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Original poster

Helping a friend who never has money

15 replies

Loubella1 · 17/09/2019 07:46

Not sure whether to post here. A friend had a nervous breakdown a while ago, lost his job and took on a low paid job to help support his children (now divorced). Its 5 days a week but part time. He also helps with childcare. But he seems to be getting more and more riled up about not having money, things keep popping up and he just keeps stressing and stressing. I keep saying you aren't in debt, you just can't manage on your salary alone. But I almost think he is heading for another breakdown. Im not sure how to help him. I've given him a small amount but I realised quickly that it didn't solve the problem of him just not earning enough. I'm getting worried about him now. Any ideas how to help?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 17/09/2019 07:49

Well, he needs to earn more.

onemorecakeplease · 17/09/2019 07:49

Would he be entitled to any tax credits etc?

MrsMoastyToasty · 17/09/2019 07:50

He needs to check that he is getting all the benefits that he should be getting. www.turn2us.org.uk is a good place to start.

onyourway · 17/09/2019 07:55

Can you do a budget with him so he can clearly see what he can afford?

C0untDucku1a · 17/09/2019 08:09

Also ‘helps with childcare’. Is he not the father? If he isnt that’s crazy to take a pt poorly paid job to provide childcare for them!

Sicario · 17/09/2019 08:22

You can't help a friend who is not prepared to help themselves. All you can do is signpost them towards the help they need and be there to listen when they need a friend.

I found this out the hard way and eventually had to cut all contact with the friend who turned into a complete nightmare before she sucked me dry.

Original poster
Loubella1 · 17/09/2019 08:32

@C0untDucku1a so doctors said not to work but he took a job anyway so he could give his ex some money. He also looks after the children regularly. He is a great father in that respect. But i agree, he doesn't earn enough to live properly. He hasn't got debt or overdrafts but has nothing at the end of the month. If anything one off happens, he is screwed. I think he is ok as doesn't have sent but he seems to be spiralling at the stress of not having money yet I think more work would also stress him out. He has depression etc.

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 17/09/2019 08:39

Sit down with him with pen and paper

Write down all his monthly income

Write down all his monthly bills

Now work out where he can skim the fat

For example

can he change to a cheaper electricity/gas supplier..can he have his meter changed to top up meter so that he is only using what he has already paid for

Can he change his mobile network to a cheaper one or even change his priceplan.. .if he is on a contract, can he change to pay as you go

If he has sky TV/virgin, Netflix etc..can he cancel the subscription and get FreeSat or Freeview (still get plenty of channels with no monthly subscription)

If he has a landline and WiFi can he have it cancelled to save the bill he would pay, he can use his mobile and if he needs internet many places offer free WiFi

If he has a car could he sell it and save the money and walk, cycle, take a bus ...he would save alot

Now that you have skimmed the fat

Calculate how much money monthly he has left...

For food tell him to buy supermarket basic brands ...and show him batch cook freeze websites (where if he cooks a meal using the cheapest foods he can buy, he can portion up what he needs and freeze the rest for other meals...it would save him and make it cheaper to feed his kids when he has them ...

Also if he has any debts can the citizens advice bureau talk to his debtors on his behalf to get any payments reduced to a manageable size for him...also get him to talk to them about his money issues, they may be able to help point him in the right direction.

And if he is short of money there is food pantries too

If he is taking the low paid job because of lack of qualifications could he do an evening class or something to work towards a qualification in something that he would like to work at?...

Will his family and parents help him get on his feet?

ChicCroissant · 17/09/2019 08:48

It's really kind of you to want to help him OP, but IME people suffering with depression and/or anxiety tend to fix on an issue to complain about and this may very well be his - even if you fix a budget, he may still complain or move on to another issue. You mention that you think he is spiralling, this may not be down to the money issue at all.

The PP have given excellent budgeting advice if you want to try that.

Mountian · 17/09/2019 09:04

Great advice can be found on the Money Saving Expert site.

The forums are particularly good, with tonnes of advice and non-judgemental support.

Debt Free Wannabe suggests you fill in an SOA (statement of affairs), you don't have to share it, but it may help your friend see where savings can be made.

Best of luck!

Original poster
Loubella1 · 17/09/2019 09:10

@ChicCroissant i think you are onto something here, he does fixate on this rather than look for how to improve.

@SuchAToDo great advice there. With him. he lives incredibly frugally and gives a lot to his ex and just doesn't earn enough to live well enough to say take his kids out (parking costs) or grab a coffee (I think non essential). You're right though, we will sit down and go through everything but deep down I feel he doesn't earn enough so needs to get other work to cover any eventualities. But I think the thought of that stresses him out as he can just about do this job.

OP posts:
haggistramp · 17/09/2019 09:15

How often does he have the children? I'm gonna get slated on here but tax credits should be proportionally shared out between separated parents if both are on low income and based on how much time each parent has them for. Otherwise a single mum of 2 could be in receipt of more than double the amount of income the father has and get help towards childcare but only have the children 1 or 2 days more a week.

00Sassy · 17/09/2019 09:17

I agree it would be most helpful to sit down and see where he can switch and save each month to free up a little bit here and there.

Also, this might not be a popular opinion but ... Is he giving his ex more than CMS recommended amount?
Although a lot of NRP’s are shits and give only the bare minimum even though they can afford more, your friend sounds like he may need to give the minimum amount for them at the moment.

DPQ · 02/12/2025 15:34

This could either be a mental disorder or a need not being met.

Ask your friend what he would like to do if he could do anything, money was no limit. Then find the budget equivalent, its not the same, but it may scratch the itch.

If they don't know what they want, its possibly a mental disorder - such as peniaphobia (fear of having no money) and may require therapy.

pocketpairs · 04/12/2025 12:58

C0untDucku1a · 17/09/2019 08:09

Also ‘helps with childcare’. Is he not the father? If he isnt that’s crazy to take a pt poorly paid job to provide childcare for them!

Did you miss part about nervous breakdown?!

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