Can’t go to work and headteacher unimpressed

[BrutusMcDogface]

I mean, I can’t blame him as it’s a ball ache for him but there’s no need to be rude, is there?! I had covid and my kids are getting it one at a time which will be two weeks off for me. Wtf can I do, though? Aibu? No I’m not!! Anyone else in this boat and being faced by a grumpy boss?

@londonmummy1966

"My husband works away"

Unless he's military on deployment or something similar I'm afraid that isn't good enough. If the children are sick enough/young enough to require a parent at home then the two of you should be splitting that equally between you. It is not fair on your colleagues, pupils and their families for you to take all the time off to avoid inconveniencing your DH's employer.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Do you really only think military people work away?

My dad was a sailor on an oil tanker. My husband worked on a remote island for three month stretches. My friend's husband is a long-haul trucker. My cousin works on an oil rig in the North. My sister has a job that involves flying to hospitals around the world to implement computer systems. None of them can just decide not to go, there are major logistical elements to this kind of work. For that matter, some domestic jobs are like that, another friend of mine is a lawyer, if he has a court date he can't just stay home.

The fact is that some jobs have less flexibility than others. It's one of the big reasons many people, particularly women, choose workplaces that have a certain amount of built in flexibility, good union agreements, and so on. It's so they can be the parent who can manage the domestic sphere while the other parent does work that is typical much less flexible but probably more remunerative.

That's just the reality of the workforce. You can't force couples to both have jobs with the exact same parameters and considerations, that doesn't even make sense.

@donquixotedelamancha and how do you deal with the problem that people don't want to be teachers? Numbers applying for teacher training are continuing to fall. You can blame it on money but if you look at all the threads on here from teachers leaving the profession, it's not money that is the problem it is working conditions and the lack of flexibility in teaching compared to other jobs. Increasingly companies are offering hybrid working from home. The Civil Service is now very flexible. Not so teaching. You can never leave a class unattended. If you are ill in a lesson, cover needs to be found immediately. If you are sick, work needs to be set in your absence.
There will never be enough money to have specialist teachers on tap to cover day to day absences.
I am sure the same kind of problems exist in the NHS
There has to be innovative ways of coping with staff shortages and throwing money at the problem is not going to happen. Should we introduce paying teachers overtime for D of E etc?
Schools increasingly are seen as 'safe' places. The pandemic taught us that. There are increasing demands on schools to provide pastoral care. Everybody is an expert about what schools need to teach and that teaching is a vocation. There are huge expectations about how schools should be run.
I think Headteachers and Governors are finding their roles increasingly difficult and they have to look at new ways of organising school life.

@TheKeatingFive

It really isn't as simple as just coming home for all people who work away.

It may not be. However, those employing the parent 100% responsible for all child absences might not be entirely thrilled with the situation. And I wouldn't blame them.

But this is just the reality of a society where it's normal for two parents to work.

There are situations like mine - I am a low earner, my husband earns more, but also has a much better union agreement. So in some ways it is easier for him to take time off. On the other hand if push came to shove and one of us had to lose our job, it would have to be me.

But a lot of high earning jobs are high earning precisely because they expect you to be available all the time or in a way that is much less flexible. I know lots of men who work in the oil industry, and a few women. They can earn a lot, but the fact is they are spending six months of the year at a camp that takes at least four days travel to get to, and that is assuming the weather is good enough for the plane to land.

The only couples I know who both work in places like that don't have kids. The couples I know where both have long hour jobs like being a doctor or lawyer have nannies.

and how do you deal with the problem that people don't want to be teachers? Numbers applying for teacher training are continuing to fall. You can blame it on money but if you look at all the threads on here from teachers leaving the profession, it's not money that is the problem it is working conditions and the lack of flexibility in teaching compared to other jobs.

It's both. Teacher pay has been cut by 20% in the last decase, so it's no longer competative with other roles.

At the same time the has been massive underinvestment, money syphoned off to academy chains and a dismantling of the structures which suppoted schools. Behaviour and morale are at historicly low levels so the job satisfaction which previously kept teahers accepting low pay is gone.

None of the, perfectly valid, things you suggest will happen without more money.

But this is just the reality of a society where it's normal for two parents to work.

And that doesn't mean the employer getting the shitty end of that stick is going to be happy about it.

So that has to be something 'managed' within your family set up also, rather than expecting employers to suck it up with a smile.

"My husband works away"

Unless he's military on deployment or something similar I'm afraid that isn't good enough. If the children are sick enough/young enough to require a parent at home then the two of you should be splitting that equally between you. It is not fair on your colleagues, pupils and their families for you to take all the time off to avoid inconveniencing your DH's employer.

😆😆😆😆 🙄

This is why emergency parental leave exists. As you will have to take the time unpaid then the Head could use the savings to employ supply cover.

@TheKeatingFive

But this is just the reality of a society where it's normal for two parents to work.

And that doesn't mean the employer getting the shitty end of that stick is going to be happy about it.

So that has to be something 'managed' within your family set up also, rather than expecting employers to suck it up with a smile.

No, but I think they have to be realistic.

I actually don't think the model where you have families with both partners in FT work is a very good or sustainable one. But it's the one that society has come to expect, and in many cases it's become a necessity for people. Governments want it, and business wants it, they want all that productivity to tax and to send profits up the line.

