Decedantly damcing towards December - frugaleering Christmas ahoy!

[ememem84]

New thread

[Happierwithouthim]

Autumn I'm going to be really nosey and maybe get kicked off the thread but have you & h had relations since you had ds?

I often wonder how people who co sleep make another baby but my friend is expecting #5 so it obviously happens

€62 on diesel left my fuel card in other handbag & for the sake of 4% savings I'm not going to the pumps twice

Went for a 4.5k run with a friend & then to my bootcamp class, marinading in Epsom salts bath now in the hope that I'll be able to use my arms tomorrow

[ememem84]

Poas autumn. Look what happened to me.
🤰

My dad thought he was being funny today. There is a company here called “preggo” no idea actually what they do. But I happened to be stood near their van. Ddad thought it was hilarious.

Talked with dh this evening re childcare. He thinks it’s pointless one of our wages being used to pay for someone else to raise our kids. I do agree to a certain extent. But. He can’t be the stay home. He’s far too important. inflated self importance I could. But I don’t want too. I’ve said yes, it’s ridiculous that my wages will go on Nursery (effectively) but I’ll have my independence and my joy and I’ll be contributing financially etc etc

We went through the options though. I made lists. Pros and cons of sahm vs nursery vs childminder vs nanny. The only con of nursery in my mind was the cost.

I also asked whether if I was a sahm would he have his salary paid into the joint account and give me access to his savings. He wavered there. He’d put money into joint account as he does now he said. But what about my “upkeep”? I asked. (As in beauticians, gym, horseriding, hair, nails). Would he pay for these? Yes he says. He’s just give me the money after...or give me an allowance.

Nope.

I can see how that might work. And I don’t think he meant it in a controlling way (although on paper that’s what it comes across as). But I’ve always had my own money. So to give that up would be tough.

But I don’t need to. Unless circumstances change drastically.

[Wolfcub]

Em I agree working is about much more than money and if you do go back to work it won’t be all of your wage going to pay nursery fees it’ll be part of yours and part of dh’s so you will still have autonomy over your own money. Have you considered whether a nanny might be cheaper?

[ememem84]

wolf we did. But it’s the being employers thing that’s putting us off. I’m sure someone I know said that over here it screws with your taxes. Also ds won’t get free hours if we get a nanny....

[ememem84]

A childminder was considered but so many here don’t take babies and toddlers. And the majority of the ones I know live far away. So we’d have to eg drive through town to childminder drop off and then back into town for work.

Nursery is in town. We park underneath. It’s convenient location wise. It takes all ages. It does the free hours. It does 15% sibling discount. Ds’s Fees will go down once he reaches 2. Not by much. But reduced. And again once he’s over 3.

[ememem84]

I suggested dh he the sahp.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Long term it will reduce your earning potential, won’t it?. An au pair or nanny sounds great.

[moimichme]

We have a childminder and for us, it's a great option and not too expensive considering that she provides lunch and snacks. For various reasons it's likely ds (22 months) will be an only child, so he gets to spend time with a few children, not exactly his own age (he adores the older boys) and others at various outings, but m a constant adult rather than (in my area) a revolving door of nursery staff coming and going. Really lucky it worked out so well - I don't know how we would have coped otherwise.

[moimichme]

Oh I see, there are very good reasons for the nursery being a better option for you, em. I would just say that, since you've worked so hard for your career and children aren't young forever, it's probably best to keep it going if possible. And also, congratulations.

[Girliefriendlikesflowers]

Hello all, late sign on as it's been a very busy day I worked 8-4 and then went with dm to watch dd in the school choir at a local cathedral, it's local ish - an hours drive away!! Was a lovely evening though, very Christmassy.

Dd has a horrible cough now though, feel like she has been constantly ill for months 😦

em surely the nursery costs are split between you and dh so expensive but not not worth you working iyswim? I think you'd be mad to give up your job tbh, the thought of being financially dependent on anyone makes me feel sick.

Today's spends £3 meal deal and £2 charity collection.

[LonelyOversharer]

em I also don't think you should sahp. It's way too important for you not to give up your job, for many reasons. Yes, for a few years as a family you will be strapped for nursery fees, but then, before you can blink really, both your babies will be school age.

The Christmas bomb has gone off in the living room. Literally. Dd1 is currently putting eleventy billion drawing pins into my ceiling, attached to various homemade and/or sparkly things. She is happy.

[ChristmasSeacow]

I am loving the fact that everyone is talking about relations now. And paying attention to the italics 😂😂😂. When I read your posts, in my head relations is almost whispered. I hope you are all adhering to that irl

The work question is hard. It’s really easy to take the short-term view of comparing costs of childcare with net salary but it’s much more complex. For some it’s about independence, as Em says. Or mental health - some SAHPs build a good social network, others are quite isolated. For me it’s also about a couple of other important things: pension (even if I just broke even on my salary /childcare I’d be building some pension) and also risk mitigation: I’d feel very vulnerable if I didn’t work as I’d be worried about my ability to get back into work if I needed to (if we split up or DH became ill, or worse). Same applies whichever parent is SAH. One parent working = all eggs in one basket.

I am not suggesting that no one should stay at home. If a parent is happy to, even given the above considerations, then fair enough. And some simply don’t have the choice because the cost of childcare is more than their earnings. However, amongst the people I know it’s far more likely that they don’t have the choice for one parent not to work because both salaries are needed for the mortgage etc (I know a few people in that situation, myself included. Probably quite common in London because of house prices. )

Also, logistics change! Working was quite easy when DS was in nursery, it’s much harder now he’s at school and the days are short and holidays long. Without a termtime job or family help it’s pretty much impossible for both parents to work ft as annual leave doesn’t cover it all.

