Adult children living with you

[humblebeedle]

I’d like to have a discussion with my adult children that live with me regarding contributing to house costs.

I’m a single parent and have been for many years, work full time and cover all household costs myself. Except they will buy me food when they order for themselves.

Before I talk to them I’d like to know what others do.

They are lovely and will help me with anything I ask for. I’m sure that whatever I ask for they will happily do. However, I’m unsure what is best for them, and for me. 22 works in retail (partner also lives with me, recently moved back in and says it will be for a couple of months) and 18, quit college and had a job but quit that too. I am concerned about not having any work or education and encouraging to apply for roles. I think 18 is struggling with MH but is not willing to explore this.

I rent and have minimal savings but comfortable. I’d like to help us all to have a better future financially and emotionally.

There are two main questions really:

1 If you’re happy to share, do you charge rent? If so, how do you work out fair value?

2 Tips for suspected anxiety and getting engaged with employment - how can I help?

1. I have two living with me. No mortgage or rent, so all bills are shared 25% each for four adults. In reality, it's less than 25% for them because I underestimated for the food bill, and I pay for all incidentals such as batteries, appliances we all use, replacement parts etc, but I just went by the total cost of DDs and average food bill. There may need to be a rent increase.

2. My kids do have a good work ethic - they've rarely been long between jobs, but we do live near a High St where it's easy to pick up work. I did push them because I didn't want them to end up long term unemployed. As for anxiety - one of. mine has had episodes, but it's improved with age, and I think support of family has been a major factor. Not just us, but siblings too - it's a very individual thing, so can only suggest the obvious of keeping communication channels open.

Reading with interest. You sound a very fair mum @humblebeedle

I only have one. Who is 18. But has chronic pain problems with his legs. He is trying to find a job but the ones he can do are very few and far between. At the moment I give him £100 a month to help him. I can’t afford more.
But realistically. When he does get a job he wants to start saving up for a place for him and his girlfriend. So me taking his money isn’t going to help that. So I don’t plan on asking for anything unless our circumstances change.

My oldest is 21, has a full time job and pays £400 a month rent. £220 of this goes into a mortgage savings account which means we only really take £180 a month.

We felt it was important for them to learn to pay out a large sum straight away due to rent/mortgage always been a large outlay. They've got over £6000 saved so far which will set them up when they do move out.

My rule for my stepson is that all adults who are bringing in a wage share the bills. He's still at uni at the moment so not paying anything, but when he gets a job on graduating he will be expected to pay the bills. Just his fair share - nothing extra for rent or anything like that, so he will be paying much, much less than he would if he had his own place (hopefully allowing him to save plenty and have a good time) but it will help us out MASSIVELY.

There was a time when I wouldn't have asked for anything so long as he was saving for his own place and not just wasting it all, but sadly the way the bills are going it's too much of a stretch for us to cover everything for him now.

Thank you so much for your perspectives. It’s interesting to see how it’s approached differently. I will speak to them to see their thoughts on it too.

I like the idea of savings as a part of it. Have you been upfront with your 21 regarding this or made it more of a surprise?

Dsd covers all her personal costs including car, doesn't currently pay rent on condition she saves 50% of any money earned (zero hours contract). Dd doesn't live with us most the time but will turn up with groceries and cook for us when she's around (military)

My DD and fiance lived with me whilst saving for a deposit for a house, they paid £150 each a month, this included bills and food, tbh having an extra £300 a month was a massive help.
When they were nearly ready to move out I didn't charge them anything so they could up their savings.
I believe all adult DC should make a contribution to the household expenses, it's not always a popular opinion on MN 🙄
Your eldest needs to contribute and your youngest needs to get a job and contribute, do I understand correctly that your eldest has their dp living with you?
If so they need to contribute the same as your DC.
Your eldest may kick back if the youngest is not contributing

My DD is nearly 25 and lives with me - she left university three years ago and has worked full time since then. I don't have rent or mortgage (paid off) so don't charge her rent. We halve every bill that comes in - energy, water, insurance, council tax, repairs - which we both think is fair as we're both frugal and use relatively little. We buy and cook our own food - own shelves in fridge/freezer/cupboards. In addition she does pretty much all housework, but this is entirely her choice - we also split costs of cleaning materials and cat food, if that's relevant. She's been able to save a LOT over the last three years and we both feel we have a really good deal. She is looking for somewhere in London, where she works, and that'll be the start of a new chapter for us both (not before time!).

