me about in advance, to be polite. I would go with the other family rent option to get some distance from dad. Sorry you have a hard time with dad.