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Original poster

How to help a friend who's struggling without being patronising

48 replies

crummyusername · 02/09/2022 09:59

Just what the thread title says really... I am fairly comfortably off financially. A good friend is a single parent on benefits, and really worried about money. She'd absolutely never ask me for money. I'd like to be able to help her out but I'm not sure how to do it without being patronising or awkward? Wondered about buying a Tesco gift card (I'm thinking around £200) and putting it inside a greetings card with a little message? Any thoughts?

OP posts:
prettylittlethingss · 02/09/2022 10:01

That's so kind.

I think the best way to do it would be a gift card in a card with a message posted through the door. So she doesn't feel awkward and she doesn't try to not accept it.

Times are really tough right now and she is lucky to have a friend like you.

NotLactoseFree · 02/09/2022 10:04

It's a lovely thought. It really depends on your friendship. An elderly relative of mine has an old friend who also used to work for her. The friend once told me that after her husband died my relative sent her a cheque with a note saying something like, "we never have to talk about this and I do not ever need this money back, we just want to help a little" and it meant a lot to her.

DH and I once sent some money to a good friend of mine who was struggling but we've been friends since we were 10 so I just sent it and told her it was because we wanted to help.

Either way though, I'd give money not a voucher and make it clear it's a gift and that she doesn't ever need to talk to you about how it's spent etc.

Alternatively, if she's someone you spend a lot of time with and you're worried she'll be uncomfortable paying for a piece of cake in case you think she's spending YOUR money, is there a specific thing she needs you could pay for? on a once off or ongoing basis?

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2022 10:08

It's very kind but you need to really consider the nature of your friendship.

I have had some tough times. I would absolutely utterly hate anyone to do this. It would utterly change our friendship, I couldn't accept it.

As much as you want to help, you have to make sure it won't compromise your friendship which is more important, perhaps, as a source of support.

The first Christmas after my ex left, a friend gave me a card with €50 as a gift. That was lovely - unexpected, not too large, and a Christmas present so it was ok!

MsMarch · 02/09/2022 10:17

Might be too late for this but perhaps offer something like paying for her DC's school uniform? Or if there's a club they like to go to but you know she can't afford, offer to pay for that for the year?

Something for the DC might be easier for her to accept.

oopsfellover · 02/09/2022 10:23

I don’t think I’d mind a good friend doing this for me if they were upfront with the offer (eg I wondered if you might be struggling a bit at the moment, would it help if I…’) and I had the choice about whether to accept it. As a pp says though, depends on the nature of your friendship.

Arenanewbie · 02/09/2022 11:19

I wouldn’t like it and it would affect our friendship. Could you do a little things like give her a lift somewhere if it’s a problem for her? I wouldn’t mind Christmas present though or if you would pay for the outing I wouldn’t attend otherwise or inviting me for you for Xmas.
Also if you could put rather like if “you helped me before with this and this (even if it was moral support) and now it’s my turn” it might go better.
By the way I have friends who are more comfortable money wise and sometimes it’s difficult when they always offer outings I can’t afford. Yes, I can say it of course but repeating it constantly is very depressing

TiredButDancing · 02/09/2022 11:36

It really is all about how you position it and the tone you take. I think if you offer something and say something like, "I know you're struggling and i'd really like to do this - you are such a good friend to me and I really want to help you" is better than, "I know you have no money but I have loads so here's some cash".

Or as PP have suggested - make it a gift for birthday/Christmas. Or do something for her DC rather than for her.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/09/2022 20:09

Could you put some money in an envelope and put it anonymously through her letterbox late at night or when you know she'll be out? Maybe write "A gift for you, with love" or something on it - ask a totally random person (man) to write it (not somebody who knows her), so she doesn't recognise your handwriting?!

You could even be more 'devious' (in a nice way) and write something on the back to make it look like hers is just one of several being given to various people by a mystery benefactor seeking to spread some kindness - write a random number/code and the road/area on the back if nothing else.

I agree that cash is the best choice - and definitely make sure she knows it's a gift and not a loan, even if she doesn't know who it's from.

elizabethdraper · 02/09/2022 20:12

I have done this. I put cash in and envelope with a message but left it anonymous

They still don't know who gave the money

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/09/2022 20:17

Alternatively, if you happen to have something quite valuable that you genuinely don't want anymore, you could always drop it into conversation that "I need to get rid of my old XX. I suppose I could sell it on eBay, but I just really can't be faffed with that as I've got a lot going on. I'll probably need to make time to go to the charity shop."

Then, if she offers to eBay it on your behalf, downplay it and insist that she can keep anything she can get for it 'for her trouble' - as you just need it out of the way and were going to give it away anyway.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 02/09/2022 20:33

Unless you know she shops at Tesco I'd not get that for her. Personally I'd feelv very patronised by anything indirect. I'd want you just to say 'this is for you, I'm paying it forwards' and not pussy foot around. You should give cash so she can use it as best meets the current challenges.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/09/2022 20:44

Would you have chance to slip a £20 note(s) somewhere into a pile of paperwork or old handbag she might have around in her house, when you're visiting and she goes to the toilet? Something that she would 'find' before long - maybe when searching everywhere in vain hope?

I know, when I've been in the position, looking anywhere and everywhere and stumbled across an old card/bag/drawer with money in it, the sense of elation has been amazing.

FinallyHere · 02/09/2022 20:47

this is for you, I'm paying it forwards

I like this approach @Whatiswrongwithmyknee because it takes for granted this is a temporary setback for her and that she will in time be in a position to do the same.

