I'm new here, and maybe not from the same region. I stumbled upon this group researching my feelings of helplessness, so please only have a empathetic response.
I am a single mother of 2 children in the U.S., and I am homeschooling through a public format in my apartment. The children's father is obviously abusive and doesn't want responsibility of the children since I left him (which is a good thing). It makes it extremely harder for me (no child support and active threats because of current support order in place).
My family history.
Parents were drug abusers, mother was a victim to the foster system leading to more dysfunction (I am not being mean or anything I am summing it up), and my father was a drug cook. Dad went to prison eventually. My dad's mom raised me and a non bio grandpa. Grandmother was highly abusive growing up. Grandpa was great but completely abused as well (she stole a lot of money and gave it to her children while poppi was on the big truck).
Seeing the financial struggle I left at age 12, my groomer talked my grandmother into allowing it. The day I turned 18 he dropped me off at a gas station near my grandmother house. Ashamed I didn't return. Went through more abuse, that's not related.
My father gets out of prison a few months after and starts his drug and gang stuff immediately. He drags me out of my hometown and takes me clear across the country. One of my aunts gets me into a GED program. My dad of two week being there just leaves and goes on with his life. I met another groomer whose 11 years older than me and already had a wife and 2 kids. I moved in with him in less than 3 weeks and get pregnant. It is awful I know. I went through so much counseling, and yes it is mostly my fault of not being aware and smarter. I was stupid I know, and I really just wanted to be loved. I am ashamed and need only support here. This is hard to talk about.
Over the year I try to leave, and finally get close (grandma gets me plane ticket to come home with baby) and he stops it. I am not ready to talk about it. I get pregnant again.
4 years later I finally see yes unhappy and wants me to leave. Because children require responsibility.
Flash forward to now.
I have no support from my family because of failed attempts to leave and whatever the excuse is. In those years my biological mother passed away after going missing, and my dad is a i.v user who is abusive to the max now.
My family (aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters) are so dysfunctional,greedy, and abusive (grandmother and grandfathers moneys in mind and their own unhealthy traumas).
I literally for 9 years have raised my children, no breaks, nothing but a 3 month period of going through daycare after daycare.
Skip to my children trying public school and being intentionally shunned from the community, as well as me. (I have not even made one friend that is not at some point concerning. I can't forge a support around me. )
I have lived on food stamps and 500 a month for years because my DHS caseworker has no answers or whatever. I am thankful for the things I have because for the first three years of my separation from the kids father I was homeless, sleeping in my car with the children. The homeless shelters were too dangerous for me and the kids because this happened at the start of covid. The drug policy in Oregon allowed drug addicts go crazy. Experiences were never good at the shelter. I found a quiet secluded place in the mountains to sleep and stay for weeks at a time until we needed supplies. My caseworkers were aware.
I eventually was told by my grandmother she had a caregiver and I told her I wanted to come home and get on my feet. It was awful, and triggering. I spent my whole time there taking care of her and saving her life 2 times, all while protecting and hiding my children from her abuse and my families targeted attacks.
I was so depressed and depleted because with the falls and stubborn nature of my grandmother, I couldn't at age 28. Still homeschooling and raising the kids, I called the aunts and told them to basically take over care. I might be a bad person but it was to much. My kids were targeted all time to her abuse, so I had to make that decision for them. It is normal for elderly people to be this way.
Aunt agreed and took over, after a family intervention type thing. I moved back to Oregon with the kids. Had to go through more homelessness and then bam we were accepted into the housing program.
That's good but my bills in the house can't exceed my 500. Raising kids on that is so hard. I tried to go back to college and failed. It was so hard for me to homeschool my son and daughter and me. I am figuring out because of the groomer I lost everything I learned in my younger years at school and now have a mental blockage to learning.
How do I do this and support them?
I am tired of struggling and I know I'm not the smartest person but how do I navigate this?
I am tired and want to give up. I will never be accepted or loved by anyone because I put my children first. I am afraid of people and social situations. I want to go back to the mountains and hide.
I told my DHS worker many times over the years to take the kids and put them in a home where they get what they need. I am to dysfunctional. They are so sweet and have beautiful souls they refuse. Keep saying they deserve their mother. I am literally telling her I am suicidal but not to the point of trying because of my children. But, I have to sign them over willingly and I just cant. I don't want to abandon them like that. I love them so much and it kills me to be talking about this but it is real. I want them to have more than I can offer them. I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep calling daycares and after school programs to work and I get denied or no calls back. I have tried different organizations and it comes down to they will only help if I willing give over guardianship. If that's what I should do, how do I make myself do it?
I keep trying to get remote work and don't receive a response or it's a spam. I'm only a GED graduate with online classes through LinkedIn. Someone please tell me how I can help me and my children get out of this hole.