Parenting with Long Covid

[Faithless675]

Hi dear mumsnetters,

I’m looking for some advice, tips, perhaps a handhold, some hope.

My partner and I are in our early 30’s, we both have long covid and have done for a couple of years. My partner is worse than me and is quite unwell although we have periods where we’re OK (think hours, or a day or 2, rather than longer periods). We do not have children but would both really love to have children. Prior to developing long COVID we were absolutely planning to have children. Now the future is looking very bleak and we’re not sure we’re able to given our health issues. For context, if we have done too much one day we can then be bedridden for a number of days, my partner more so. We’re of course very aware of the energy required for parenting. Outside of this, i think we would both make really wonderful parents.

I wondered if there’s any mums here who have long COVID, or ME, who have had children since, or had children before, and could share any thoughts or tips. I guess i’m trying to figure out if it’s realistic to even think about it, or whether it’s a dream that isn’t meant to be… 😞 it’s difficult to let go of.

Thanks in advance x

OP, that's so hard. I'm sorry. Over time, have your symptoms improved or got worse? I had my kids before I got long covid, but they are still very young. Personally, I struggle with the massive impact it has had on their quality of life.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your health struggles, for both you and your partner. I have had ME/CFS since glandular fever age 20 but it has relapsed and remitted over the years (now early 40's). During a relapse I need to be very careful regarding activity levels. Would you say fatigue and post exertional malaise is your most problematic symptom? Have you had an Occupational Therapy advice regarding fatigue management? Or what rehab/therapy have you had (if any?). I say that as you want to be optimally managing your condition before considering children. I have 2 children (8yo and 2yo). After my first DC I had a massive crash and post natal depression and it took me a good 2-3 years to get back to my 'normal'. Hence the large age gap between my kids. I didn't have that after DC2. I think if you have good family support and/or are able to outsource cleaning/childcare then it is doable. What are the financial considerations if you are your partner are unable to work or you need to reduce hours? You have to accept that you may have to parent differently, for example I cannot be as active with my kids as I would have liked. It is hard for sure, and I do think my health has suffered at times but I don't regret having kids and they have a great and loving childhood. The below link is helpful (apologies if it is stuff you already know!)

https://www.rcot.co.uk/recovering-covid-19-post-viral-fatigue-and-conserving-energy

I have cfs (10 years), I'm also a single parent to 3 dc. I had them all before becoming ill. It has definitely impacted their lives and for that I feel guilty. They are registered as young carers but get no support at all. We live on benefits as I had to stop working. They can't do the activities their friends do because I can't take them/can't afford it/ no longer able to drive. I rely on them to help around the house. They are amazing and never complain, doing excellent at school, one is now at university but wouldn't move away. If I had dc while ill I don't think I'd have coped with the preschool years (my youngest was in reception when I became ill so could rest all day while they were at school), school holidays exhaust me and we rarely leave the house (which is another area of guilt).
I think it depends on how your affected but for me I don't think it would have been possible.

Hi op, really sorry to hear what you are going through.

I don’t have any conditions but what I can say is that one of the worst things I’ve found about being a parent is having to take care of little kids/babies when you’re ill yourself and you can’t rest. It’s horrible. You also need to prioritise your own health and look after yourself.

And the PP is a bellend.

Literally what is wrong with you? You’re also making a big assumption that OP got long covid after the vaccines because she has not confirmed this.

Why are you choosing to be up at this hour posting really UNHELPFUL replies to people who are in pain? Get a fucking life.

My point is that telling someone to go back in time (and for something they have not confirmed) is nasty. You are being nasty, nothing more. Op is asking for genuine advice.

Sorry you have been so unwell OP.

I think in your early 30s you have time and some options but as a women In particular you are right to think long and hard about it.

i don't have long term health issues so perhaps not that useful but here goes anyway 😅
Things to consider

• Pregnancy can be anything from a total breeze to crippling in terms of physical health.
• Add onto that the psychological/ mental health pressures that come from hormones and sleep deprivation and it is challenging. PND is real and experienced by many.
• There are no guarantees, you may also have a child with health issues or developmental issues.
• One of the hardest things is being ill with a baby... This is surpassed only by being ill when the baby is ill... We have been relatively lucky but honestly there is no "rest" and I find it very hard. Example: This Christmas we were all recovering from flu (despite all getting the jab) I was on my last good nerve and then somehow (how???! We only went out once in 9 days for food) everyone then got fucking D&V... 🤯🤯🤯 Longest fortnight of my life...