My DD has just graduated and is home and got a zero hours contract waitressing. She is paying off her overdraft and for the time bring I am not charging her anything to live here. But I will review that in the new year and then next summer. I am fortunate to be able to absorb the cost but as a principle at sone point I will expect her to contribute. She does help out now and again with meals and shopping but given our different work hours we don't eat together often. She does all her own laundry and cleaning.

I’m 35, still at home. I started working at 18 and my mum charged me a small amount of board. This has increased over the years but tbh is still ridiculously low and now she’s starting to reduce her hours I think I need to start upping it! I do also do a lot of the food shopping though and as she doesn’t have online banking I pay a lot of things like the oil delivery and if we have gardeners in, and sometimes we split it but sometimes I’ll just pay it all. She doesn’t have a mortgage.
I probably do need to have a sit down and look at what other costs I can start taking on tbh even tho I know she would never ask. But I do pretty much all the housework and cooking these days so she isn’t getting a terrible deal!

Thank you. Yes, eldest is living here with dp. Youngest does have savings from when they were working, is good with money.

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We were upfront with them about it - we said once they had £8000 saved we would top up to £10,000 for a deposit. It was a really good incentive and has really taught them how to budget and manage money. When a mortgage and bills are involved it won't be such a shock.

It's a third of earnings here , 1/3 towards bills 1/3 saving and 1/3 for spends

DS (26) pays £200 per month. Am about raise it to £250. No mortgage, but he eats a fair bit and isn't as good at switching off things as he could be.

When mine were at home DH wouldn’t take anything off them, so they bought their own clothes/toiletries/petrol, and any fancy foods they wanted.

DS(23) still permanently at home working in a NMW job while he applies to RAF. DD2(22) is a student.

DS pays £175/month. This is a cover all amount so food, utilities etc. Anything out of the ordinary he pays for himself.

We dont charge DD2 when she stays with us during holidays as it just depletes her term-time funds so we would need to make up the difference.

If DD2 chooses to come back to live with us at the end of her course then she will be on the same deal as DS.

Mine are younger but I'm starting to think about this. I would also consider, are they staying with you because they enjoy it and see it as a long term house share kind of arrangement, or are they staying with you to save for a deposit for their own home. I've got a feeling I will have one of each and I think I will view them differently.

This is perfect timing, my daughter comes home from holiday today and I'm going to have to ask her to start contributing because I can't manage anymore. She's 19 and earns more than I do! I don't think she will be very happy because her boyfriend's family are rich and don't ask him for any money. I was thinking £150 a month (which will also cover her mobile phone bill which I am currently paying)

I am going to charge £220 monthly food once ds gets a part time job. He is 17. we eat plenty of healthy food. Then when he works full time am going to charge £130 towards bills. We have no mortgage nor rent luckily. If the gas and electric go too high I may charge more though. I really need him to start working asap as the ps4 really makes the electric so high but he is bored waiting. He is busy applying for jobs but only started looking mid August as he had two holidays first when college ended. As a single parent am getting a bit desperate waiting for some contribution.

What a great idea.

Back in the 2000's when I left uni. I paid 500 a month to my mom when I lived at home.
She did save it for me actually but as a suprise.
Your setting people up to fail by not charging rent /bills.

DD1 is 23, and she pays £250-£350 a month (buys food sometimes). She's saved since forever so has almost £25k saved so far - also has lucrative sideline job to main one. Can't see her ever moving out/wanting to move out, but she does a lot about the home and drives us about a lot (on her fuel) so can't grumble we get a good deal! Never goes out or on holiday, doesn't buy clothes, make up, shoes unless she has to, her only expense is her horse.

I have £200 from dd each month, I still pay all bills(apart from her insurance, and mobile) and food.
Tbh I couldn't cope without it, after bills and rent I have £200/300 left over for food, petrol and anything else for the month for both of us.
A pp poster mentioned they have a son living with them not earning, it's possible they may be able to get universal credit for themselves even though they live with you, it's worth trying.

Nope, no rent or contribution for bills etc. However, those that are out of uni and working do need to put what they would be paying for market rent, share of bills etc plus more if possible into a savings account that is never touched with the aim of getting into the property market. That means they are aware of the cost of living, are used to having most of their earnings gone, they are just not giving it to me or DH.

Those still at uni are similar in that we don’t charge any board from their casual jobs but expect a good chunk of whatever they do earn to go into savings account that can’t be touched. So they are also used to ‘handing over’ much of their money, just not to us.

None of ours blow money on partying, holidaying, excessive clothing or frivolous stuff, just the occasional meal out or movie with friends or a modest birthday gift for a friend etc so we are happy with the current set up. If we saw them blowing money rather than ‘spare’ going into savings on top of the amount they put in as rent/bills then we would take money as enforced savings for them but has not been necessary to date.