Purchasing a home with my mother?

[Aking321]

My mom has unfortunately been diagnosed with dementia. Although it’s in the early stages, it’s progressing and my husband, siblings, I have had the conversation that my mom will like need to live with one of us. Being that I live in the same state as my mom and she’s comfortable here, I told my siblings I’d be happy to take my mom in. My mom in the process of building a new house that will now have to be sold if she moves in with me. Should not be a problem, the houses where she’s building are selling for double.

The only issue is, I just had a baby a few weeks ago and my husband and I live in a 2/2 house with a den- now that we have a nursery, we’d definitely need more space to have my mom move in. We’re looking at larger homes where we can add a little bedroom/living room/ mini kitchen or at least wet bar area for my mom so that she can still have her independence, with a separate entrance while still having access to the whole house (she’s extremely prideful and would hate the idea of being stuck to one small room and it would be beneficial for us to have space sometimes).

Is it wrong of me to have my mom use the profit from her home to put into buying a home with me? My budget doesn’t allow for a super large home on our salaries alone, and I want us all to be comfortable, however I don’t want my mom to feel like I’m just using her money to cash out and get a big house.

my husband and I discussed the idea of having my mom pay a large lump sum (she’s estimated to make $300k-$400k off of the home she’s built) to basically own part of the house we would buy and those funds would be used to take care of her (we would handle all of her expenses and bills for the rest of her life, electric, gas, HOA, taxes, phone, anything for the house etc).

my husbands father and grandfather did something similar so he feels like this is a totally logical thing to do. When calculating the costs, it still turns out to be cheaper than a nurse/aid or going to an assisted living for my mom- both of which my mother is very against any way. However I feel horrible asking my mom pay to live with us/ basically go half with us on this house-but it’s not something I could afford on my own- especially if I will likely need to eventually stop working in order to care for her fully. I just wish I could take care of it all myself and give her everything she needs, but I know there will likely be expenses medically in addition to the house/ addition that we’ll build for her. Thoughts??

I think that sounds totally reasonable. Yours taking in an extra person and will need to care for them - of course you are entitled to some extra money

Are you worried your sibling etc will be annoyed that when she’s gone you’ll have a nice big house for your family with her money?

Yes exactly. My eldest sister is in charge of her finances right now, and I have a feeling it will be a huge fight. My mom is young as well, only turning 68 this year so I’m accounting for years of care and having her in the home. I just don’t know how to navigate it all it’s all still very fresh and I just want to do what’s best for her while keeping my family afloat as well. A few hundred thousand dollars sounds like so much money but when calculating everything there’s no other way unfortunately. My sister tends to be controlling especially when it comes to my mom as she is the oldest sibling and I’m the youngest daughter/middle child. I know she’ll feel like I’m using this to my advantage.

I think the idea in principle is a good one and definitely should be discussed, but I'd also tell siblings before discussing with Mum.

The other thing to think about is that dementia does degenerate. My next door neighbour was diagnosed around May. He was fairly fit and active. Had a reasonable memory. Now he doesn't know his own wife who he's been married to for 60 years, or his family. He keeps escaping and going back to the house he was born in.

He can also be aggressive when confused and has hit out. He falls regularly and because he's gone missing multiple times the police have been out regularly.

I'm not trying to scare you. Sometimes it's a slow degeneration, but other times it's quick and you may get to the point you need help sooner rather than later.

I would say that whilst this is a generous idea, think very very carefully about this. Volunteering for full time care while having a young family isn't going to work unless you have other people willing to provide free childcare when needed. You often cannot leave someone with dementia for any amount of time - how will you do things like school runs, etc?
Dementia is progressive and there may well come a time that additional care or residential care will be needed. You will need respite. How will that be paid for?
It's unlikely your Mum will live a normal lifespan with this diagnosis. It is an illness that shortens life.
My Mum also had dementia but actually died from cancer. I was juggling caring for her, working part time and with a primary school aged child. It was extremely difficult.
In the UK (which obviously you're not) you would need to consider if this was a form of deprivation of assets - personal care is self funded if you have assets above a certain threshold and the disposal or locking up of assets would be looked into.
Looking after our elders is a good thing if it can be done, but you do have to make that decision with your head not your heart.

You could divide the profit of the sale of your mum's place into equal shares to account for your siblings, and say that, once your mum passes away and you no longer need the extra space, you will downsize again and let your sibling/s have their share of the profits from the sale of your mum's original property. Or a proportional share of the sale of the joint property.
Have you encountered dementia in a loved one at close quarters, OP? It can be really tough as the physical and therapeutic aspects of caring are intense. The emotional toll of seeing your mum deteriorate, and the behaviours that can accompany progressive dementia can be distressing and unpredictable, especially for young children.
What will you do if, down the line, you find that, having joined your assets, you realise your mum may be better off in a care home? How will your family fund it, when what would have been her money is so intrinsically tied up with yours?
FWIW, I love the idea of intergenerational living, and have turned this over in my mind a lot, but always bump up against these points. Best of luck, OP.

This is a lovely idea and something we have discussed with my MIL who is not in a position to need care at all at the moment.

However, things to consider are:
If she has dementia, can she make those kinds of decisions now? Who has financial responsibility/POA?

What might happen when she needs full time, intimate care? This is hard work and emotionally draining.

What would happen when she eventually passed away? If the money she has invested in your home is a large portion of her assets, would you need to sell your house to divide her estate appropriately. Or if you are buying the house in your name only, how will siblings feel?

It sounds a bit as if you have decided what is best for her and that this is what should happen. When there is money involved there is huge possibility of fall outs with other siblings.
I would have group meetings of siblings before anything is decided.

Don't do this especially if it means you'd have to give up working because of it. From what you say about your sister she'll never compensate you for the loss of earnings. Also, as other posters say, you very much underestimate the difficulty of dealing with dementia. And you want to handle this on top of having a brand new baby? Madness.

I imagine your sister will want a share on the profit rather than taking into consideration your costs for the next potentially 30 years.
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