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Original poster

If you're still staying indoors, what would make you feel ready to go out again ?

37 replies

rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:13

I have a reason for asking. My DPs are in their 80s and DM has taken covid very seriously. She will do the odd trip to the bank taking the bus there and back, but will not let DF out at all as he is older and has health issues.

Fair enough but DF is 88 and doesn't want to be protected. He wants to go out for the odd meal and mooch round Marks and Spencers, but DM won't let him.

I suggested recently that they could come and visit us as DM will let us in their house so I thought it would be ok and I could pick and drop them off and they wouldn't need to do anything else, but it would at least be a change of scene. But no DM doesn't feel comfortable and wants to wait until the numbers go down - but even when the numbers were low she wouldn't do anything.

If DF was happy with the situation I'd be fine, but as I said he's not. Prior to covid DM did seem to have some medical anxiety.

So I'm just wondering if anyone is still being very cautious, or recently stopped being so cautious, what or when do you think will be the trigger to start going out again?

OP posts:
Bailey48 · 26/01/2022 19:24

This is such a shame for you all. My parents luckily are the opposite

What about calling no panic or anxiety U.K. for some advice as they give out great advice you parents are also older so life is passing by but I understand the anxiety

Good luck

lightand · 26/01/2022 19:28

If DF went out, what would DM do?

Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:32

@lightand DF wouldn't do that. He has a slight touch of memory loss and I don't think he'd feel confident on his own. He brought DM to the hospital for an eye operation and said he might go to the shops whilst waiting and DM said she'd cancel her operation if he did.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 26/01/2022 19:35

Your mum is controlling your dad. She might be anxious but it's no excuse.
Go over, pick up your poor dad and take him out for the day.

WorriedGiraffe · 26/01/2022 19:36

Can you not take your dad out without your mum?

LittleWingSoul · 26/01/2022 19:38

The main issue here is the controlling behaviour, not Covid. I'm sorry op, this sounds really tough for you to be caught in the middle of.

TracyMosby · 26/01/2022 19:39

Again, sounds like your mum is both anxious and controlling. Mine is the same.

Nidan2Sandan · 26/01/2022 19:42

Go and pick up your Dad and take him out.

My Mum has a friend like your DM. This friend and her DH still are unvaccinated, not because they dont want it, they really really do. But it means going out where The Public are and she is too scared.

My Mum asks her when she will feel comfortable coming out, and she said when there is no more covid. So never in other words.

They are only mid 60s, no health issues or anything. Its horrific.

MrsBungle · 26/01/2022 19:44

If I were you I’d go and pick up my dad and take him out for the day. He must feel imprisoned!

Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:47

If I took DF out for the day, I'm not sure DM would have him back, I don't want to blast open their lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:49

Selfishly I don't want to have to look after DF. In many ways they are happy together, I believe she is doing it because she wants to protect him and is worried about being left on her own as she is 5 years younger.
Also she didn't really enjoy eating out - has stomach complaints- so she doesn't miss it as much as DF does.

OP posts:
Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:49

@Bailey48 I might check out those anxiety sites.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 26/01/2022 19:50

@rookiemere

If I took DF out for the day, I'm not sure DM would have him back, I don't want to blast open their lives.
That's ridiculous. Has anyone pointed out how ridiculous she is?
Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:52

@shouldistop I have tried. It's so silly now as her risk assessments aren't even accurate.

We weren't allowed to visit until 9th January as we had ( wfh all boostered up christmas visitors) except by that time DS was back at school so genuinely much more likely to pass it on, so I didn't bring him because he was studying for exams.

Bizarrely for someone so worried about catching covid , she reuses masks and doesn't insist on us LFT testing before we visit- we do anyway.

OP posts:
Garysmum · 26/01/2022 19:52

Can DM drive? Just wondering if you could have them both over in March/April to sit out in your garden for afternoon tea?

Or could you collect them, everyone wear masks in the car, windows open and then do afternoon tea.

You could sit socially distanced and make it special by getting some scones and clotted cream in (or anything else for that matter.)

shouldistop · 26/01/2022 19:53

It's such a shame that her anxiety is affecting her and your dad so badly Sad
I take it she wouldn't speak to a doctor about it?

Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:54

@Garysmum I will try again in the spring, but that's what has prompted this - me trying to set up an actual date for them to visit.

We live an hour away, she's worried about DF driving but doesn't like driving on the motorway, so I volunteered to pick them up, but no numbers too high.

OP posts:
Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 19:57

@shouldistop she doesn't accept that she has anxiety, she used to be a doctor so she thinks her view is correct. They're double jabbed and boosted.

I refuse to play along, she wants me to cut her hair, I suggested she get a mobile hairdresser to come to her in the garden, but no because someone she knows caught covid off a mobile hairdresser a year ago.

OP posts:
JustJustWhy · 26/01/2022 19:57

Whenever I read any reference to anyone "not letting" another person do something I am reminded (not that I need to be) why I love being eternally single by choice. I can't imagine being allowed or not allowed to do something.

Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 20:00

I guess I was hoping to hear from people who were like this, but gradually got back into doing things. If there was some way I could ease her along then we could build up to them being able to do a bit more by the summer.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 26/01/2022 20:14

I’m so sorry to hear this OP, it must be really hard to know how to help without a fall out. I would try and have a heart to heart with your mum and say you understand her worries but that your dad wants to go out and should be free to do so and not going out could lead to other medical issues for him(mental and physical).

lightand · 26/01/2022 20:22

Your mother is being neither rational nor reasonable. It wont matter in the slightest what other people are doing.

Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 20:28

@lightand I just thought there must be some people who have been pretty locked down and then gradually readjusted.

Argh we're not a good family for communication. I really don't want to have to speak to her about it, I can't see it going well.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 26/01/2022 20:28

It sadly doesn’t sound like she’s ready to be ‘eased in’ to anything.
She’s weirdly comfortable with life as it is so has no incentive to change. Until she’s prepared to accept her fears and responses are irrational she won’t let you to anyone do anything about it.
She clearly seems to think her behaviour is totally justified.
She is being controlling and it’s starting to border on abusive in my opinion.

Original poster
rookiemere · 26/01/2022 20:30

Yes it's true @Smartiepants79 , and I guess explains why she will let us visit when rationally she knows I've been at the gym etc. and DS is at school.

I just genuinely thought she'd be ok with a visit to our house, they don't even have to go out.

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