Grrr.

Meadow that does sound tough, vomiting bugs are the pits, I couldn’t manage the kids when I had one a few weeks ago, I could barely lift my head up for 24 hours so I am not surprised you need DH! I hope it passes soon. (Autumn, mini Meadow is coming up to 6m iirc- she’s almost exactly a year younger than my dd).

Hardly mutton, Fluffy 😂😂

Bit of spends today, £40 on hair colour and c £12 on top ups, mostly fruit. Need milk again tomorrow as I made a cheese sauce today and hadn’t thought ahead .

I’ve got 2 silly busy days ahead and then hoping to have time to breathe on Thursday.

[SnugglySnerd]

Night. From. Hell. I was just trying to persuade DD back to sleep and thinking I would happily pay for a night nanny at the moment. I bet Beyoncé doesn't have all this trouble with her dts.
Pity we can't afford it.

[SneakyGremlinsBrokeTheSleigh]

I've had relations recently but luckily 0% chance of pregnancy!

Snuggly

Going for coffee and cake today but my friend is treating me!

[Happierwithouthim]

sneaky

[ememem84]

girlie yes nursery costs are split between us. What I meant was it’ll wipe out almost all “my” wages (being the lower earners of the two of us). Financially if one of us was happy to sah it’s make sense for it to be me. Dh earns more than I do.

But anyway. It’s not happening. I’m going back to work. And it will only be temporary. Ds will get his free hours (hopefully unless the system here changes - currently everyone is entitled but they’re thinking of making it means tested so we wouldn’t qualify), then will be at school then the game changes again.

Christmas shopping day today. Dropping dh and ds into work and nursery then heading into town. Aim is to be done by lunchtime.

I submitted my invoices re drs yesterday and haven’t had an email re confirmation of receipt. So might have to resubmit. Sigh.

[AutumnLeaves12]

LOL!

Happier Thanks for asking. I'd probably better not answer. I am learning!

Em In your shoes, I would go back to work.

[LonelyOversharer]

snuggly the dts are probably going through a performance upgrade. This too shall pass. If you are working today I hope the big kids are super well behaved and let you have a sit down.

I am the cautionary sahp tale. My career slammed shut on me upon pregnancy. As a man, it would have been fine, but a woman and mother, nope. So I was an enforced sahp, felt like I was drowning for a long time, then my ex behaved very badly. So then I was a sahp with 3 very little babies and nothing. Hence the debt. So, 15 years on I have a job that I luckily enjoy when I'm not being picked on but earns me about 1/3 what my old job did, even if I had never got promoted in 15 years I would have .

Would I have traded a few years of heavy nursery hits?? On balance, probably if it had been possible for me.

[AutumnLeaves12]

Lonely that's useful to know. I also had no choice whatsoever. I couldn't have gone back to work. Partly because ds and I were welded together. But partly because my previous career was a constant trek back and forth across the atlantic, and it just wouldn't have been feasible for me.

Oddly, now I do feel as though I would like to get back to having a job and having proper company. I knackered though, so that is some way down the line.

[Wolfcub]

Morning all. Snuggly sorry to hear you had another rough night sending restful day (as much as can be hoped at work) vibes your way.
I checked the bank accounts this morning and discovered h has used the joint account again. He’s supposed to have been giving me his card after the last time. Grumpy text message sent in his direction.
Urgh must wake ds and go and start work - we’ve had an absolutely manic few weeks at work dealing with a major issue and I am wrung out.
Happy frugal Tuesday frugalfriends

[Bornlazy]

em I definitely think going part time would make a big difference to you. You would still get to keep your career but would get to spend more time with your DC and need to spend less on nursery fees. Hopefully then once the DC are older if you wanted to you could pick up more hours.

I don’t think I’d have coped with being a SAHP when mine were very young as it was such hard work... funnily enough now that they are at school all day I’d love to be one 😉

[Fluffycloudland77]

wolf That is bang out of order.

[AutumnLeaves12]

It's odd but this work v home thing seems to be so specific to different people and different lifestyles.

A close colleague of mine went straight back full time, including transatlantic travel, and never looked back. She had totally manic kids though, who would have run her ragged. Whereas my ds was a bf-ing bushbaby, who wanted nothing but snuggles. He would have been lost in a nursery or with a childminder.

I do get the feeling that it is all just so down to the individual family, and what works for them.

[Girliefriendlikesflowers]

I do think if possible working pt gives you a little bit of both worlds, when I first went back to work (dd was 7 months) I only worked 17 hours and this gradually increased to 22.5 hours where I would have happily stayed. Working 3 days a week for me was the perfect balance, still home more than you're at work but at work enough to keep up just about.

I had to increase to 30 hours in order to buy my share of this house, I find 30 hours feels like full time though. Even with dd being older it's surprising how much she still needs me about and so 30 hours is a struggle sometimes. Much better financially though.... I was also fortunate to be a working single parent at a time when the government supported us much better than they do now.

Anyway day off today, dd is cough cough cough but wants to go to school, am expecting a letter from the school soon as her attendance has been crap so far this year. She has an appointment with a paediatrician this afternoon so that will be useful hopefully.


I need to get all my Christmas gifts out and work out what's left to get, hopefully not much....