Helping family financially

[Winterdandelion]

I wasn’t sure exactly where to post this but wanted some advice. Disclaimer that I know this situation ultimately might be none of my business.

My sibling and their partner are having a very hard time financially. Sibling is on a decent salary and partner had also been until recently but neither earns enough to cover their outgoings on their own. They have two children with nursery costs. Partner has been off work ill for over a year now and just prior to Christmas was dismissed as was assessed of not being capable to work with no chance of that improving in the immediate term. Due to their illness (mental health) it’s not clear whether they will go and find anything else now or be willing to.

Sibling is at breaking point and very distressed that they may lose their home. Taking children out of nursery to cut costs also not an option as partner may go back to work and they don’t want them to miss out. There doesn’t seem to have been much of a plan in place for if the worst happened and they ended up on this position. It is an incredibly difficult situation but I would like to help them if I can. Our parents are no longer alive so no other family who could potentially help either financially or practically. I’m just not sure whether a) they would accept it b) it could make things worse/impact the relationship. Whilst I couldn’t stretch to meeting half their usual outgoings I could comfortably provide a small amount each month (say £100) and fully accept I’d likely not see it again - it would be a gift. That may make absolutely no difference in the grand scheme of things. I think sibling doesn’t want to rock the boat with partner given their ill health but with a young family to support I can’t help but think they will need to focus on themselves and the kids first if it comes to it.

I wondered if others had had similar experiences of helping family members out in this way? I know ultimately it’s nothing to do with me but seeing sibling so stressed is heartbreaking.

If they have a house they may not be able to claim UC.

There is an asset limit of 16k.

In your shoes, as your relative is presumably desperate, I would give her the money.

Not so much for the money's sake but to make her feel supported.

Long term the situation will get difficult. She may be facing a choice between keeping the house and asking someone who she knows is not really capable of being a good carer to their kids to care for them.

I'd help them until they can recieve benefits.. it takes absolutely months to receive PIP.. and if turned down first time. . Takes more months for reconsideration.. etc.
Once they have established any benefits and they are back on their feet then stop.. so tell them you would like to help until they do this.

Suggest to your sibling they look into New style ESA and PIP.

UC would take your siblings income into account, but NS-ESA may not if they qualify.

Some good advice here. I just want them to feel supported - I would feel very lonely in their shoes. I don’t know enough about the impacts of mental health issues and don’t want to do/say the wrong thing, equally, sibling needs to be able to look after themselves and the kids in the first instance.

I would encourage your sibling to approach CAB for a benefit check, help with claiming PIP and help with debts if any have built up. Offer budgeting advice and moral support but I would probably offer things rather than money, so new shoes for the children, some grocery shopping etc.

I thought about that ie OH keeps kids at home but I felt I've said enough.

People told me at work that I took the practical route to solutions.

As I said, before you give/lend, you need to satisfy yourself: Are they doing enough to help themselves - could they be nudged by someone in the right direction - only then lend/gift amounts

A word of caution: One you start giving money, they may not appreciate it if/when you stop or wrongly start assuming that your every comment is based on them getting themselves into trouble

Does the OH not have parents/family that can also help?

Best way forward - OH looks after their kids - OH considers his future work role and possibly a change. - OH needs to consider that its not an insult to get another job that may pay a lot less - OH needs to consider getting out of the house does help and sis needs to consider this as well - they need to seek a mortgage holiday or increase term and the sooner they speak to lender the better

Do the have any other lending other than the house you are aware of?
Have they actually cut back on anything, tv, mobiles, memberships, downgraded car, sold car if they have more than one - changing food to cheaper brands - it all makes savings?

TBH. I would not help them if they had not been taking action and would only help when they lost their home (Hopefully it will never come to that)

This does not sound great, but I do blame your sister a lot from the info you supplied, EG try to shiled her OH from reality. That is all fine if you have the financial resources but if not, start to cut back

To me, you/OP sound like a very down-to-earth person that is practical like me and must hold a job that you enjoy to a good extent.

Good luck a

You can have a house as long as you live in it.

You sound lovely op. Honestly it sounds like they haven't helped themselves much. Childcare is so expensive, they need to pull the children out of it. Husband can find a job at nights or weekends. That way they'll save on nursery fees.

The other thing about disability benefits is that if he qualifies then they may get some help for childcare fees as he’ll be classed as incapacitated for childcare

Thats the route I’d go down with your sibling - they need proper advice on NS-ESa, pip and UC to see if there is help available to them

Elderly parents on partners side but no money to share and looking after the boys a bit too much for them at their age, even a day a week.

I get the impression that the dismissal came as a shock or they were in denial that it might happen, hence the lack of financial planning around that. I don’t think they have lots of expensive hobbies/household expenses but there are luxuries like a second car, they do spend a lot of food/takeaways so I would say there is a huge amount of cutting back that could be done. Why it didn’t happen before I don’t quite know. Not sure of extra debt, suspect just the cars and I think they will get some free nursery hours. The house isn’t anything palatial, a pretty standard home by all accounts and in a very average neighbourhood.

I think if you can afford to give £100 a month, then you should. It doesn't sound as if it would solve their problems ultimately BUT if you give them the £100 they will realise that you have helped as much as you are able and that this family help is as much as they will get - and they will still be struggling so it might focus their minds a bit more. i.e, OK, what now?