That being the case, the workforce has to accommodate the needs of family life, and it will not work for that to always be shared equally. Either one person will have to have more flexibility, or there will have to be really good childcare provision, or enough pay for parents to hire a nanny. Right now the latter is often limited to parents with two fairly high professional salaries.

DH and I are both teachers so similar pay therefore we split time off and manage to piss off two Headteachers rather than just one. It is the reality of life with kids though. Other European countries even offer paid leave if parents need to provide short term care for a sick child or other relative, eg in the Netherlands it is 70% of your normal pay or more if that would take you below minimum wage.

No, but I think they have to be realistic.

Well they have businesses/schools/ departments to run. That's their priority.

Emergency parental leave exists for a reason and an employer has every right to expect that that be shared as equally as possible across parents - and not to be at all happy when they're picking up all of the tab.

For those with jobs working away, if that parent is picking up more than their fair share when at home, that would be one thing. But if it's just unilaterally expected that one parent takes all the leave I don't think you can expect that employer to think that's fine

It is completely out of my control but I still feel like I’ve done something wrong and am in the doghouse

How people react when things are tough is a really significant marker of what they are like as a person. Taking their frustrations out on you might be understandable but is really not ok. That the point of a manager.

My current manager gets this really right, so that we on his team would literally go through fire for him.

Bide your time, and look for a new job elsewhere. Let natural selection do its work. Good luck.

Sorry OP should have done advance search first.

If the dad can't step in then you need to make emergency childcare arrangements. Workplaces have to give you one day off but you are meant to make alternative arrangements after that. I can't just take time off, kids or no kids, work doesn't stop

@gogohm

If the dad can't step in then you need to make emergency childcare arrangements. Workplaces have to give you one day off but you are meant to make alternative arrangements after that. I can't just take time off, kids or no kids, work doesn't stop

What sort of emergency childcare can you put in for a child with Covid?? It's not like you can put Granny at risk, even if you do have family around and not likely that many emergency nannies etc will want to come into a house with Covid.

@TheKeatingFive

No, but I think they have to be realistic.

Well they have businesses/schools/ departments to run. That's their priority.

Emergency parental leave exists for a reason and an employer has every right to expect that that be shared as equally as possible across parents - and not to be at all happy when they're picking up all of the tab.

For those with jobs working away, if that parent is picking up more than their fair share when at home, that would be one thing. But if it's just unilaterally expected that one parent takes all the leave I don't think you can expect that employer to think that's fine

Why exactly do employers have a right to expect that it will be shared by all parents? We don't even allow them to ask questions about that sort of thing, like whether you are a single parent, your spouse's position, in interviews. Precisely because they have no such right.

If it were down simply to provide/service provision, there are all kinds of corners employers could cut which would benefit them. They can't not only because it would be unethical in many cases but because it just isn't realistic.

This is the flip side of the expectation that both parents work. It will often not be possible for both to share all household tasks in equal measure. If a fair number workplaces can't accommodate that, the model is flawed.

This is also the primary reason for the sex pay gap, so sure, we could argue that the concept doesn't really work. It might be better in many ways to say that it should be more possible to live on one income. But I don't really see that change taking hold. And not, mainly, because workers would not accept it.

Why exactly do employers have a right to expect that it will be shared by all parents?

Because it affects their businesses and service and the people they deliver to.

I'd be mightily pissed if I knew my employee was taking all the load. I imagine most employers have a very fair idea when this is happening, even if it isnt something they can ask explicitly.

Op, if your kids feel ok why can't you send them to school? Then you can go to work?!

Employers need to keep the business operating or everyone will be out of a job
They need staff in
Some staff even before Covid seem to think sick child equates to (Paid) time of work
And mainly is women IME
My DH and I always shared the required time off

@TheKeatingFive

Why exactly do employers have a right to expect that it will be shared by all parents?

Because it affects their businesses and service and the people they deliver to.

I'd be mightily pissed if I knew my employee was taking all the load. I imagine most employers have a very fair idea when this is happening, even if it isnt something they can ask explicitly.

So do you feel upset about single parents? Even if they are single because they chose to have a child alone?

It's no business of the employer how the family arranges their working lives in relation to each other, that is their private home life. If the job is entitled to certain kinds of time off, sick days, family days, etc, an employee can legitimately use them. Those kinds of provisions are a major reason why people take these kinds of jobs that are often relatively poorly paid.

My husband works as a government scientist - what's interesting is that a high proportion of the other scientists are women. It's similar to government lawyers. Why - because they have great provision for things like kid's sick days, flex time, and predictable hours. Unlike people in those sectors working in a university or law firm.

@BrutusMcDogface

Oh I’m sure it is, and I really don’t envy him at the moment. My husband works away

It is completely out of my control but I still feel like I’ve done something wrong and am in the doghouse.

We have to take unpaid leave to cover childcare responsibilities or use our leave. I’m assuming that’s what you are doing too?

So do you feel upset about single parents? Even if they are single because they chose to have a child alone?

I'm not personally upset about anything. I'm saying employers have the right to be. I'm not an employer.

But no, single parents are a totally different situation because one employer isn't being screwed over to favour the other.

It's no business of the employer how the family arranges their working lives in relation to each other, that is their private home life.

I think you'll find an employer may not necessarily agree with you if they're the ones being disadvantaged.

This would have been unpaid leave in all the schools I've worked in. No one ever, even in Covid times, took four weeks unpaid leave!

Yes offer to take unpaid leave in answer to 'what can I do?'
Unless you can be setting or teaching remote learning to kids that are also isolating ?