Reasonable income, feel like can’t afford to have friends..?!

[Bloome22]

my partner and I have reasonable incomes but with childcare costs, mortgage costs and home reno costs it just feels like I cant afford to have /maintain friendships - e.g. buy birthday presents, go out for drinks and dinners etc. the only way we feel like we’re getting by is to do very little. Same goes for holidays etc. I feel like I’m really uninteresting to people as I don’t do much and can’t afford to buy rounds, gifts etc. - but I would if I could. Does anyone else feel the same way? Feel like there is a lot of pressure to whack things on the credit card.

Do you mean maintaining the friendships you have or developing new ones?
Most people with young dc aren't particularly flush and do low key things, but I guess if you live somewhere very swanky that could be a bit different.

I have a friend with whom we go out for walks, coffees, and occasionally a night out if we can get a granny to babysit for the kids. There's not much money involved. We take turns in paying. eat at home, go for a walk, and then have coffee, which is much healthier anyway..
Maybe your network is more of singles? Because the ones with kids are just like you. Don't feel singled out. My friends in London play tennis in their local park with other mums. You may need to change/update your network and find friends similar to you, which I bet there are hundreds. Also, 2-3 good friends are enough, even one good one should suffice.

Thanks. I guess I mean both (maintaining and making new friends) - I do live in an expensive part of the country. Even at work there is constant pressure to chip in for bday/new baby/leaving presents and I just can’t justify the expense right now. But it always makes me feel guilty, even though I am constantly saying not to buy me a gift etc - it’s not like I am taking but not giving. That kind of spending just seems so frivolous but it seems to affect some more than others!

This is really good idea. I think I need to make more suggestions as per your examples! I think it’s tricky as those who were my close friends now live quite a long way away, so I’m trying to build a more local network. Thanks for your suggestions!

When the DC were little, I made a group of mum friends through nursery and we spent loads of time together, either at each other's houses (after about the second time they came over, I stopped trying to pretend that I was a domestic goddess and didn't care if the house was a bit of a mess - it was dry, clean, safe and always looked worse by the time the kids left!) or going to local parks. We always took a picnic as then we knew we had food that the kids would eat and we might splash out on a coffee but would often take a flask. The kids learned not to ask for an ice cream unless it was a birthday or something as we'd stop at the supermarket on the way home and buy a pack there. We did co-ordinate and all got annual memberships for the same two places and would go there at least once a week, either during the week or at weekends. We had a great time. The nursery aged children are now teens, at different schools and don't hang out much but we usually still get together once a holiday, set up base camp in a park or the woods or something and spend the day together.
As we were all broke when we met, we never got into the habit of exchanging gifts between the adults. We did start giving each other's children presents but decided that that was madness and we had other things we could spend the money on so, unless your child got invited to the party of one of the other children in the gang, no presents were exchanged.
I think it helped that we all knew everyone was watching the money as, even if one of us hosted for the day (tended to happen in the summer more and the kids would spend the day in the paddling pool), we still brought picnic food for our DC and would bring along some snacks for everyone, often co-ordinating so someone might bring biscuits and another some fruit or something.

Before having dc I was a bit daft with cards and presents, good luck cards, thank you cards, well done on the new job cards, let's go out to dinner to celebrate you having a fab new haircut type thing.
After dc I agreed with all my friends to not do adult pressies, and as pp said just kids gifts if going to their party, or for a special occasion like a christening.
When I meet friends now it's either for a walk / jog, or with kids, I'd say one in ten times it'd be for a coffee or lunch or something, all very low key and cheap. If we go out for dinner I'll drive so it's just £15 for a main, rather than taxis, drinks etc.
I'd usually chuck £2 in to an office collection but no more otherwise it really runs away with you.
How old are your dc? That makes a difference to where you go and what you do.

If they are true friends, they will be happy with just your company. Everything else you mention is extraneous. I've known my bestie for over thirty years, through lean years and times of plenty. Doing stuff, going places, buying things is not important, being with her is and is what I treasure.

I find making new friends expensive, lots of meals out and experiences. With people I've known longer, we tend to cook for each other or meet for walks if one person is skint. I find that a bit awkward with newer friends though.
Look for friends on the same page as you, mum friends from nursery maybe? There's not much worse than being in a group of friends and there being one person that can't afford the suggested activities (like eating at a fancy restaurant or going to a show), leaving the others in the awkward situation of really wanting to go still but not wanting to leave one person out. Or they do go still and over time they become naturally closer and you're left on the outside of the group. I've been on both sides of this in recent years where different people have been able to afford and also want different experiences from the friendship.

When I go out I never get into a round. If someone offers me a drink I decline and say, I’ll get my own thanks and I do that for the whole evening. I would get a coffee for a friend but we take it in turns. I do go for occasional meals with friends but we usually stick to the set lunch and don’t order anything else to make it fair. If anyone is drinking alcohol they order separately at the bar. It can be done!

