Affording basics

[Tobl20]

Hi all, this is a bit of a mixed thread as it’s to do with money and Co parenting. I have 2 kids, recently I’ve been struggling with affording school uniforms and shoes , coats etc. Me and my ex have 50/50 custody so he owes no maintenance and is not required to pay anything towards them except for food etc on the days they’re with him. Unfortunately there are extra costs that one parent always ends up paying for eg. Swimming lessons, school trips, school lunches, uniforms, dance lessons, and any other costs that crop up when you have kids. And that parent is me. My problem is that when their belongings go to dads house, they don’t come back. Last year I had to buy three pairs of school shoes, 2 school coats, 2 school bags and 3 different pe kits (including trainers) not to mention numerous extra jumpers polo shirts and trousers/skirts that have been lost at dads house. Dad is very abusive towards me (not the kids) so nagging him about finding them and returning them is not really an option. The kids are also very scared of asking for them back as he is a very angry man. I earn 500 a month from part time work atm as I had to cut down with it being school holidays and not having childcare. But usually during term time I earn about 700 a month from two different part time jobs. I don’t get any benefits eg, child benefit or tax credits as dad claims both of these. I live in a one bed flat and I’m not entitled to anywhere bigger as the children are not included in my household (bc I don’t receive the child benefit).
I find it hard to believe that no one else is in this situation and that there is no help, I have tried contacting citizens advice and womens aid and they are unable to help apart from food bank vouchers! There is just nothing for single parents who do not claim the benefits when sharing custody. For those who suggest claiming half the benefits, I have tried previously but my ex sent vile messages and upset the children and also threatened to kill me when I applied for child benefit for one of the children. And in the end I was denied it as they said the children were registered at his address with their gp and with the school. (He will not allow them to be registered at my address with either of them). Is there anyone who’s been through anything similar? Or am I doomed to this struggle until the kids are 18 and I can finally move on with my life? 😢

Firstly why on earth are your kids with a man with anger issues and who threatens to kill his kids ? You need to speak to a solicitor. You have 50:50 residency. You need to put in a claim for benefits ( child benefit and Universal credit ) for at least one of the children. It is frankly ridiculous that he is claiming for both children. If you even claimed for one it would give you a significant amount of benefits .

I know. I have had two quite good solicitors. I’ve been going through the courts for nearly 5 years on and off and frankly i don’t think it has been worth the money and stress 😪. He didn’t threaten to kill the kids (thank god 😳) it’s me he has threatened to kill. The courts were aware of his previous abuse, and of the fact he has anger problems and smacks the kids (my youngest admitted this to cafcass) but unfortunately this made no difference to their decision. I have tried to claim but was unsuccessful and am scared to try again as I know there will be uproar if I do. Also with the courts it is pretty much only to do with the children so as long as he has never physically put them in danger then he can pretty much tear me however he likes. We also live very close to each other hence why the court was pushing so much for 50/50 even though they knew it would make things more difficult for me.

Claim child benefit for the youngest child.

Don't send stuff to is, it's on him if they turn up to school without the right shoes or uniform, he'll soon get picked up.

I don’t send stuff to his generally but he picks them up from school some days so their school stuff goes to his and when I next pick them up they don’t have it with them. They do go to school without their things all the time but it’s the children who suffer not him. They don’t get told off for wearing non uniform items like shoes but they do get told off for not having book bags and pe kits etc and the school emails me regarding them and I end up having to buy new as dad just ignores the emails or lies and says that I have them when he knows he’s lost them. Sometimes he will return them a few months later but by then I have had to buy new as the kids need them. He has 3 other children including my two and his gf has 4 so their house is chaos and things are inevitably going to get lost, I wouldn’t mind but he has never replaced them. It’s always up to me to do so. I just think if courts are going to force 50/50 custody then the costs and benefits and the struggles and difficulties should all be 50/50 too.