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Original poster

Careless B.I.L on Xmas Eve.... What should I do?

15 replies

Eh1010 · 25/12/2021 01:15

Long winded one here, sorry. Not even sure it'll be read before Christmas day is in full swing! I'm just very anxious and don't know what to do for the best!

We have a 6 month old daughter, we've been looking forward to spending her first Christmas with family this year, especially after isolating lady Christmas.

We have been testing (LFT) each day for 10 days. We have been out, but taken what i would say "managed risks"... Open spaces, small groups, with everyone testing, table service, mask wearing etc, and when going out earlier this week with friends, arranged MIL to care for baby so she was less at risk.

Our reason? We don't want to isolate over Xmas , we don't want to make anyone else Ill or spread, but MOSTLY- We want to minimise risk to our daughter.

My brother in law called my husband this evening. Clearly drunk, in a very loud, busy bar - renowned for 'predrinks' and excess with local youngns. We are supposed to be spending Christmas and boxing day with him and alternate in laws.

I feel like this was a bit of a thoughtless thing to do - I know I sound mean. It's his life. But, it impacts our day. I really want this cancel, but I know this is unfair and won't go down well. I thought perhaps I could say I'd rather he didn't sit near her/ hold her - is this ott? Though he will still be in the same small living room with her etc. And i sound like the Grinch...

What other suggestions/precautions could I take - or should we just stay home? I'm so torn and upset, I can't sleep and it's really put a dampener on what should be such a wonderful memory for us all.

Sorry, if you got this far- needed a rant and some advice!

OP posts:
Billi77 · 25/12/2021 01:18

Get him do do a LF test before coming to you? Everyone is permanently taking risks, even you.

Jumpingintochristmas · 25/12/2021 01:25

In all honesty I think you are overreacting. You could easily have caught it in the situations you mention too. LFT all round and be realistic.

Original poster
Eh1010 · 25/12/2021 01:27

@Billi77

Get him do do a LF test before coming to you? Everyone is permanently taking risks, even you.
I understand what you mean, and as I said - we have, of course been taking risks, but selectively.

Am I right in thinking that after being in contact/contracting it can take 3 days for a positive LFT?

I know I'm being a little irrational, maybe it's being a first time parent?! I still ask my husband to shower and change clothes before he holds her when he comes home from work!

Perhaps I just need to get over myself. I just feel it's a little inconsiderate given the circumstances of Christmas but maybe I'm just being unreasonable.

OP posts:
milkysmum · 25/12/2021 01:32

Whilst I understand you are obviously anxious, I do think it's a little bit unreasonable to think about not asking him to come if im honest. Unless you are completely isolating ( which you have already said you are not ) you may well be exposed to covid at any point going about your day to day lives. As for getting DH to change/ shower when coming in/before holding baby- really? Are people still doing this now, im not sure this is in any way required. I think we have to all now accept covid Luke we do every other virus that goes around. We cannot continue to live in anxiety soaked bubbles for ever.

Original poster
Eh1010 · 25/12/2021 01:40

@milkysmum

Whilst I understand you are obviously anxious, I do think it's a little bit unreasonable to think about not asking him to come if im honest. Unless you are completely isolating ( which you have already said you are not ) you may well be exposed to covid at any point going about your day to day lives. As for getting DH to change/ shower when coming in/before holding baby- really? Are people still doing this now, im not sure this is in any way required. I think we have to all now accept covid Luke we do every other virus that goes around. We cannot continue to live in anxiety soaked bubbles for ever.
I'd not ask him not to come, I meant I would abstain from going, or we would not 'play pass the baby'. It would definitely be unreasonable of me to ask him to keep away from his immediate family on Christmas.

DH changes as he is in contact and in many different households each day. But I take your point, most don't. I realise there are risks, and that we do take them each and every day - I agree, to an extent, we need to live with it, but with some element of cautiousness .

Thanks for your comment, it adds some balance to my thoughts.

OP posts:
exexpat · 25/12/2021 01:46

If you are just seeing him tomorrow, there will not be time for him to have picked up an infection tonight, incubated it and become infectious himself by tomorrow, so I'd relax a bit unless you think he has been out pubbing and clubbing every night for the past week or so?

Bim2021 · 25/12/2021 01:53

Unless baby is CEV I also think you are being unreasonable. Hormones can make you do funny things. I understand as my little one is 3 months old but he is my second, d seep like you say I think it’s PFB impacting your view.
My eldest is at school and no chance I could expect her to shower immediately after school etc.

Cattitudes · 25/12/2021 01:57

Am I right in thinking that after being in contact/contracting it can take 3 days for a positive LFT?