I'd always read "nothing can prepare you for parenthood." And thought what a trite smug little hackneyed cliche it was... But annoyingly, it's quite true.

I was an educated financially comfortable 38 year old with a good husband, good home and good support from family and friends... I thought I had been hit by a fucking dump truck when my DD arrived.
She brings me so much joy as a toddler and I am madly in love with her but it is harder and more demanding than I imagined.

In your shoes I'd be looking to give myself options.
You are lucky enough to have met your DH already so I'd be seeking to preserve my fertility now and be researching freezing embryos (which has a very decent success rate).
That will give you time to:

• to think more about kids / work out what is right for you
• financially plan & save (money and savings that can be deployed makes life easier)
• see how your&DHs health progresses. In 2 years you might have a totally different outlook.

i think you must be either drunk or stoned. Start your own thread if you want to talk about that. Has absolutely no relevance to Op’s question.

Op, sorry you’re having to put up with these horrible posts from Cliffs. I’ve reported them a couple of times now so hopefully the posts will be removed.

Jesus Christ

I’ve suspended the troll

Hi everyone thanks so much for all the messages, wow! I didn’t expect so many. Sorry for the delay, i had a big crash. Luckily it seems that i missed the troll comments, thank you to those who reported and blocked 🙏🏻 some really helpful and thoughtful responses.

it has got worse but as someone asked earlier in the thread, i don’t think i’m managing it optimally so i will definitely look into doing that.

also hearing what people are saying re: parenting in general being incredibly tough, even without conditions and this is the part that does worry me!

Hi OP,
I've got long covid and have two kids. It's so hard. I know it's not what you want to hear but in your situation I wouldn't have kids.

Mine were 5 and 8 when I first got covid and the first two years of my illness were so hard on them and me- I don't know how I would have coped if they were younger and my partner picked up a huge amount to compensate for me; your husband is ill as well so this isn't even an option for you two.

I've learned over the past 12 months to manage my symptoms a lot better but that is only possible as they are older and more self sufficient allowing me to rest more. I just could not have done that when they were babies / toddlers; as other PPs have said that's an insanely tiring and difficult period for someone in full health let alone anyone coping with a chronic debilitating illness.

Best of luck OP

Coming on to give a bit of a positive spin on it...although maybe not that positive!

I have had (and still have) Long Covid. It's mild now and morphed into more of an auto immune condition I think (also have endometriosis).

I had my DCs early 30s when I was fit and healthy. DH was the same. He also now has mild Long Covid.

When I first got LC i was very very poorly. In bed / sofa for 6-9 months then progressively very gradually improved. Now 4 years on I am about 90% most of the time, sometimes totally fine, other times I need to rest more. I can live mostly normally and have been able to for 18 months, I can care fully for my DCs (now 11 and 8). When I was really ill they were 7 and 4 so a lot harder work. I relied hugely on my husband and we paid for help (cleaner, babysitters) when we needed it. It got us through. It was tough though and they weren't even babies of course. Things are much better now and if I was pregnant I would feel I could cope but I don't want that as I am too old and it wouldn't be ideal for me now given energy levels but if I had no children i would 100% go for it again (still now even at less than full health). They are the biggest joy in my life.

So if I were you what would i consider:

• How long into LC are you (it's likely to get better and improve)
• What's the financial situation, is this likely to be stable and improve so that you can afford some help if and when you need it?

I would absolutely not write off the prospect of children because of LC. It may be a bit later but it can still happen. If you join some of the Facebook recovery groups there are lots of people who have had babies and actually improved during pregnancy / coped.

I wish you luck OP as it's a truly awful predicament to be in and I feel so sad for you. I am so grateful to have already had my children 'before' but like I say....almost 4 years on now and if I didn't already have them i would most definitely be trying as I do feel well enough.