Finance-phobic

[Noellefielding]

I really need to face my finances for mine and my family's sake but I am so frightened of it and overwhelmed by how much I have neglected to be wise in the past.
Can anyone encourage me to face it? I really need someone to say something like "it will start to get better as soon as you start to face it" I need someone to hold my hand. I'm effectively hiding under the table covering my eyes.
Has anyone any experience of someone overcoming financial phobia? I do think that is, effectively, what I have, I am terrified.

Come over and join us on the November thread x

Are you in debt and need to get out of it, or spending money foolishly?

I have taken the ostrich position, just not been wise. not horrendously in debt but just in possession of a life untroubled by financial sense.
I wake up at 3 and 4 thinking how could I have been so stupid?
But I have always been like this to an extent. Money scares the bejaysus out of me and dh is similarly inept.
Thank you - Where is the november thread?

Your admitting there is a problem. You've took the first step.well done you.?
Its going to be tough and there might be a few bumps in the road. Make sure everyone oh/dc/bf etc are aware and on board.
Make a list incoming- outgoing- any debts. Start from there. You can see what needs to be done when you've written it down.
There's lots of advice,spread sheets etc on the money matter debt thread and lots of and sympathy.
I don't want to deal with stuff but when i start the overwhelming feeling will get better.xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train

Thank you both.
It's mostly that I am so ashamed of myself, I am literally just enveloped in shame it feels paralysing.

Speak to MA, CAB or StepChange to help you manage your budget better ?

Thank you.
What is MA?
I'll look up StepChange.
Well I'm in the process of just getting internet banking sorted so I can see where I am and start facing just that....

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en?ft_keyword=money%20advice%20service&ft_section=e&gclid=CJnPy5DIhsICFRHItAod30gACA

Is it rare to be as much of an idiot as I've been?
Am I an exceptional moron?
I do feel so ashamed of myself. It is physical, I feel like holding my head down really low and not looking at anyone, that is awful isn't it?
I don't understand how I have managed to avoid grappling with it for so long.
Does anyone understand the psychology of people like me?

Why do you feel ashamed? You say you are not massively in debt. Is there a bigger problem here (to you) something like you pay rent but feel like you should have a mortgage? There is a wealth of advice and things to read on the internet, try MSE, Skintdad, Mrs Moneypenny. Why not order Alvin Hall's book from Amazon - it is a great read and very down to earth.
Money is really nothing to be scared of per se, you earn it, you pay the bills and then save/spend the rest.
Are you concerned you don't have a pension or savings? do you fritter?
Come on, chin up - lots of help out there

It wont get better until you face the dragon.

Get a large pad of paper, calculator, bank statements and any other savings, etc info you have. Write down all your debts and outgoings and all of your income.

Grumpy, I just have not been grown up about it and I have not taken care of my future.. I don't even want to put it in writing. bUt it all feels like it's too late to do anything about any of it and it overwhelms me.
The shame is because I have had every opportunity to be sensible and know better and I haven't taken those opportunities just been immature about it and ostrich like. The shame of that is massive.

Noel, there is nothing you can do about the past only the future. Do what you can to put yourself in order now.
Don't beat yourself up about it. We all think tomorrow won't come but it does. I'm nearly 50 and still act immaturely. I should save more but spend far too much on stupid things. What you may ask? Me!! And no doubt that's what you've done.x

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, what is done is done, and unless you are 93 you have time to pull that head out from the sand and educate yourself about money and make some changes.
Hard to advise when you haven't really told us the full extent of your worries (which of course you don't have to) but I hope you will do some reading and start to formulate a plan.
Do come back if there is anything particular someone might be able to help with.

No you are not an exceptional moron, I have been like this too and I too am facing my demons. They go back many years as well.

Facing it is the first step and I can tell you there will be wobbles. I at early days in the process and I still feel like sticking my head in the sand, however I am going to one day be completely debt free and not doing what I did before.

Internet banking is a good idea, I've also just got mobile banking set up on my phone so I can sort things out or check things on the go.

Yes the shame is massive, but it's nothing to the shame you will feel if you do get 93 and are still doing this!

Come onto the debt thread!