TTCm · 02/09/2022 20:50

OP, could you maybe cook her a few home cooked meals and get her some essentials so that you don’t have to put a ‘value’ on you helping her? X

MattDamon · 02/09/2022 20:56

I did this once, but I said I got the gift card through work as a bonus and didn't shop at the store. She was grateful without feeling indebted to me, which we both preferred.

Snugglemonkey · 02/09/2022 21:06

MattDamon · 02/09/2022 20:56

I did this once, but I said I got the gift card through work as a bonus and didn't shop at the store. She was grateful without feeling indebted to me, which we both preferred.

This is a lovely way of doing it.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/09/2022 21:11

The 'paying it forward' is a great concept, but I don't know if it might carry some kind of perceived obligation with it, depending on different people's interpretations, which might dilute the sense of relief it brings: that it's a loan that you will have to repay - not a gift - albeit one that you repay to somebody other than the giver.

Mydogatemypurse · 02/09/2022 21:18

I had a collegue put £50 in my work draw with a post it saying please dont be offended and we never need to mention but i hate the thought of you struggling and this comes from love and knowing you would do it for me.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2022 21:20

I know it's well-meaning, all these suggestions to help but most are frankly awful ideas & incredibly patronising.

Could you put some money in an envelope and put it anonymously through her letterbox late at night or when you know she'll be out? Maybe write "A gift for you, with love"

I would just be so stressed if I got random money. I couldn't decline it, I couldn't thank the person, I'd feel so uncertain about the whole thing.

Would you have chance to slip a £20 note(s) somewhere into a pile of paperwork or old handbag she might have around in her house,

Or this. It's intrusive & ofc when the person would find it they'd know they never had £20 notes randomly stuffed in places & again are back to wondering wtf

Ideas like paying for lunch or coffee, or treats that are otherwise a challenge is much better. If I knew someone could genuinely afford it when I couldn't, I'd gladly accept, within reason, and be appreciative. I'm not stoney broke but every penny is accounted for & going out for a nice meal isn't an option. Recently my brother treated me & my DD to a really nice meal. He is very well-off & I enjoyed it & appreciated his generosity. It was such a nice meal, the food was perfect & I enjoyed every mouthful. I have lots of practical things that cause me stress money-wise but the chance to do something nice without worrying was worth more to me than anything else.

Monday55 · 02/09/2022 21:27

I'd just give the cash as a bday or Xmas gift. At least then there's no need to mention about anyone struggling, it's just a gift for an occasion, which is normal.

Pipsickl · 02/09/2022 21:27

I would just post her some cash with a note saying you won’t ever need to talk about this, that you want her to have it. You never want it back.

i once received some money from my brother when I was absolutely destitute in a similar manner. It saved me and I will always be grateful. It’s never been mentioned since. I would do this for someone else if I ever needed to.

honestly despite what others have said I think this is one of the nicest things a person could do to help a friend. If someone is really really struggling financially this would be of great comfort.

Fwiw if she took it the wrong way I still think your heart would be in the right place.

YellowPlumbob · 02/09/2022 21:32

I’m the sort that were I ever to be on fire, and someone had a hosepipe and said “Want me to put that out?” I’d say “Nah, it’s fine” and just stand there burning. I mean, it’s not a good thing, hyper independence is a trauma response, and I’m still actively working on it.

But the few times I’ve been struggling so much I’ve been unable to hide it (mostly after my abusive relationship ended) and friends have given me cash/vouchers/lifts/flowers/other gifts, I’ve been immensely grateful.

Yes it feels odd to me, because of my childhood where even my basic needs weren’t met, but looking out for and helping people we love is fucking normal and should be encouraged.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2022 21:40

Monday55 · 02/09/2022 21:27

I'd just give the cash as a bday or Xmas gift. At least then there's no need to mention about anyone struggling, it's just a gift for an occasion, which is normal.

Yes, I agree.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/09/2022 21:47

It's difficult because, as we've seen on this thread, some people would hate the anonymous/indirect approach and find it patronising; whereas others would be seriously embarrassed at the direct approach, with some finding that patronising and deeply awkward.

I suppose it really depends on what you, as a friend, think the would-be recipient would find the most helpful approach.

I've often thought about how, along with all of the many, many positives of suddenly becoming rich (lottery win, unexpected windfall etc.), it would also be really difficult in practice with the disparity between you and your financially-average or poor friends. If you pay for everything all the time, are you coming across as big patronising Lady/Lord Bountiful; but if you never pay or only ever pay your own share, are they thinking that you're very mean, by never offering to share your millions?

YellowPlumbob · 02/09/2022 21:48

A fancy meal is all well and good until you’re back in your freezing home with bare cupboards/fridge/freezer.

Balance.

I have a much younger step sister (late teens, her mother is married to my Dad, but she’s always lived with her own Dad as her, but he died last year, so she’s on her own now) that I regularly help.

I know when she gets paid so I know when she’s going to have too much month left at the end of the money, so that’s when I’ll invite her here for a few days between her shift work (3 on, 3 off pattern). Because DCs want to see her, and she can never say no them. Which means I get to feed her, know she’s warm, treat her whilst she’s here, slide some money into her bag, give her some stuff that I got on BOGOF (I didn’t).

My much older step sister on my Mums side did similar for me when I was 19 and living hand to mouth. My visits to hers every month really kept me going.