The incubation time is variable but he is very unlikely even with Omicron to already be infectious, it takes more than 24hrs to build up the viral load. A lateral flow is likely to indicate whether he is likely to currently be contagious. I would though be concerned about where else he might have been this week. Have a rule that everyone washes hands properly before holding her and not holding her close to their breath. At 6 months though she needs to start building immunity to infections, probably wouldn't start with covid given a choice to be fair. Those early infections will help to prime her immune system and may reduce risk of things such as allergy and diabetes.

Original poster
Eh1010 · 25/12/2021 02:06

Thank you. I needed to read all of these things. Sometimes you need the input of someone removed from the situation to help see things more clearly. It's definitely given me more to think and rationalise on.

Have a lovely Christmas to each of you and your families.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eh1010 · 25/12/2021 02:08

@Cattitudes

Am I right in thinking that after being in contact/contracting it can take 3 days for a positive LFT?

The incubation time is variable but he is very unlikely even with Omicron to already be infectious, it takes more than 24hrs to build up the viral load. A lateral flow is likely to indicate whether he is likely to currently be contagious. I would though be concerned about where else he might have been this week. Have a rule that everyone washes hands properly before holding her and not holding her close to their breath. At 6 months though she needs to start building immunity to infections, probably wouldn't start with covid given a choice to be fair. Those early infections will help to prime her immune system and may reduce risk of things such as allergy and diabetes.

Really helpful, thanks. Yes, and she has had a few colds etc so it's not like I've completely hidden her from the world, I guess it's the paranoia creeping in. Thanks for your comment.
OP posts:
milkysmum · 25/12/2021 02:29

Just to add, I'm a nurse and have two children at home, and was absolutely very anxious last year and deployed many safety type behaviours to try and manage this ( even washing down the shopping, changing as soon as coming in, making children change straight away from school etc..) but this was last year and I have now come to accept things are as they are. Myself and both dcs have all had covid ( all at different times, never contracted it from each other despite living together and as a single parent not being able to isolate separately in the house at all..)

VioletLemon · 25/12/2021 02:40

I feel your pain, I have health anxiety which is triggering other MH issues. I understand your anxiety around the baby. Tbh if you are really worried about it then say you have symptoms and are booking a PCR so can't go. Spend a nice day with the baby doing things you like. I'm sitting up waiting on my DS who is out in a very busy pub with tons of others. He was going to be here hours ago and now I'm apoplectic with anxiety.. He will leave tomorrow at lunch if he has an arrangement with his Dad, my other child has covid and is isolating with bf. I hate the anxiety of Christmas anyway but only the last 2 days realised the impact covid anxiety is having. It's not worth going to appease others, really isn't. Your own health with a young baby trumps it all. Just do what you really want to do.

Snowiscoldy · 25/12/2021 06:21

Good morning!

I think It’s very natural to feel protective towards your baby. That doesn’t have to be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ it’s just biology. What you are feeling right now. The intensity of those protective feelings don’t tell you anything about what you should do, or if you are over reacting, or if there is real danger, or even if your BIL has been selfish or not. It just tells you that human’s have evolved to look out for their little ones. That you care for your child.

And there will be 100s of thousands of people who are also caught in the same virus vs family politics conundrums, this morning, with no ‘right’ answers. You are certainly not alone in that!! And none of these people are being ‘reasonable’ or ‘unreasonable’ it’s just how the risk looks to them in that moment. And their desire for human connection and/or to protect people. I know my own feelings of risk change from situation to situation.

It might be that once you settle with the fact that you ‘just do’ feel uncomfortable about the situation, without judging that feeling, you might find you can hear what you really want -and that could be that you don’t actually want go, or that that coming in contact at some point over the next few weeks looks inevitable and that a Christmas together is one of those risks that feels worth it, with that feeling of uncomfortableness or not. Either way, the clarity of what you really want, beyond your moment’s feelings, will help you make decisions.

And You can only make decisions with the information you have at the time, not what ifs. Obviously if you knew he had covid you wouldn’t go. But that is not part of the information you have. And it might be that it is the sweet granny that is secretly harbouring the virus from an innocent chat with the milkman!! But again you don’t have that information. So you can only make decisions on info that you do have. And be happy with them, if it turns out to be the ‘wrong’ decision. It would have still been the ‘right’ decision at the time, based on the info you had at the time.

Enjoy this special day with child and husband whatever you choose. As I for one am completely in awe of those of you have navigated pregnancy and new babies in this time. You must have already found your way through so many stressful and unknown situations! You are a hero in my book!

bluetongue · 25/12/2021 07:13

I think nobody should judged for getting Covid. Now, with Omicron being so contagious you can catch it anywhere. Do you judge people for catching a cold? I don’t.

Siameasy · 25/12/2021 08:17

I understand when they’re that young you do worry (about everything!) but statistically your child is unlikely to become seriously ill. So you’re being unreasonable and very anxious-but don’t be too hard on yourself as I would’ve been the same with a DC that age!

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