Thanks so much for the advice.
I feel very nauseous but I am going to try.
First step is trying to get the bank to get me online, every time I try to set up I get defeated by the myriad password complexities... It plays into my horror at the whole thing.
The regret thing is a real obstacle, I lie in bed thinking at 3.45 playing the past over in my head and picturing how things could be now if i hadn't been so stupid.
I often wonder how much other people are full of regret and if it is more common than it seems when you look around.
but baby steps, and looking forward. I feel like one of those acute plane phobics being knocked out to be put on a plane... but you can't sort out your finances when you're knocked out... I think that's how I've been addressing it for years and years....
Which debt thread shall I go to? What's it called?
thanks
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It is hard but guess what you'll feel much better once you start to do something, once you get used to online banking it will become easier. My mobile banking is quick and simple to use and you can do loads on it, just a security question and then a password. Once you get used to checking all the time and perhaps just using cash maybe for a while which is what I'm doing you'll find you can stretch your money much easier.

Head across to the frugal thread in credit crunch to start some new habits, if you can have lots of low or no spend days that will help and get you into good habits.

I used to feel sick about looking at my accounts - well that's not going to happen anymore!

Chin up!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

This is the debt thread.

it will all be ok. last year I finally cleared student loan and a mountain of credit card debt. I have had to curb my spending and finally am ending he year with savings. not a huge amount. but some.

it will take time, it will be hard, but you can do it.

my advice - from someone who's been there would be to start small. Don't try to go cold turkey on everything. It will just make you feel more miserable.

if you spend £2 a day on coffee (as I did) stop this. cut down to one day a week as a treat.

pull your bank statements, work out where you're spending frivolously. work out exactly how much you owe. and how long it will take you to pay it off if you make minimum payments, and also timeframe re reasonable, affordable payments.

it will be ok.

I'm so sorry that you feel like this. There's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's great that you're facing up to it. I used to be similar in the past and I really empathise with what you're going through right now.

The good news is that it's not too late. Changing things for one day means one better day than you've had in the past. All those days will add up to a year and you will have made a really good start on turning things around.

You might need to do some reflection about what might be holding you back from being able to deal with it. We avoid things that scare us (flight or fright), and as you've correctly identified, avoiding it is exactly what makes it worse and ultimately more difficult to deal with. This might sound bonkers in a thread about money, but it might be worth looking into mindfulness meditation - it can be a way of dealing with really uncomfortable feelings while moving towards what you care about in life. It will also help you to get past the shame. Lots of good resources here bemindful.co.uk and the Headspace app is very good and popular.

Here are some practical tips that helped me

1. Get organised with folders for your bank statements and get into the habit of opening your post (I bet you're not...?), looking at the statement and filing them.

1. Make a list of all your big monthly outgoings outgoings - you can do this on the back of an envelope if you can't face Excel, or using one of the websites. It's just vital to see all your commitments. Then use switch sites etc to reduce outgoings and identify things you can cut out.

1. Set aside a morning a month to review finances, switch bills, identify savings, make decisions and generally keep up to date. It's easier if it's an appointment that you have to keep.

1. Get an app that tracks your spending and put everything on it - coffees, tights, groceries, the lot. I use a free one called 'Spending Log' but there are lots out there. Seeing it written down really concentrates the mind and allows you to make much better choices about what to do differently (instead of the mindset that 'just doesn't know where it all goes').

1. Could you get a real life spending accountability buddy - maybe a friend you could open up to who could give you some support and gentle challenge.

I wish you lots of luck, and some kindness to yourself.

huge thanks hackney lady, huge thanks.

I have had a slight reprieve as I have just discovered.. get this, this is financephobetastic, that I've been paying council tax into my previous borough for... i can't tell you how long, they just sent me a chi for the full amount, they didn't have my address... I was so freaked out when I faced my demons and realised I might have lost it all!
So most of it will go on an unpaid tax bill but it has cleared some of the perpetual overdraft......
but it is symbolic of how phobic I am.
I agree Hackney.. the fears run really deep and I am interested that there is so little literature about finance freaks like me in psychology and psychotherapy. Or if there is I haven't found it. I would love to know why I am like this but maybe that's just another prevarication approach!
Any encouragement is massively appreciated thank you.... I'm going to hit that thread on Monday.

You're making progress, just being aware will help.

Hi, Noelle, was thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Hope things are a little better and you're being kind to yourself.