(They could take kids out of nursery, he could be SAHD for a while - lots of mothers take a career break!) They could take in a paying guest, eg international students on short term placement).
If you could afford it, you could find some work for your BIL to do at yours - gardening/handyman/cleaning - lowkey, no pressure, pay him for that.)

If they aren't already managing their limited money better then throwing more money at it isn't going to work, and could breed resentment.

They've spent probably close to 20k in one year onn2x nursery places that weren't needed as there was a parent at home.

That 20k would have buffered them well through the time off. Let alone all the other costs that can be trimmed when needed.

I’m not convinced the tiptoeing around her OH is actually helpful to him
Obviously I know nothing of his condition but assuming he is an intelligent and previously financially literate person, surely he knows the impact of his condition on his family unit and finances?
Not talking about it and working on solutions together is leaving him to worry silently, but is pointing out the obvious (which he knows anyway) really going to harm him further?

What a horrible situation for your sister and family. It is very kind of you to offer to help, although sadly as some pps have said, £100 pm will probably barely touch the sides. Unfortunately this has happened at what seems to be the most expensive time period in family life nowadays, kids at nursery.

Everyone saying they should immediately pull the kids out of nursery and the husband looks after them, if he is so severely mentally ill he is not expected to be able to work in the foreseeable future, do you really think he's up to caring for the kids full time? It could have an affect on the children, as a pp mentioned from her own childhood experience.

How long til your nephews go to school? To keep the security of a nursery they're settled in, plus reduce costs, could there be a compromise like they attend part time?

And then there are people saying he should just get a part time job, take any job. This thread is proof that people still don't take mental illness seriously.

But yes, give what you can, help her go through her budget etc. Get her to talk to their mortgage lender. Frequent takeaways are a luxury and they may have to give up the second car.

And you do realise that they don't have to wait to use up the severance payment he got, they should start applying for benefits ASAP. So long as your savings are under £16,000 you can claim. He would probably be a good candidate for PIP too, but this takes a long time to organise, may have to appeal etc, they should get the ball rolling.

10 years ago I became disabled. I had to leave my job, as a single parent I obviously had to take action this included - applying for Pip, esa and tax credits, stopping childcare (I actually found a childminder who would do adhoc if I needed childcare while I went to the hospital etc), applied for my mortgage protection (which paid the mortgage for a year), applied to my union for a hardship grant, cut back in every area possible, applied for ill health retirement.
I think your sister needs support in looking at thing like the above it's really hard when your in the moment and just getting by. Can she downsize? Can she cancel childcare? Can she sell any possessions?
When I was in that situation I would have liked for people to ask me if I was ok/how they could help(to this day it seems that loosing my job is the elephant in the room, people definitely don't acknowledge the Financial side of this never mind the emotional side). I'd also have been grateful for supermarket vouchers where I could buy food but also buy kids clothes etc, however id also be rather embarrassed and so I think it needs a discussion with your sister.
You sound lovely and thoughtful I wish my sister was like you (she walked away as I could nolonger a babysitting service and told me I was lazy for claiming benefits).

Whilst I agree, the OP has said they aren't willing to take the kids out of childcare because the dad may get another job. It sounds like they're potentially anticipating the joblessness to be temporary and perhaps the mental health problems aren't so limiting that pulling the kids out of childcare would be too detrimental.

Dismissal for medical incapability to do a job is usually the end of a long process that has had lots of paperwork and meetings.

This is because the company will not want to leave themselves open to legal action, and also because in order to do this they have to have demonstrated that they have done a number of things first.

He will almost certainly have been referred to occupational health, they will have needed medical reports etc, there will have been ongoing meetings.

The company do have do demonstrate that he can't do the job. So he will have had communication about it.

It can be quite upsetting though and he may not have wanted to acknowledge it.

I can understand your desire to help, but I think you should not give them any money. They will not spend it “well” and then you’ll be resentful and the relationship will be under stress. If you can spare that amount, do something with it yourself like an ISA or savings or whatever works best.

It sounds like they need help with managing their money so I would signpost the online budgeting tools and useful websites like Money Saving Expert and Step Change etc. Empower your sister to cope for herself, not be reliant on your handouts.

You could hint at what you do to be economical in conversations (what did you do at the weekend? Oh I did a lot of batch cooking as it’s loads cheaper to feed us per meal, it’s been surprising how much difference it makes, and saves me time in an evening, although I do have to remind myself to defrost the bolognaise).

Help her to help herself, rather than propping her up.

Hasn't he been out of work for 12m plus at this point already?

Seems like it but just going off what the OP has said!

The more info you post Op the more I think that your relatives aren't helping themselves with regards to their financial situation. Any money you gave them would be frittered away in my opinion.

If he’s not able to work
They should try to get UC
if he gets in the support group it’s luv much but better than nothing
they might be able to get help with rent and childcare
he should also apply for PIP

if they aren’t willing to do this
then you might as well burn your money on a bonfire

That needs to be in place first and foremost.
She needs to look both at contribution ESA (asap as she needs two years if full contribution to get it. She won’t qualify if she waits a year to apply) as well as PIP.

ESA is over £500 a month so not negligeable, even though likely to be much lower than her old wage.

Having a house will have no impact on UC. No one has ever been forced to sell their house before being able to go on UC

Very specifically she needs to look into New style ESA.

The details of the legacy conts based ESA still come up in Google searches but it’s not available for new claimants now