Mentally ruined and I need it to stop

[mellowgonewrong]

Hello, I will try to keep this short but paint the picture as best I can...if you read this I truly thank you ..... In short I guess I am looking for reasurrace from strangers from the Internet! because I'm truly at my whits end and any energy , smiles, positivity and focus is saved for my son who I never want to see mommy cry or stop him living his best life because of my issues.

I don't know how or when it got so bad but basically Im consumed 24 hrs a day with what ifs about giving others covid and now its manifested itself to any illness .....my brain tells me I would be the worst person ever to have passed something on ( unknowingly like covid) or knowingly if I had a cold say and then It went to flu and so to avoid that im constantly risk assessing my life :(

im so so sad about this ...I was a very strong upbeat person but im worn down ...as you can imagine life with a 5 year old a large family causes me so much stress and worry as im constantly going ahead with all plans because I so desperately want to be normal but secretly harbouring all these thoughts that I come away from any gathering or meeting with worries of what if tmrw is the day im now illl and I was with this person or at that event ...and so it goes on.im exhausted :(

im having counselling and have spoke to doctors of which I've tried tablets for anxiety and stress BUT still I know this isn't what I need , I need something to click in my head that gives me the green light to live again guilt free because I know pre covid I was normal and everyone I see I im so worried I look and act different that I over compensate and then analyse that !!!!

did the news and constantly being at home during the last 3 years result in this ..im the the most introverted in all my family but never shyed away from anything...

Im going to stop now but yes if any one can share some words of re assurance or even a stern stop It lol maybe its just what I need to hear . I feel my personality has malfunctioned ....can you care too much about others !!!

Oh @mellowgonewrong I am so sorry that you are suffering this anxiety. I am no expert at all and I don't have much in the way of wisdom but I am sure this will get better. Talking therapy I think would be the best for this. Being open about these fears and bringing them out of the shadows so to speak is often the best way of conquering them. Like the monster under the bed when you are a kid, lifting the bed and shining a light makes the monster disappear or is easy to reassess.
Is it possible for you to get this, even privately?

did the news and constantly being at home during the last 3 years result in this This certainly won’t have helped.

are you getting OCD specific counselling?

Overinflated sense of responsibility for others' wellbeing is a massive feature of OCD, so yes, you can have one.
While I guess it is possible that something might just click in your head, recovery from mental health issues is more commonly a long slow crawl with some setbacks. Be kind to yourself. It is normal for recovery to take time. Your problems almost certainly did not appear overnight so they will take a while to work them out. In the meantime, try to notice every bit of progress, every single time you hold the feelings in check for your little one's sake, and be proud of yourself. To keep on with plans etc despite all your worries is both the right thing to do and incredibly brave.

I think you need a course of CBT, you can access this very quickly privately, and certainly the GP should be willing to refer if they have already tried tablets

I think you need to be realistic OP. Rather than hoping for something to suddenly click in your head, you need to take this seriously as a mental illness and work hard at CBT exercises.

Thank you soooo much for the replies on this ...I won't lie im crying reading them as just feel so sad this is happening to me .....I look back and am clinging on to the person I used to be for dear life... my husband Is amazing lol he's desperate for me to tell him I need him to get home early from work or im off to get my hair done or anything for me but as described risk factoring everything means all of that gets pushed wayyyy down the line of importance....I will always push forwards for myself and my family ..its weird Im not scared to be out or do things ..I WANT to but just not deal with the dread feeling that I have each time because truly im feeling it physically ..I think I hold my tension in my body all day and then breath and look 2 sizes bigger from bloated ness

I know there are far worse issues people are suffering with in this world I even feel selfish saying all of this about myself .....
I won't reply again as I sound like a broken record in my own head but know I appreciate every single response.

I am sorry you are going through this. As other posters have said you should work with your counsellor to consider OCD. The intrusive thoughts and the way they make you do things differently sound similar.

I am so sorry OP. You can overcome this. I also recommend CBT - I know you mentioned counselling, if it’s not CBT I really would urge you to look into it. I have had terrible trouble with anxiety and intrusive thoughts (food and body dysmorphia) since I was a teenager and CBT in conjunction with medication really, really worked. I didn’t expect it to but it really helped me rationalise things. Good luck ❤️

I've felt like this too, I was constantly looking out for coughs and sniffles etc, but not out of worry for myself, but fear of spreading something. Also I was incredibly anxious of how I'd manage my autistic son if we couldn't leave the house. I seemed to lurch from one worry to the next with no let up. Lately though, I have felt improvement, it's not gone completely but my ability to rationalise seems to be returning.

I think it helps that I work in retail and literally no-one else seems to give a shit about it. I don't want to be like that, but I think their attitude is taking the edge off my guilt.

I took antidepressants for a while and they helped a bit, but my mind would find ways to override them.

Thank you for your post, its the only real description I've read for how I've felt. I've read from people with health anxiety, but it's not that really. I'm not going to assume it's gone for me, but I really do feel more myself the last few weeks.

I am so glad you do ...and long may it last. I hope things shift for me soon as its pretty miserable but I KNOW this is not permanent and with continued help get better. truly feel better knowing others understand ..x

I'm so pleased that you're getting help and agree that yes, you will get better. I would recommend, if you have the strength, reading the book "When the Dust Settles" by Lucy Easthope, who is a disaster planner. Two passages have really helped me, one was this quote

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

This really helped me with the feeling of wanting to get back to who I was before, which she says is totally natural, but it's sort of part of the process to realise that at least in some way you will be forever changed by traumatic events, but life goes on.

The other was something she said along the lines of wanting to reach out to everyone suffering during covid-times and let them know that it wasn't their fault that they weren't coping to varying degrees and that it was entirely natural for people to be falling apart a bit in all the circumstances.

In my opinion we were all made to feel very, very afraid for ourselves but if not for others, and it is not surprising that some people are still struggling (to varying degrees). I wish you a speedy recovery 💐