I am ‘richer’ than my friends and nearly always suggest very cheap or free things for our meet ups so they don’t think they need to find a lot of money for our get togethers. . My DH and I are friends with another couple and we’ve had some great nights having them over with a few nibbles and playing silly board games.
I meet the female half of the couple for a mooch around the shops or a walk. We will have a look around PoundLand and maybe have a coffee. Another friend I’ll often meet for a walk in the park.
Apart from one friend we don’t buy presents for each other and even with the friend who does buy me a little birthday present it wouldn’t be a thing if one of us said can we stop doing this.
I am having another friend over one evening this week, we were going to go out for a meal but as my DH is out I thought it would be nice (and cheap) to have a catch up at my house.
OP you could still go out for the drink, it’s fine to say you’ll get your own drink and then buy yourself a soda and lime.

Thank you so much everyone these are all really really useful tips! 💛

I don't have many friends to begin with and my partner and I are notorious for living well below our means (almost to the point of stingy - we are working on loosening the purse strings a little bit this year) but if something is actually out of my budget (i only earn £900 a month and leave a portion for myself for saving, spending, xmas and birthdays etc) and if something is actually a bit over the budget then I will tell my friends that's great but I won't be able to do rounds/I'll sit this one out/need a cheaper hotel or something and they totally understand. I'm very open about it all :)

I think a local network makes a big difference. I have friends who will text if they're walking near my house with the dog of a Saturday morning, and on Sunday I popped round to a friend's for dinner as she had extra portions. All super cheap ways to connect and I feel held by my local network in a really lovely way. I think your plan to focus on that is a good one!

Friendships shouldn't be expensive! You live within your means and socialise accordingly.

Be honest - if a friend suggests an outing and you can't afford it, just say so! You could always throw a dinner party at very little expense.
Or nibbles and board games as pp suggested.

The worst thing you could do is try and "keep up with the Jones". Don't go down that road.

I rarely go out for meals or drinks with friends - we socialise at each others houses or go for walks. I suppose we could do other things too, like Park Run or go to one of the many free museums in our area.

I enjoy a lot of cheap and free activities so some people will be happy with friendships that don't involve spending a lot of money.

I was dumped by a long standing single friend who wanted me to go for expensive days out and weekends away/mini breaks/holidays/spas etc.

I think some friendships do require you to spend the cash but others don't.

I know what you mean. Even hosting a dinner costs a fair bit with wine and cheese and decent food.

I know what you mean. Even hosting a dinner costs a fair bit with wine and cheese and decent food.

I normally do a little buffet with lots of picky bits and my friend’s bring all their own alcohol and I encourage them to take back anything they haven’t finished.

These are all really good tips and advice. Thanks everyone!!!

I quite often stay in with friends. Get a takeaway or cook something nice, some wine. Great times

To add I am fairly well off but one of my oldest friends is really poor and in debt. I work to her budget and it doesn’t bother me one iota.

Officially , according to the Government Im poor, but I have friends, not many but a few and tbh I do choose what friend to do what with

I try not to spend money to be social, although a trip to the pub at the weekend is a written in stone kind of thing

My BF, we walk, yep we walk and then back for coffee and a natter or sometimes, if we get PB's on park run we spoil ourselves and buy coffee out - and share a scone - and take turn about to pay

Mostly my friends are as broke as me so we tend to socialise in our homes, I invite friends for a drink, throw on a bag of nuts , crisps, chicken wings , turn on Alexa and a good few hours can pass at the cost of £2 or £3 a head. They do the same, so I might host one week, another couple will host another

Meals out? yep I still do those now and then - lunch times. Half the price and often theres a glass of wine or bottle of beer thrown into the cost. Here in NI a bottle of water is dumped on the table as matter of course, if it isnt, we ask - no charge

Dont be ashamed or embarrassed by not having disposable income, be proud that you are keeping your heads above water and not servicing debt

For me, living on bare minimum ( we both work PT and claim no benefits ) means Ive had years of experience of stretching a pound.

But meeting and making friends, well thats different. I know Im old fashioned cos I use Facebook Its great for local groups and local news. Im signed up to nearly every group in a 20 mile radius and I take advantage of everything free that appeals to me going. Local community group is having a day out to another town for a fiver on my day off - sure as hell if im not working Im going. Community fridge has had a brilliant delivery from the meat factory - yep Im going up ( less paid on feeding more spends elsewhere ) Knit and natter at the library , yep, Im there. Its getting out there and meeting people, some you wont ever want to meet again but the majority of people are kind and wonderful and are just like you, struggling to make ends meet but still wanting a life and friendships. Get out to as many places as you can, you will meet them