How to help a friend who's struggling without being patronising

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Just what the thread title says really... I am fairly comfortably off financially. A good friend is a single parent on benefits, and really worried about money. She'd absolutely never ask me for money. I'd like to be able to help her out but I'm not sure how to do it without being patronising or awkward? Wondered about buying a Tesco gift card (I'm thinking around £200) and putting it inside a greetings card with a little message? Any thoughts?

But the few times I’ve been struggling so much I’ve been unable to hide it (mostly after my abusive relationship ended) and friends have given me cash/vouchers/lifts/flowers/other gifts, I’ve been immensely grateful.

I've been thinking about this, it resonated with me.

It's all about the relationship & the sense of equality or otherwise, isn't it?

A few years ago - again post-abusive marriage breakdown - my heating wasn't working. I work f/t in a good job but savings are a problem as need every penny. I just couldn't afford to fix it. My mum would have given it to me, and would have it to give but I couldn't ask her. Weeks later my brother realised the situation. I don't feel my siblings have ever understood or wanted to try to understand what my ex did to me & DC. It makes it hard to ask for help. However, my brother just gave me the money, with no drama & no emotion and I was both grateful & able to accept.

I think it's perhaps the sense of doing me a favour I'd react to?

A fancy meal is all well and good until you’re back in your freezing home with bare cupboards/fridge/freezer.

That's true & I have never been in that level of financial difficulty. (Well yes to freezing home but have always had food)

@YellowPlumbob

That's really lovely. You sound so caring 😘

This also reminds me of the time when I was buying an ice cream in a quite poor village in eastern Europe that cost the equivalent of 5p. I only had the local equivalent of a £1 note and the ice cream seller didn't have any change, so he insisted that I should take it free of charge.

I told him to take the £1, which wasn't really very much at all to me, coming from a privileged country in the west, but he refused, as I suppose, to him, it was a fortune - and indeed 20 times the price of the goods.

There was a touristy UNESCO site a short distance away (that didn't seem short of a bob or two), to which I went to buy some postcards that I didn't want, so as to get some change to take back to the ice cream man, who was overwhelmed and very grateful that I'd returned.

Just goes to show how awkward financial disparities can be - when you're saying "Here, have a quid" to somebody, but, to them, it's like you're arbitrarily handing them a small fortune for nothing.

I'd just give the cash as a bday or Xmas gift. At least then there's no need to mention about anyone struggling, it's just a gift for an occasion, which is normal.

But does that not then make them feel obliged to respond in kind? If your gift to them is 'normal', would the same amount/value then not be 'normal' for them to give back to you? Unless one of you is a child/young adult and the other is a generation or two older, maybe.

Isn't that what Martin Lewis talks about in the run-up to Christmas, when he gives his No Unnecessary Presents message as a way of relieving adults of the mutual financial burden of exchanging gifts and, instead, just focusing on the kids?

I wouldn’t say it’s because she’s struggling, I’d just give it as a gift or gift card and say it doenst work for you/isn’t a store you use. No big deal and doesn’t show you feeling sorry for her. She will know she’s struggling and won’t want that feeling of shame.

Also could it help to say “let’s not do gifts this year” or let’s have a budget/so hand made? so it’s both of you - obviously energy prices will be affecting both of you (even if doenst make much difference to you really)

I have done the following.
Dropped a couple of bags of shopping off " its mainly buy one, get one free"
Vouchers for cinema during school hols
Vouchers for argos so she can get kids presents.
Cash left in drawer at work.
Really good friend who really did the right thing the hard way.

A family member of mine is living off a very low budget. I have sent him some food or toiletries before and he has been very grateful :)

Giving them money or vouchers in any form will seem like charity.

How about put £100 cash into an envelope and post it through her door very early one morning in winter with a cover letter. Something like

'Dear Sue,
Thanks for the money you lent me. I am finally in a position to pay you back after my inheritence'

Or some such cack made up story

She will have no way of returning the money to "Sue" and will have to keep it.

Job jobbed.

Thanks all. It’s clearly quite a minefield. I want to help but I certainly don’t want to embarrass her. I think an over-generous Xmas gift might just make her feel she has to reciprocate, and I don’t like the idea of an anonymous donation as it may cause her stress wondering where it’s from. Seems the best solution might be to be upfront and ask if she wants the help?

How about put £100 cash into an envelope and post it through her door very early one morning in winter with a cover letter. Something like
'Dear Sue,
Thanks for the money you lent me. I am finally in a position to pay you back after my inheritence'
Or some such cack made up story
She will have no way of returning the money to "Sue" and will have to keep it.

How does that help to ease her worries, though? She'll be constantly on edge that somebody will realise, knock on her door and demand it back, so she may be too afraid to spend it in the first place. I think a very poor person would feel worse knowing that they have £100 belonging to somebody else that they dare not touch, sitting there taunting them, than they would just not having that money in their house at all.

However it's given, in order to be truly helpful, it needs to be made clear that it's a gift and that it's for her (or for whoever receives this random envelope).

Seems the best solution might be to be upfront and ask if she wants the help?

You know her best, so go for it. Maybe you could start a conversation about the cost of living and how much of a worry you know it will be for so many people. Ask if she's worried about it too.

Say that you've really struggled at times and you were so grateful when people helped you out of tight spots; now you're in a much more privileged position financially, so you feel that you'd really like to pay it forward and help somebody who is struggling now. Then go from there.

If you frame it like you're effectively repaying a massive favour-debt that you owe - and she would just happen to be the 'conduit' who receives it - might that work?

I would write a note saying "I hate to think of you struggling at the moment. I've been there in the past and friends have helped me out, so I'm doing the same for you now. Here is £200. I don't want it back! Put it towards your fuel bill and let's hope things are easier for everyone next year."

I e done this for a really close friend before.

She was really on her knees and struggling through a crappy time.

I gave her an envelope with £250 in it and excitedly told her I'd won some money on a scratch card so was spreading the love.

I did it very breezily so it wasn't a massive deal and I told another white lie and said I'd also shared some with another friend of mine which seemed to make it not such a big thing for her.

Yes she did try to give it back but I just literally refused and said it made me really happy to help her out and being it was a scratchy card win made it easier for her to accept.

She looked like she wanted to cry bless her.

Is there anything you've been given that you don't need?
This year is my first year of receiving the pensioners winter fuel allowance (enhanced because of the present fuel crisis). I'm not wealthy, but nor do I need it, and many many people do but don't qualify for it. I plan to give it to someone I know who does. She's due a baby just as the next rise in the fuel cap happens, so has no choice but to keep her house warm, and she'll need to use her washng machine and tumble dryer a lot (and of course as she's on maternity leave the house needs heating all day)

I'm comfortable with giving it, and as it's not 'my money' but government money, I hope she'll find it easier to accept.

Obviously you're unlikely to be as old as me, but if you can class whatever you want to offer her as 'not yours' in some way, maybe that would help? Do you need all of the £400 that we're all getting off or energy bills, for instance?

Hi, I’ve not struggled financially in the past, so I can’t frame it that way. But tying it to a particular payment could work. I like the idea of giving her the energy rebate. I think I’ll give that a try.

I’m very glad I asked here - it’s something I really want to do, but she’s not in a great place and I’d hate to make her feel worse.

Hi, I’ve not struggled financially in the past, so I can’t frame it that way.

Surely you've had other challenging circumstances that people have helped you through/out of, though - even if not relating to money? Even if it's going back to your own childhood, when adults comforted you through scary and upsetting times.

Could you say it in a more general sense of helping out friends in difficulties that could be easily interpreted (especially by somebody who IS struggling financially) as including money worries, but which could relate to a whole host of other life problems that are eased when somebody helps you through them?

Showing kindness and compassion in a practical way needn't always just be limited to one way of helping - surely it depends on the kind of help that somebody actually needs at the time?

My sister lives in a close with a few bungalows (all single household pensioners) and they are clubbing together to take advantage of bulk spend discounts. They each pay a pound a month towards one person's Clubcard Plus account and then that person pays for 2 big shops (you get 10% off 2 big shops per month) a month of pet food, toiletries, household, tinned and packet goods. So everyone benefits from the 10% off.
This is perhaps a good way to help someone out, or something similar. You could frame it as them helping you out almost - often Sainsburys and Waitrose send vouchers giving £10 or so off a shop if you spend £50, so inviting a friend to 'help' you up to £50 by stocking their freezer a bit doesn't look patronising at all.

Also, being that friend with the big freezer.
I often get a text 'got room for a couple of chickens, they were on offer', so we label them and stick them in the chest freezer.
Having a mate with a big freezer means you can take advantage of all sorts of special offers.

Could you put some money in an envelope and put it anonymously through her letterbox late at night or when you know she'll be out? Maybe write "A gift for you, with love" or something on it - ask a totally random person (man) to write it (not somebody who knows her), so she doesn't recognise your handwriting?!

That's what I was thinking I'd do.

Anonymous gesture. No-one to get shirty at.

No need to get others involved in disguising your handwriting - either include a letter on typed paper or write it yourself with your non-dominant hand.

Could you say, you won £500 on the euro millions, and you'd like to split it with her. Share your good fortune, and a way of saying thanks for all the years of friendship.

Might alleviate the charity shame a little, and just be a joy shared between two friends.

I've ordered food delivery boxes for friends in the past and have said I won them in a promotion and dont need them as they're double ups.

Ask to borrow her car as yours is being a bit dodge then fill it up with petrol on returning it?